I <3 NY

I'm in this alone.

"A" is so oblivious to the feelings that I have. Either that or he chooses to ignore them due to the distance. I am freaking myself out. I find myself worrying about this guy and the things he is doing constantly. I look at my phone 900 times during the day to make sure I didn't miss a text or the very rare "sober call". And to be real with myself, I never do because there is never anything there. It is always me reaching out. It is always me, "just saying hi, baby." It is always just me...alone in this.

I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes for a man who doesn't even ask how my day was. Who doesn't even acknowledge me after my mom has major surgery and only realizes that I have been absent for a few days because there are no new Hustler like pics of me in his text message in box. Who doesn't even care if I go see him or not (lives in a different state). And yet, here come the stupid tears streaming down my face no matter how mad I am that they are there, they won't stop. They are the worst kind too. The kind that stop you from seeing and just keep falling without your face having to move a muscle. (Just looked at my cell again for the 3rd time in the 4 minutes it has taken me to write this.)

I embrace him because I have decided that he is everything I want and desire in a man. He has that acne-thing that I love. (Yep, I have a thing for guys with acne/acne scars...don't ask because I have no logical explanation for this.) He is funny, dirty, sarcastic, not over-the-top smart, educated, same religious beliefs (a first for me), and is a phone call away when I need someone to drunk dial. He lacks in the kindness department but that doesn't even matter to me; he just takes away the feelings of loneliness.

But as I sit here typing this, I realize that is so not true. He is, in fact, creating a deeper feeling of hollow for me because my feelings are not being reciprocated. My thoughts, wants, needs, and desires for him are definitely not being reciprocated and yet I am still totally wrapped into him. (I even listened to one of his dirty voice mails prior to writing this to get off to his voice.) He controls my daily moods.

I want to pretend I am better than all this. But I am not. I am a girl who is looking to be loved back. Oh god, I admitted it. I typed that without even knowing that I was thinking it. I feel sick.

I'm so much more alone in this than I ever could have imagined.