Riding that train, high on...

I have made some observations lately of the El Train. Seeing as though I am still fairly new to the Chicago public transportation systems I am still in a little bit of shock and awe of certain behaviors that take place on the El.

I recently received my first face humping. I cannot begin to explain how delightful that truly was. I sat innocently in my seat that faces that aisle and a man of some foreign decent (I could tell by the ungodly amount of hair he had on his arms and knuckles) decided it was ok to hump the air in my breathing space as he stood in front of me on the crowded train reading his paper. The first couple pumps I thought were him just trying to get adjusted. But after about 30 seconds or so of doing this I realized this man was intentionally putting his penis as close to my face as humanly possible without actually touching my face. I didn't have many 0ptions in this situation. I could have given up my seat and stood for the next 40 minutes or I could just sit there and take the humps. I did what any exhausted woman would do; I took my licks. Luckily the woman next to me noticed this disturbing behavior (after about 4 minutes) and whispered to me that I could lean into her a bit which was actually helpful. Instead of thrusting his wiener into the center of my face his thrusts were thrown off and were really only in ear territory. I am not sure what this man got out of this, but all it did was make me sick.

I also frequently experience what I commonly refer to as "sweaty leg". At least once a week a person sits next to me and not only uses up all of their personal space but feels the need to invade mine as well. This leaves me with no room for my arms or legs. My arms can be taken care of. I just cross them over my body. But my legs, well, I cant sit with them crossed for 50 minutes comfortably. So, I just have to take it like a man and deal with getting "sweaty legged". This is when mine and another (usually an obese) person's leg touches for such a long period of time that the friction and body heat create outer thigh moisture causing my pants to stick to the outside of my thigh. It is completely and utterly gross. I hate getting "sweaty-legged". I can't help but think that some of the reason my leg is wet is due to their leg leaking sweat onto mine. I am sure this isn't true or correct but the thought is still there every time this happens.

Bag ladies (and the occasional man) are less than fun and actually manage to sometimes ruin my days. The reason for this is because they are taking up 3 pieces of prime realty usually. These hookers are not only sitting their happy ass on a seat but have their purse and a bag on the seat next to them as well as several bags at their feet. This in turn takes up 3 spots; one for their happy ass, one for the purse and bag, and finally one for the spot in front of them where someone could comfortably stand but instead have to come over by me and air hump my face....I digress. I hate these whores. First off, your bag is not more important than, oh I dont know, a fucking human being. Move your shit when you see me. My feet hurt and unlike you I am tired from a day full of working and myspacing...not shopping. I feel no pity for you and your purchases deserve to be trampled on.

The loud talkers also rank up there with people who can single-handedly ruin my day. It is silent. People are relaxing by listening to their music, reading, sleeping, or playing on their cell phone. No one is talking. Then you hear a phone ring. Instead of ignoring the call some fucking schmuck answers it. And, to make matters worse, not only do they answer it, but they also happen to the be the only person on the whole train who is deaf and therefore needs to speak as loudly as they possibly can. Seriously? Whothefuck do you think you are? People are trying to wind down and all your loud annoying talking is pissing off every single person around you. The sleepers are awake, those reading can no longer concentrate, and the person next to you is wincing due to pure embarrassment for your stupid ass. They are giving everyone the , "I just sat down next to this person, I don't actually know them look". There is an unwritten rule of silence on the El on the rush hour ride home from work and these people (usually women) piss everyone off.

Oh the El, how I love thee.