happy trails?

D. Wow.

D is greatest guy I have ever let get away. I think that I actually chased him away. He came into my life at a point that I was not willing to accept a man let alone myself. He came around a few months after Drew and I broke up and I was in a dark, skanky place. I didn't think I deserved someone as good as him nor could I believe that someone like him could like and care for someone like me.

I knew I was making a huge mistake, even while I was making it but...well there was just a but at that time. I have never been quite able to get him out of my mind. That partially stems from the fact that he contacts me every month or so just to say hi and check in and see how I am doing.

So last night we have a huge talk. It makes no sense that we had this talk now because we are both in relationships and seemingly happy. A lot was put out on the table. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, reasons...everything. He is such an incredible man and I sit here feeling guilty for not only letting him get away but for letting my feelings for him consume me today. He is leaving for the air force soon and wants to see me. That scares me. He scares me. My feelings for him scare me.

I told him I wasnt sure I could see him...

dazed and confused

Some might call me a fuck-up; others may call me brave. Whatever the case is or whatever people think holds no bearing on the decisions I have been making as of late.

Quit my job. I had finally fucking had it. Life is too short to be treated like garbage. I picked pride over money and shame. I am obviously not cut out for the corporate world of bullshit. Everyone is freaking out over my decision and is compelled to offer me their opinions and advice on what I should do and how I should do it. It's amazing how people care what you are doing when you arent doing it anymore.

So for the past week I have been on my couch watching Maury and searching for a low paying jobs that will make me happier. I will let you know when I figure that out. Happiness is such a nice word but such a confusing emotion.

With that being said, lets discuss Gary. Oye Vey. I throw men away and I try to not look back. I decided that with Gary things would be different. I would take all the little things that annoy me about him and work on them. This is killing me. I have never denied the fact that I am shallow; I definitely am to some degree, but the things that I am working to look past are overwhelming me. I am working on taking one thing at a time, but if progress isnt made soon I am afraid I will throw him away like the rest.

I actually give a shit about him too. I know I need to get over myself, but I need to be the one to wake up to that every day and be, here is that shitty word/emotion again, happy. On the phone, he makes me happy. In person I am dissecting every single part of him. I am going to stick with him though and try to fight through my own insecurities. I know that this is really all about me.

Life is a state of constant confusion. Thats a "duh" statement but sometimes duh statements need to be spelled out to be accepted and understood. Sometimes reading things make them more official, more truthful. That totally stems back to school. I suppose I would rather live in a state of confusion that utter boredom. And that is definitely a statement I needed to read back to myself to believe.