Blame.

My brother called us last night to let us know that one of Joey's brothers called him. (We didnt even know he still talked to the family.) Apparentely Joey had been really depressed lately...although they were still shocked, as well they should be. (How does one get to that decision?)

It is one thing to lose a person you love due to an accident or natural causes, but I feel like it woud be a totally different, more difficult, situation to lose a person you loved...who took their own life. I am not sure I would be able to deal. You know that someone is always going to take the blame for the cause of death whether they have anything to do with it or not.

When my dad died I believed it was my fault. I don't believe that anymore, but it wasnt until about 2 years ago that I stopped walking around with that guilt on my back. I was 10 years-old, I couldn't have saved him even I wanted to. I have re-played that day in my head over and over and over again and even if I was 30 years old, I couldnt have saved him. I used to think that if I loved him more that he would have lived longer or not wanted to leave. But...that was confused little girl thinking. The guilt was unbearable for a long time.

Guilt is a slow-leaving process. You have to really believe in yourself for it go away. There was nothing I could have done to save my dad, he died of a heart attack plain and simple. I wasn't causing him grief or making his life difficult, I made him happy and I think I helped prolong his life by making him so happy. I was a daddy's girl!!! I thought 38 years old was young to die, but lately 38 seems old.

Brother, if you talk to Mike again, find out when the wake is, I would like to go.