dazed and confused

Some might call me a fuck-up; others may call me brave. Whatever the case is or whatever people think holds no bearing on the decisions I have been making as of late.

Quit my job. I had finally fucking had it. Life is too short to be treated like garbage. I picked pride over money and shame. I am obviously not cut out for the corporate world of bullshit. Everyone is freaking out over my decision and is compelled to offer me their opinions and advice on what I should do and how I should do it. It's amazing how people care what you are doing when you arent doing it anymore.

So for the past week I have been on my couch watching Maury and searching for a low paying jobs that will make me happier. I will let you know when I figure that out. Happiness is such a nice word but such a confusing emotion.

With that being said, lets discuss Gary. Oye Vey. I throw men away and I try to not look back. I decided that with Gary things would be different. I would take all the little things that annoy me about him and work on them. This is killing me. I have never denied the fact that I am shallow; I definitely am to some degree, but the things that I am working to look past are overwhelming me. I am working on taking one thing at a time, but if progress isnt made soon I am afraid I will throw him away like the rest.

I actually give a shit about him too. I know I need to get over myself, but I need to be the one to wake up to that every day and be, here is that shitty word/emotion again, happy. On the phone, he makes me happy. In person I am dissecting every single part of him. I am going to stick with him though and try to fight through my own insecurities. I know that this is really all about me.

Life is a state of constant confusion. Thats a "duh" statement but sometimes duh statements need to be spelled out to be accepted and understood. Sometimes reading things make them more official, more truthful. That totally stems back to school. I suppose I would rather live in a state of confusion that utter boredom. And that is definitely a statement I needed to read back to myself to believe.