It's...

Mother Fucking On...Like Donkey Kong.

Stace and I go to the bar last night (my usual Thursday night fiasco/hangout) and everything appears to be in order. All the regulars are there, its crowded as hell, bad dance music is playing and I am buzzed. So for me this is a pretty basic Thursday night.

As the story goes for most people, the more I drink, the more I want to dance and I usually end up doing my best impersonation of a hoochie in a rap video/Celine Dion on crack moves. Yep, Im that impressive. Anyway...so Stace and I find ourselves admist the melting pot that is the dance floor and bust a move harder than Tone Loc, Hammer, and Humpty could have ever dreamed of. I am talking sweaty here folks, sexy sweaty. Ok fine not sexy sweaty...but feeling great. As we are dancing(and simultaneously swatting away the Mexican humping beans and the Rick James's) we come across 3 very nice looking boys.

So we start white kid bopping to the tunes and next thing you know I am Baby and having the time of my life with Patrick Swayze. Sweet moves are coming out of no-where and I feel myself actually smiling and semi-attracted to the guy whos semi I was grinding on. Good times.

WRONG! Out of the deep dark corners of the bar comes this...this...there are no words for her so I will just describe this being: a 5'3, pizza faced, back-ne'd, fucking mini-pigtailed only in the front of her head, Pepe Le Pew t-shirt wearing cooter. She apparently claimed stake on these boys (who were by no means interested in the likes of her) and every other boy in the bar and went CRAZY. This bitch literally fucking pulled my hair and called me a fat bitch. (Not fat!)

Nuh-uh Craig. I will fuck any bitch up who...wait...wait...wait...I am dancing with a cop (news to me) who apparently sees the rage glowing in my eyes and grabs me just as I go to lunge at the fucktard (a Pepe Le Pew shirt...fucktard is justified here). Well, me being the classy bitch that I am, I am not about to start a Jerry Springer on the dance floor at this bar so I let the cop take me outside to calm me down. I am too mad to go back into the bar so 5-0 has to go in to get Stace.

So Stace comes outside and who is following her? Yeah, you know it, Java the Hut. She is walking out, smiling like she got the best of me...fuck that. I was outside now. Copper sees the rage look again and stands in front of me so I cant get around him...so what did I do? Remember kids, I am a classy bitch.

I fucking loogied right in her mother fucking face. It was D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G...I was smoking all night long and have had some sinus issues the past few weeks. You should have seen the look on this skanks face. Priceless. If I ever see her again (which I will) I am going to do it again.

Moral of the story...pull my hair all you want, punch me in the face, kick me when Im down but when it comes right down to it, I have no shame and will shit on your head if I get the chance.

Word.