So Ive been down for a few days now trying to do the "whole sorting stuff out in my head" act and let me tell you that sorting is crap. Every time I make a nice neat pile of stuff, another zillion thoughts come racing into my head causing pure chaos and making me feel even worse than I did before.
So I decided to follow in the footsteps of my blogging buddy...eazy...and do a FUCK YOU post of my own.
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1) FU - Drew for being the man I always wanted you and needed you to be...AFTER we broke up.
2) FU - S for being a liar about some situations in your life that have caused me to question you as a friend and as a person in general. I pretend to your face that Im on "your side" when in reality I know you have lied about worse...so whatthefuck? FU FU FU.. for not allowing me to trust you.
3) FU - Chocolate for being so damn delicious.
4) FU - Holidays for just sucking the life out of me and forcing me to care about people that right now I want to despise.
5) FU - Milk. I just hate milk.
6) FU - **** BFF for making me think you were not only my friend, but someone I could trust. FU too for doing what you did with me RIGHT THERE. FU FU FU FU. FU for making me like/not like/like/not like you...what should I do now because obviously that pattern doesnt seem to be working???
7) FU - McDonalds for serving up such a delicious breakfast.
8) FU - Govn't for not allowing McDonalds to serve breakfast all day long for fear of McDonalds taking over the world with their deliciousness (yeah I know your conspiracy).
9) FU- Chicago Bears for sucking so bad on Sunday and bringing sadness to those of us who love you. :(
10) FU - Clock for only being 4:00.
11) FU - Myspace for taking up infinite amounts of my time and forcing me to become a myspace head.
12) FU - Snow and salt for fucking up the bottom of all my work pants.
14) FU - 13 for being an unlucky number.
15) FU - Booze...no wait...I Love you.
16) FU - Bozo for freaking me out in the mornings when I was a little kid.
17) FU - Arizona for being hot all year long.
18) FU - Tail light for being broken after I knocked you into a garbage can, costing me $200
19) FU - To people who laugh at people less fortuante and treating them as if you are better than them. I really despise you.
20) FU - to me for being stupid and silly and writing pure crap.
21) FU- D. You made me want to be with you and now you are taking it away. FU for being smart.
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13 comments:
I want to stay on "like".
What would you do if you were in my position right now?
I'm not sure.
Based on things that he told or wrote to you, I guess I would try to understand where he was coming from. You both sound like people who protect themselves from getting hurt at all costs, yet, you always end up in positions where you are getting hurt.
You both won't even be intimate with anyone that you couldn't toss away in a moment's notice. But you also both know that you enjoy each other's company. Both of you have made mistakes in life, even with each other but you're still good people b/c deep down, even good people make mistakes once in awhile. And you both also know that amongst the bullshit that goes along with any relationship, there seems to be a common understanding that most people don't share with one another.
Also, there's a certain sense of vulnerability that you both fight against with one another, you just each do it in your own way, both of which are not very acceptable ways of dealing with these issues.
He knows he wouldn't lie to you and hates to hurt you. But he would rather kill a piece of himself now than deal with what he had already gone through, even if it portrayed him in a light that was considered less desirable. B/c ultimately, as strong as he is on some levels, he's very fragile on others and knows that your a person that can do a great deal of damage without even trying.
If those things that he's shared make sense to you and you thought his friendship was worth it, I would try to work through it. If not, I would cut him off. But whatever you decide, he knows that he would only want what's best for you.
I have definitely tried to understand where is coming from, but I think that is where I am struggling because I do not really know where that is. He tries his best to explain his feelings but usually sort of plays around them without revealing too much. I know however, that because of situations in the past with him, he feels the need to protect his truth from those he does not trust and I do my best to respect that, although at times I know I challenge it.
I dont know if there is an actual decision to be made here. It seems as though regardless of all the bullshit that we share, fate seems to bring the two of us together in various odd and awkward ways. My biggest problem with him going forward is learning how to be myself around him again without wanting to fucking smack the shit outta him and cause some serious damage to him knowingly. I know he is hurt for hurting me, but Im still trying to sort through the details of what and how exactly things went down.
Im not going to cut him out of my life, Im just going to be...careful...especially since we just re-acquainted with each other.
seems like you are in the same position as me.
past sneaking up on you again, and you're at the crossroad of whether to delve in or just walk away alltogether...and neither option, though extreme, seems to strike that delicate balance you crave and want out of whatever is happening.
sucks.
not for nothing, but you two (ed and yw) actually talk to each other in real life and not just on here?
my advice is ... fuck it. i don't know.
If you feels he plays dances around his feelings with you, it's only b/c he's probably never understood what he means to you. He can't tell if he's just a novelty like so many of the other people in your life or if you actually do recognize him as someone who is a friend. Many of these feelings most likely stem from what happened over the summer. And I think "careful" is a great way to put it b/c that's exactly what he's been trying to do. But then you mix in being reacquainted in a very untraditional way, a lot of crazy stories with sides of that person you didn't know could exist, feelings that hadn't been fully reconciled, throw in a late night with some drunk people, more alcohol and you know what, something crazy is going to happen. And it sucks b/c although most can handle each of these in separate events, to deal with all of these circumstances at once is sometimes too much for at least one of the people to handle.
If you wanted to smack the shit out of him, I guess that would be no different than the first time you went out. If you wanted to cause some serious damage to him knowlingly, he would probably say you did enough to him unknowlingly. However, if you did it knowlingly, he would understand, but he hopes that you wouldn't b/c no matter how much you think you don't understand about him is much more than anyone else understands about him.
Well lozo...eazy and I are old friends. I accidentally (and I swear it was an accident) came across his blog one day...after reading a bit, I immediately knew it was him. It came as quite a surprise to both us...especially when I read what he wrote about me ;)
Buttah - you put it so perfectly in perspective...perfectly.
Anyway...
E, lets stop talking in this "he" crap and face it.
I get it, I was a bitch to you when we first met. I guess I fucked with your head and emotions (though un-intended) and things between us just kinda closed. Then months later I found your blog and we have been talking ever since. I like you E. I think you are a great guy and you make me laugh hysterically. Im really sick of typing about what happened or what didnt happen or whatever. Like I have said so many times, you and S have different versions of the "truth". We need to talk about things...when you get the chance, give me a call. Im going out with my girls tonight but I should be around until about 9.
I have my holiday party this evening after work but I should be home in time to call you. If you don't hear from me, call me when you get home or we'll talk tomorrow.
so all this time you've been talking about each other? get it over with and do it already. god.
Its not just about eachother...and lozo...the only person I wanna do...is you. <3 <3 <3
well that just made my christmas. and don't blatantly hit on me like that, otherwise i made need to borrow eazy's gay pickup line whistle.
HOLLA!
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