Double D's

People are starting to piss me off. More specifically, these men in my life who think it is ok to just come and go, are really fucking starting to piss me off.

DO and DE are two men who I have a past with. I dated both men (at seperate times) and both did something shady to make me leave their lives. (DO developed a serious cocaine addiction and DE developed a "taste" for waaaay older women when we were dating...we were even on a date when I saw him kissing this old lady...) About 8 months ago DE contacted me out of the blue. Other than him sticking his tongue in some old ladies mouth in front of my face, he was a good guy. We talked for a while about what happened (2 years ago) and we both moved on from it and were able to start a friendship again. We met out a couple times and had fun.

DO is a little bit of a different story. DO's coke problem lasted a few years. I gave up on him when I was 20. He contacted me, all sorts of fucked up, a few times throughout the years but I wanted nothing to do with him. I ran into him a little over a year ago and as usual he was blasted out of his mind. About 3 months ago he contacted me to tell me how much he missed me and that he is clean now. I believed him. I even went to see him to prove it. Sure enough, he is super clean now and things were great.

The commonality both these men have is that they have contacted me after not being with me for a while to let me know they miss me. I think that is sweet. Both men have also, after seeing me and hanging out with me again, have wanted to try the "relationship" thing again with me. I told them both (DE 5 months ago and DO 2 months ago) that I would like to build trust back up and work on getting to know eachother again before committing to any sort of relationship. Both were totally cool with that and respected that.

Those 2 fuckers, I found out today through friends, have girlfriends.

I am so over these shallow assbags in my life. It is too easy for people to get back into my life and I need to stop forgiving people for treating me like dirt. Since I started typing this DO has called me and DE has imed me. I am so stupid. I am such a god damn fool. These are girlfriends they have had for a while and just never told me about. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I deserve these kinds of people for my "friends'?

So I am sitting here starting to feel sorry for myself. How sad am I? How sad as this week been?

No more D's!!!

Another day, another dollar...or not

So I get a call from my mom today with what I like to call her "mom voice". There is a tone of voice she takes on when something is wrong. In the past couple of years I have grown quite accustomed to this voice. Anyway, she immediately starts up with, "don't get upset". Once she says that the tears automatically come and I get all freaked out. (The last few times she has said this someone has passed away.) So I am all crying when she lets me know that all of the money out of my bank account is gone. What? The? Fuck? Ok I am not wealthy by any means, but money is money and I work hard for my money. Hello, you need money to survive!

So I make her call the bank on 3-way because I am waaaay too upset to talk. It turns out that the fucking liquor store I bought booze from last night forgot to put a fucking decimal point in the transaction and charged me a few thousands dollars. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY NOT CATCH THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN CLOSING OUT? So not only is my account empty now but, it is overdrawn as well and, this is my favorite part, it could take up to 10 business days to get that money put back into my account! I am so upset right now. I am so sick of being shit on these past few weeks.

Luckily for me, I have a seperate savings account with another bank and have money in there, but the point is, that if my mom hadnt been looking at her account and noticed the overdraw on mine, I would have never noticed and continued on my merry way using my debit card to buy stuff. I really hope this doesnt fuck up my credit.

AHHHHH! Whoa is me, for real.

My boyfriends back...and he wont leave me alone

Dear Diarhea,

I am trying soo hard to keep my cool and be nice, and sweet, and patient but Drew is pushing the limits. We broke up almost exactly 2 years ago and he had the nerve to call me today and ask me out on a date. I realize that he is not over me and for the past 2 years I have been very tolerant of him and his bullshit. As of late though, he is really starting to annoy the fucking hell out of me. He has called me three times today and all three times I have told him that I do not mind being friends and talking once in a great while but that we will never date again. He thinks that if he plays nice with me for a little while that I am going to just fall back in love with him.

The truth is; I question if I was ever really in love with him in the first place. He was a nice boyfriend for a little while, things got sucky, we broke up. We didnt really play the break-up/get back together games. I just kinda stood my ground and let it end. Of course I still care for him, but that is strictly in a friends only way. I have not touched him in forever, nor have I ever led him to believe that I was coming around and going to change my mind about being with him. He is really testing my patience.

This is the same guy who pranced around naked with his belly just hanging out and his wiener just flapping around in the wind.

This is the same guy who basked in the glory of his high school days because in his hometown of 600, as well as his mind, he was a living legend.

This is the same guy who literally had skid marks in his jeans and basketball shorts because as a full grown man, cant wipe his ass thoroughly.

This is the same guy who called me fat as well as annoying in front of my whole family at a wedding because I wasnt paying enough attention to him.

I cant get over these things and nor do I really want to. He is not the man for me. We started dating when I was 22...I have a whole different perspective on life now let alone completely different standards and taste in men. What I thought was so great then is not so great at 25 (almost 26).

I would rather be sad and lonely than be miserable and lonely. I would be miserable and lonely with him again and I am not willing to go there.

achy breaky heart

I have not felt well in days. Fucking allergies. My eyes are so swollen today that my co-worker actually asked me if I was high. Nope, I haven't gotten high in years, maybe that is my problem. So I haven't felt well and I am lonely which is creating a lethal combination in my world. I am officially the biggest bitch ever as of this weekend. I didn't do anything over-the-top bitchy, I just gave everyone unnecessary attitude.

I need to stop whining and crying about being lonely. I have no reason to be. I know I choose to be and that is my problem, no one else's. I am in love with being in love. I am finally admitting that I miss that and I am having, and have been having, a hard time coming to terms with that. For so long I have been good being single and just having fun. And now with all my friends having someone I feel like a schmuck. I spent the past 2 months being all into A and actually letting myself care for someone and get butterflies when I saw him calling that I let myself feel again which I totally shouldnt have, not now.

I cant concentrate on work. I cant even concentrate when I go out. I focus on couple-y things and couple-y people. I let my mind wander and go though the "what-ifs" and "should-haves". Im making myself completely miserable. I am self-inflicating pain regularly by constantly looking at A's myspace page. (Someone left some gross message about being 2for2 with the ladies this weekend.) I cry when I read shit like that. I cry because if I was there or he was here we would be together. I cry because I miss him and hate him at the same time.

I cry because Im hurting. Thats really why I cry.

OMG, I am turning into a bad country song. Pretty soon I will have no friends except a bottle of whiskey and a pack of smokes. I need to be saved; I need save myself soon.

booze hound = me

So drunk right now. Typed fisty610 like 18 times before I got it right to log in. Ridic. OTR (on the real).

Went out with bff M tonight. We are so lame. We played trivial pursuit, kinda, we made it a drinking version of just asking the whole card and however many you got wrong is how many drinks you had to take. Good times. Then we went to the local bar and played nudie photo hunt for a while, the broads version...g-d forbid he ever played the dudes version (although that totally grosses me out...those men are super foreign and super gross). We hold the 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9 spots...HOLLA!

So bored right now. I used to have booty calls. AP and I played dirty texts for a while last night but his bark is bigger than his bite and I fell asleep alone. Whats a girl gotta do to get some ass theswe days??? (I will not beg...too cute for that.) I asked him to come over but he was going to the Cubs game today and had to wake up early. WTF!?!?! I get that is was already 3am but that is pure bullshit. I told him he could no longer be my booty call because he sucked. He agreed that he sucked and still texted metonight. I did not return the love.

Blahblahbleh...another boring day. At least my fake tan is starting to look fly. Word.

Rad.

This took crazy long to type. Ill wake up in the morning and just laugh at my drunk ass.

In the words of Neil Diamond and his fans everywhere, Neil, "so good." Fans: "so good. so good. so good."

S-Zilla!

Just got off the phone with M, her and I will be on the prowl tonight for sure. We are both just having "one of those weeks" and are definitely in for a night of lots of booze, dancing, and boys. I dont even mind playing back-up to M, she is just a totally rad broad who knows how to have a good time, even if she has to create the good time herself. She is totally carefree, like me, when she is out, and her and I just have too much fun being ridiculous.

"Nights we dont remember with friends we never forget" is pretty much our mantra. We get drunk enough to do the sloppy girl walk and laugh about it down the street til we realize we havent even attempted to hail a cab. Once in the cab we slur about the night and who we will text to come over! I dont really text anyone to come over (usually), she does though, and she has plenty to choose from. I always have AP as my back-up, but I think we have built everything up too much to actually let it happen. We always, "just miss eachother" when we are out and cant seem to meet up. We have kinda hyped it up to the point that if either one of us doesnt cum at least 3 times that the whole operation would just be a failure.

I realize that I play second fiddle to M, but that doesnt mean Im a complete troll! Im just not as outgoing as her...or maybe Im too outgoing/willing to be outgoing...on second thought, I am definitely not as outgoing as her ;) . I guess its my time for a drought. I had like 8 guys to choose from over the past 2 months and have just kinda dwindled them all away. Im not looking for just random hook-ups anymore. They have proved themself to be to easy and effortless. Its the getting to know me that is tough. Ill figure it all out one day. But today is not the day to figure it out nor is the day to get all "relationship-minded" on my ass!

Its a beautiful day out and I have summer on the brain reminding me that for the next 4 or so months, its damn good to be a single chic out and about terrorizing Chicago.

do you ever feel like you want to see through another pair of eyes?

I need a break.

I haven't been myself lately at all. In fact, I have been the opposite of me. Yes, I am usually pretty cynical and sarcastic, but I am, for the most part, in a good mood and happy. Yesterday I found myself crying the whole train ride home for no real reason. I am tired all the time too which is not helping me be a happy person. I have had no desire to return any phone calls for the past 2 weeks and really have had no desire to do much more than sleep and eat.

If I could take a break from life, I would. But if I did that, I think that would mean I was dead.

Loneliness is really starting to get me down. I have fought it off for so long, I guess its about time it caught up with me. I hate that I have no one right now and it is starting to consume my every day. Its making me feel worthless. ewwww @ me for being pathetic and lame.

Eh, this too shall pass..right?

lovin would be easy if your colors were like my dreams...

My mom dressed me up as Boy George for Halloween one year. She put all sorts of weirdo eye shadow on me, dressed me in some sloppy suit attire with a tie, and bought a black, plastic, shiney hat and glued various colored yarn in the brim. Is this enough to blame my mom for all the wrong in my life? It's not I know. I just hate taking the blame all the time.

A and I are officially done. I'm really sad. But was really good about not texting, emailing or calling him during my Wed-Fri drinking binges. I miss him though. I really miss him when I am at work though for my afternoon...sessions. Eh. Its fine, gimme one more week and I will forget his gorgeous acne-stained face. (Really, why do I love that??? That is a whole other can of worms...)

I replaced my texting obsession with Jonathan. (Z bores me too much. He is all into law school and staying home frosting his tips.) Jonathan is a fucking meathead and I love it; he is so easy to mess with. He is so Johnny Clubguy circa 1999. This idiot calls me on Sunday morning at 9am (who the fuck calls a broad they just met a couple days before at 9am on a Sunday?!?!) rolling his balls off. I am 25 years old; 2000 called, they want their drug, hairstyle, mentality, and glow sticks back. Who knew people still actually felt the effectasy??!! Not this lady. Does that make me old? I think it makes me mature. ;)

How do I manage to have no decent prospects right now? Not to mention the fact that the guys I have been meeting lately just get suckier (frosted tips) and suckier (Club dork). Ill take the blame and hold on to the hope that summer will bring me a tan, a better attitude, and some decent guys.

I really wish I could blame the Boy George costume on this one.

I already ran through the alphabet.

Quitting A has not been easy. I have tried three time to quit him; all failures. I quit him again last night. Lets hope I dont fall off the wagon again. (As I pick up my phone to see if I have any text messages.) I think its so hard for me because there isnt really one isolated incident of him doing something "wrong" or "bad". He just isn't around and doesn't call or text as much I would like.

Of course quitting A is vital now because, ironically enough, I am trying to replace him with Z. Z is here, in this very same state, great looking, insanely sarcastic, intense voice, kinda the midwest version of A, without the acne scars :(. I do not think Z is going to be easily obtainable however. We shared our first lengthy phone conversation last night, and it is now official that I really shouldnt answer the phone when Im tipsy. I made such a fool outta myself. I blabbered and made no sense, which is not too different than my everyday speech, except that I also had this incredibly annoying wine slur. I emailed Z this morning to apologize for my stupidity last night and of course I have received no email back. Prior to last night the emails were replied to within 30 minutes...its been 4 hours. I know he doesn't have school or work today so I am feeling a little hurt.

I think I am just looking too hard and therefore trying to hard which is making me appear to be a desperate turd. Whether I really am or not is questionable (and I am not really looking for an answer to that either). Its just that I am really into this guy (I call him one guy because they are pretty similar). Its been so long since I have actually really been interested in someone that to find two and fuck up both is just beyond me. Lets hope Z's computer isnt working and that is the reason for the lack of response.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, make it stop.

Riding that train, high on...

I have made some observations lately of the El Train. Seeing as though I am still fairly new to the Chicago public transportation systems I am still in a little bit of shock and awe of certain behaviors that take place on the El.

I recently received my first face humping. I cannot begin to explain how delightful that truly was. I sat innocently in my seat that faces that aisle and a man of some foreign decent (I could tell by the ungodly amount of hair he had on his arms and knuckles) decided it was ok to hump the air in my breathing space as he stood in front of me on the crowded train reading his paper. The first couple pumps I thought were him just trying to get adjusted. But after about 30 seconds or so of doing this I realized this man was intentionally putting his penis as close to my face as humanly possible without actually touching my face. I didn't have many 0ptions in this situation. I could have given up my seat and stood for the next 40 minutes or I could just sit there and take the humps. I did what any exhausted woman would do; I took my licks. Luckily the woman next to me noticed this disturbing behavior (after about 4 minutes) and whispered to me that I could lean into her a bit which was actually helpful. Instead of thrusting his wiener into the center of my face his thrusts were thrown off and were really only in ear territory. I am not sure what this man got out of this, but all it did was make me sick.

I also frequently experience what I commonly refer to as "sweaty leg". At least once a week a person sits next to me and not only uses up all of their personal space but feels the need to invade mine as well. This leaves me with no room for my arms or legs. My arms can be taken care of. I just cross them over my body. But my legs, well, I cant sit with them crossed for 50 minutes comfortably. So, I just have to take it like a man and deal with getting "sweaty legged". This is when mine and another (usually an obese) person's leg touches for such a long period of time that the friction and body heat create outer thigh moisture causing my pants to stick to the outside of my thigh. It is completely and utterly gross. I hate getting "sweaty-legged". I can't help but think that some of the reason my leg is wet is due to their leg leaking sweat onto mine. I am sure this isn't true or correct but the thought is still there every time this happens.

Bag ladies (and the occasional man) are less than fun and actually manage to sometimes ruin my days. The reason for this is because they are taking up 3 pieces of prime realty usually. These hookers are not only sitting their happy ass on a seat but have their purse and a bag on the seat next to them as well as several bags at their feet. This in turn takes up 3 spots; one for their happy ass, one for the purse and bag, and finally one for the spot in front of them where someone could comfortably stand but instead have to come over by me and air hump my face....I digress. I hate these whores. First off, your bag is not more important than, oh I dont know, a fucking human being. Move your shit when you see me. My feet hurt and unlike you I am tired from a day full of working and myspacing...not shopping. I feel no pity for you and your purchases deserve to be trampled on.

The loud talkers also rank up there with people who can single-handedly ruin my day. It is silent. People are relaxing by listening to their music, reading, sleeping, or playing on their cell phone. No one is talking. Then you hear a phone ring. Instead of ignoring the call some fucking schmuck answers it. And, to make matters worse, not only do they answer it, but they also happen to the be the only person on the whole train who is deaf and therefore needs to speak as loudly as they possibly can. Seriously? Whothefuck do you think you are? People are trying to wind down and all your loud annoying talking is pissing off every single person around you. The sleepers are awake, those reading can no longer concentrate, and the person next to you is wincing due to pure embarrassment for your stupid ass. They are giving everyone the , "I just sat down next to this person, I don't actually know them look". There is an unwritten rule of silence on the El on the rush hour ride home from work and these people (usually women) piss everyone off.

Oh the El, how I love thee.

Wheaties.

My parents, like Dorothy Mantooth, were saints. Ok, not really, but they were good people. Me, being their oldest child and only girl was not only the apple of their eyes, but their rough draft as well. By the time my two younger brothers were born, they were seasoned professionals in the world of parenting.

Like every single child I too became curious about the opposite sex. I think this began around the time my little brother was born (I was not quite 3 years old) because that was the first time I think I had ever really seen a penis. I do not recall asking my mom or dad about this but I do recall the names they had given a penis and a vagina. These names have stories attached to them that will haunt me forever.

Meany.
Yep, that is what my parents had me refer to a penis as; a meany. I suppose that was a pretty fitting name. I mean my parents wanted me to stay away from bad and mean people and things. Cool, great name guys. The only issue I had with meany, other than being confused by it and pulling on my dad's once like it was a truck driver's horn, was that I thought the cereal Wheaties, was called meanies. I refused to eat Wheaties until I was 6 years old and could read that heinous orange box. Good thing my parents were dorks and collected Wheaties boxes. Those fucking things haunted me. Meanies, Meanies...MEANIES! If they wanted me to stay away from them, why did they keep boxes of them? Good thing I didnt have sleep overs yet, could you imagine if I had to sleep at someone's house and their parents gave me Wheaties for breakfast?? Oye vey, they would have thought I was a freak.

On to the lady part. Oh yes, that crazy thing called a pappy. Fuck yes I said pappy. I have no idea why they thought of this or where it came from. Totally odd. So I was pretty pumped to have a pappy. It was nice and sweet unlike the meany. Here is where the issue with pappy came in.

I remember being at my neighbor Kelly's house when I was about 5 for her birthday party. I was so cute with pigtails and Kelly was my best friend and let me sit next to her during cake. I loved cake, what child didnt? I was just chilling at the table eating cake when Kelly jumped out of her chair and ran over to this man to give him a huge hug and kiss. It was sweet. That was until I realized what she was screaming when she saw him. "Pappy! Pappy! Im so glad youre here Pappy." WHAT THE FUCK? Pappy?!?!?! Holy hell! To this day I dont think I ran as fast as I did that day. I was fucking confused. Why the hell was Kelly referring to that man as her tinkle hole? Boy did my parents have a lot of fucking explaining to do to me. In between their hilarious laughter and tears they managed to tell me that my thing was really a vagina and that Kelly's pappy was her grandpa. I still cringe a little when people refer to their grandfather as pappy. I guess its a good thing I didnt grow up in the south or I am afraid my parents would have scarred me for life with that one.

Lovely experiences.

Time can do so much.

While getting loaded on Friday night I looked around at my surroundings and found myself in a familiar environment totally lost. What the hell was I doing? I go to these bars by my mom's house and run into every person I have ever known and act like I give a shit. I don't. I stand and talk to meaningless people for what feels like hours at a time when I could be with my friends, getting drunker, or better yet, talking to good looking random guys who I could potentially hook up with. (Ok not in the burbs, cant bring boys home to mom's house anymore...its just too weird.) I waste my time trying to make up for being a raging bitch when I was 16. I act like these people still care. I am sure they dont, or at least hope they dont. Because I am no longer that same 16 year old bitch I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

Being by my mom's house just brings out the high school in me. I think being back there for a lot of people brings out the high school in them. We all act like we are still the same kids smoking weed in each others cars having intense stoner conversations about the future. We act like things havent changed and that time hasnt changed us. In some ways its comforting, in other ways, it's just creepy.

These people that used to know me still think they do and I them. I guess we will always know our most embarassing moments, secrets, who our virginities went to and the first time we got fucked up.

Crabby Pants. No real crabs involved.

So ever since "A" and I started talking I have started this horrible habit of getting off at work at the same time every single day. I schedule my meetings around this. I have voicemails and pictures to work with. So today was the first day in over a month that this mission was not accomplished.

Holy hell was I fucking crabby. I had no idea that I really gotten into this habit. But I did.

So what am I going to do? I decided 2 days ago to stop talking to "A", although he doesnt know that yet. I have practically memorized the few voice mails of his I have saved. I realize that I could just go out and get laid and solve the whole horny problem but that isnt going to stop my clockwork masturbation.

On another note. Have a date on Tuesday...little nervous about it. He is actually pretty cool. He is not "A" but he is here...oh wait...I forgot I quit "A". It's been a while since I have been on a "real" date. I hope he knows what he is getting in to!

I <3 NY

I'm in this alone.

"A" is so oblivious to the feelings that I have. Either that or he chooses to ignore them due to the distance. I am freaking myself out. I find myself worrying about this guy and the things he is doing constantly. I look at my phone 900 times during the day to make sure I didn't miss a text or the very rare "sober call". And to be real with myself, I never do because there is never anything there. It is always me reaching out. It is always me, "just saying hi, baby." It is always just me...alone in this.

I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes for a man who doesn't even ask how my day was. Who doesn't even acknowledge me after my mom has major surgery and only realizes that I have been absent for a few days because there are no new Hustler like pics of me in his text message in box. Who doesn't even care if I go see him or not (lives in a different state). And yet, here come the stupid tears streaming down my face no matter how mad I am that they are there, they won't stop. They are the worst kind too. The kind that stop you from seeing and just keep falling without your face having to move a muscle. (Just looked at my cell again for the 3rd time in the 4 minutes it has taken me to write this.)

I embrace him because I have decided that he is everything I want and desire in a man. He has that acne-thing that I love. (Yep, I have a thing for guys with acne/acne scars...don't ask because I have no logical explanation for this.) He is funny, dirty, sarcastic, not over-the-top smart, educated, same religious beliefs (a first for me), and is a phone call away when I need someone to drunk dial. He lacks in the kindness department but that doesn't even matter to me; he just takes away the feelings of loneliness.

But as I sit here typing this, I realize that is so not true. He is, in fact, creating a deeper feeling of hollow for me because my feelings are not being reciprocated. My thoughts, wants, needs, and desires for him are definitely not being reciprocated and yet I am still totally wrapped into him. (I even listened to one of his dirty voice mails prior to writing this to get off to his voice.) He controls my daily moods.

I want to pretend I am better than all this. But I am not. I am a girl who is looking to be loved back. Oh god, I admitted it. I typed that without even knowing that I was thinking it. I feel sick.

I'm so much more alone in this than I ever could have imagined.