I have not felt well in days. Fucking allergies. My eyes are so swollen today that my co-worker actually asked me if I was high. Nope, I haven't gotten high in years, maybe that is my problem. So I haven't felt well and I am lonely which is creating a lethal combination in my world. I am officially the biggest bitch ever as of this weekend. I didn't do anything over-the-top bitchy, I just gave everyone unnecessary attitude.
I need to stop whining and crying about being lonely. I have no reason to be. I know I choose to be and that is my problem, no one else's. I am in love with being in love. I am finally admitting that I miss that and I am having, and have been having, a hard time coming to terms with that. For so long I have been good being single and just having fun. And now with all my friends having someone I feel like a schmuck. I spent the past 2 months being all into A and actually letting myself care for someone and get butterflies when I saw him calling that I let myself feel again which I totally shouldnt have, not now.
I cant concentrate on work. I cant even concentrate when I go out. I focus on couple-y things and couple-y people. I let my mind wander and go though the "what-ifs" and "should-haves". Im making myself completely miserable. I am self-inflicating pain regularly by constantly looking at A's myspace page. (Someone left some gross message about being 2for2 with the ladies this weekend.) I cry when I read shit like that. I cry because if I was there or he was here we would be together. I cry because I miss him and hate him at the same time.
I cry because Im hurting. Thats really why I cry.
OMG, I am turning into a bad country song. Pretty soon I will have no friends except a bottle of whiskey and a pack of smokes. I need to be saved; I need save myself soon.
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