Thank you.

It is almost two months since HE has passed. I cannot believe how fast life is just passing me by (and I am allowing it to which just makes it worse). I could have never imagined the impact that man had on me, but not one single day has gone by since he died that I have not thought about him.

I went to the football game on Sunday and gave a silent prayer for him. Part of me felt like I was honoring his memory by going to the last place he went before his death. Part of me just felt guilty that I was able to be there. I talked to him and my dad there. (My dad was a die-hard Bears fan and this was my first game!) I even talked outloud a couple of times to them both because well...because I wanted to. I wanted them to know I was there and that I was thinking about them and wishing they could be there with me. (Right now I just realized that I saw a lot of my dad in JP and that is why I found such comfort in him.)

I know I didnt talk to HIM that often anymore but I have so many fucking wonderful memories of him that unlike the memories of my dad, I do not want to forget. I was lucky enough to see HIM the weekend before he died and I keep his mass card in my car hoping he will protect me, that and I like to smile at him. I know he is laughing at all of us down here, but Im hoping that he met my dad and that I now have two people up there looking out for me.

The reason I am bringing all this up is because my mom called me at work today to let me know that a little boy I once knew shot himself in the head today. He wasn't a little boy anymore, he was actually 24, but I only remember him as a little boy. I think the last time I saw Joey I was in seventh grade. He is the third guy from my junior high to pass away since May. What is going on here? These are young men who haven't even lived a quarter of their would be 100 years. I cant help but feel sick to my stomach because I know that every year for the rest of my life someone I have known will go; someone the same age as me.

I sat all morning long thinking about myself and throwing myself a pity party when a family who I grew up with was dealing with the loss of their son and brother. You would have thought that the tragic and miserable death of HIM would have taught me something, and it did for about a month or so. I live everyday in the hopes that the next day will be better when I should be living each day as though it could be my last.

Time spent worrying, crying, being mad, being sad is strictly wasted time. I want to live like HIM, a man who loved life, who never stopped smiling or laughing. I dont want to live a life of misery and self-deprivation...for no reason pretty much.

The past is the past and I cant change that. What has happened to me has sucked there is no denying that, but I cannot continue on like this or I will look back and have some serious regret, or worse yet, end up like Joey who couldn't find any of the good in life so instead decided to end it.

Thank you for the reality check gentlemen.

I love you Daddy!
I miss you Friend!
My prayers go out to Joey's family and friends.