Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho.

Things have been really fucked up lately...hence the lack of blogging.

I havent had too much to say which that alone is completely bizarre being a Jew and a woman. I guess I have just had a lot on mind and actually tried to sort things out in my head instead of making a mockery of it through blogging. But hey...fuck that...it doesnt work...

some thoughts...

How come when my cousin was little and had a lazy eye she wore a patch and fixed it...and my 35 year old boss did not? Does she know what that does to me every single day?

Harry Potter and I share the same birthday. Neat.

Steve Guttenberg is completely under-rated as an actor/human being and should at least get to have his own tv show...I mean fuck...Freddie Prinze Jr. has one. Give the Gute a second chance America.

My great great Aunt Toby (shes been dead for like 20 years now) looked like Sophia from the golden girls. I just found a pic of her the other day and was pretty impressed...she coulda been a star.

Penelope Cruz has a weird looking face. I think she is a Cincinatti Bengal. Sorry.

Who thought it was a good idea to make Joan Cusak the US Cellular spokesperson...she is freakin weirdo. Her best role ever was that of Girl in neckbrace in Sixteen Candles. Her and that water fountain...such hilarity.

Why when I am eating fruit snacks do I always save the blue ones for last...they are definitely not the best flavor.

I have had the same eye make-up on for three days. Yep, Ive showerd, its fucking cool.

If everyone hates Star Jones so much...then why is she in every magazine...shes gross.

Its been a while since some sexin.

OMG...I made out last night...sweet. I love when you get those hazy memory jolts after a 10 hour drinking binge...the next day.

I need to tan...bad...real bad.

Whatever happened to that kid Jaime from Small Wonder??? Or his black friend? Or fucking Vikki??? Harriett anyone? Where are they now????? Please tell me.

I used to be in love with the Fonze when I was 4. Im pretty much Joan Cusak weird.

Word.

All by myself...

*note: Thanks Loz...for pointing out the countless times I spelled maturbate wrong due to it being spelled wrong in the search!

So my blog comes up when someone is searching for "best female ways to masterbate". I found this out after clicking on the site meter at the bottom of my page and checking my referrals. My concern is not that my blog comes up but that someone has to look up the "best female ways to masterbate". I sincerely hope it is teenage boy looking for the best way to finger-bang his 14 year old girlfriend. If it is a woman, well then we need to have some sort of chat.

Masturbation is only perfected when you know your own body. For example, I know that when I am buying a vibrator I only need to buy a small one (silver bullett is perfect for me) because I know how to just work my g-spot without having to "get all in-depth". For me, masturbation and sex and do not have a whole lot in common. Getting myself off is not nearly as full-filling (no pun intended) as having a good sex partner.

If you are shy or have roommates and are "worried" about someone walking in on you, the shower can quickly become your best friend. Using your finger or even the power from the faucet or showerhead can get you off. You should try all sorts of different textures and spots to really feel what is good for you. (Buy a massaging shower head!)

I tend to masturbate a lot so I find that various lotions and oils are awesome too. I like to get the oils/lotions that heat up a little bit so I can feel more of a sensation (and lets face it, cum quicker) than I would by just playing with myself. Sometimes Ill watch some skin-a-max porn and get off to that or just picture myself with whoever I choose!

Masturbation is not something that can be taught or read up on, it is something that has to be experienced and learned for ones self. (If you are a teenage boy...dont finger bang with no technique...talk to your buddies or a girl best friend...but jabbing it in and out is no good. And flicking her clit...waaaaay NO good.)

Back to work :(

And now a note from a special friend...

Happy Friday All!

And to my Jewish friend Shabbat Shalom.

The Venga Bus is coming....and Im on it.

The Ghost of Boyfriend Past.

An ex boyfriend from years past sent me a text message today letting me know he is getting hitched. I have been trying to process this information for the past 20 or so minutes and the feelings I am having are very strange.

I am incredibly happy for him. He has been with this girl for a few years now and she (from what he tells me) is amazing. Yet, I cannot help but remember all the drunk dials he made to me and the couple "secret" (absolutely no cheating involved) times we met up for a drink. Was this his way of trying to tell me he wanted to be with me? (Well yes because he said so...) Could I be Julie right now?

To be perfectly honest, I do not want to be with him. He is a wonderful guy but just not the guy for me. But could I be in Julie's place right now...a soon-to-be-bride? Do I really enjoy being single or am I too scared to move on with my life? This question is something that I have refused to think about for a couple of months because me going by "Asexual" has been drama-less and quite enjoyable.

Im feeling all confused right now and I feel as though I am being forced to finally confront this question. Yuck...this day is sucking and my head already hurts.

Booooo.

It's...

Mother Fucking On...Like Donkey Kong.

Stace and I go to the bar last night (my usual Thursday night fiasco/hangout) and everything appears to be in order. All the regulars are there, its crowded as hell, bad dance music is playing and I am buzzed. So for me this is a pretty basic Thursday night.

As the story goes for most people, the more I drink, the more I want to dance and I usually end up doing my best impersonation of a hoochie in a rap video/Celine Dion on crack moves. Yep, Im that impressive. Anyway...so Stace and I find ourselves admist the melting pot that is the dance floor and bust a move harder than Tone Loc, Hammer, and Humpty could have ever dreamed of. I am talking sweaty here folks, sexy sweaty. Ok fine not sexy sweaty...but feeling great. As we are dancing(and simultaneously swatting away the Mexican humping beans and the Rick James's) we come across 3 very nice looking boys.

So we start white kid bopping to the tunes and next thing you know I am Baby and having the time of my life with Patrick Swayze. Sweet moves are coming out of no-where and I feel myself actually smiling and semi-attracted to the guy whos semi I was grinding on. Good times.

WRONG! Out of the deep dark corners of the bar comes this...this...there are no words for her so I will just describe this being: a 5'3, pizza faced, back-ne'd, fucking mini-pigtailed only in the front of her head, Pepe Le Pew t-shirt wearing cooter. She apparently claimed stake on these boys (who were by no means interested in the likes of her) and every other boy in the bar and went CRAZY. This bitch literally fucking pulled my hair and called me a fat bitch. (Not fat!)

Nuh-uh Craig. I will fuck any bitch up who...wait...wait...wait...I am dancing with a cop (news to me) who apparently sees the rage glowing in my eyes and grabs me just as I go to lunge at the fucktard (a Pepe Le Pew shirt...fucktard is justified here). Well, me being the classy bitch that I am, I am not about to start a Jerry Springer on the dance floor at this bar so I let the cop take me outside to calm me down. I am too mad to go back into the bar so 5-0 has to go in to get Stace.

So Stace comes outside and who is following her? Yeah, you know it, Java the Hut. She is walking out, smiling like she got the best of me...fuck that. I was outside now. Copper sees the rage look again and stands in front of me so I cant get around him...so what did I do? Remember kids, I am a classy bitch.

I fucking loogied right in her mother fucking face. It was D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G...I was smoking all night long and have had some sinus issues the past few weeks. You should have seen the look on this skanks face. Priceless. If I ever see her again (which I will) I am going to do it again.

Moral of the story...pull my hair all you want, punch me in the face, kick me when Im down but when it comes right down to it, I have no shame and will shit on your head if I get the chance.

Word.

He Pitties Me...

Why does being a single female mean 1 of 2 two things; 1) you're slutty or 2) you are too ________ (insert some sort of negative female stereotype here)? Why can't being a single female mean you just aren't in the mood for a boyfriend?

I am not in the market for a boyfriend because I am too slutty or because I am too ugly, needy, desperate or lame; I am none of the above. I just do not feel like putting up with all the hassle that a relationship brings. I understand and value the good aspects to a healthy and good relationship however for those aspects to be real, there has to be some work involved and for fucks sake I just want to be selfish and lazy and worry about me and only me. So now this makes me suck at life?

The lack of relationship does not make me suck at life. But...damn it there is always a but...my lack of want for some ass does make me suck at life. I am asexual at the moment and I am not quite sure how I got to this point.

On an average day I think about sex at least 20 times. On a great day I masterbate a few times and fully enjoy the release that comes along with a self-induced finger (or vibrator) fuck. Lately though, I have not even wanted to do that. Has my pure laziness gotten the best of me? Or have I just become...boring?

In all honesty I know why I am this way right now (incredibly personal issues the past couple of months) and I just want to start living my life again. I just want to feel the release (in more ways than one). I have been so hesitant to move from my comfort zone as of late that I have cut myself off from a world of fun and some excitement. How does one let them self out? Any suggestions?

Alright...enough of the jibba jabba....