speed bumps

One week into (semi) sobriety.

I allowed myself to drink 3 glasses of wine of Friday over the course of several hours. I was not even buzzed but I still managed to have a good time. It was weird waking up on a Saturday morning without the slightest hint of a hangover. I feel good and relieved that the first week is out of the way.

I do not feel better yet but I feel as though I am on the right path right now.

M is wonderful. We have so much in common. It seems like I am meeting new men weekly and letting myself go but M and I spend hours upon hours on end talking, discussing, debating, and listening. Its so strange. Its like within the past 2 weeks or so he has become my "go to" person and I his. We both agree things are moving quickly but that for now the speed is good. We both also agree to let the other know if the speed becomes too much.

Today is good. Today is better than the past few weeks and I am feeling...kinda happy.

RIP

I killed myself on Sunday. I committed suicide. Im glad I did.

Im glad I hit rockfuckingbottom.

I have never felt so ashamed to be me. I made my mom cry and I have no idea what I did or said for several hours. My drinking finally took over and won.

I have spent the past several weeks so drunk that I black out, sleep in my own vomit, and dont remember my actions.

I feel relieved.

I start therapy next week. I need to know why I am the way I am. I need to know why I use drinking to disguise myself. I need to know why I feel the need to drink 5 nights a week to get blasted.

Monday was the first day of the rest of my life.

my heart

Today my daddy woulda been 53 years old. WOW.
That sounds so old compared to the 38 year old man that passed away 15 years ago (next Wednesday).
I miss him. Still not a day has gone by that I do not think of him.
I know he's watching me and taking care of me.

Love you Dad.

nothing

I have never wanted to just quit life as bad as I do today.

Ok that is a lie, but today ranks up there.

I am fucking lonely and miserable.
My job sucks.
My friends blow.
My apt is too hot.
And life if just passing me by.

And I have no one to talk to. I went from having all sorts of friends I could trust and talk to, to like no one. I mean I am still friends with all those people, I am just more jaded now I suppose. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about anything and its making me want to explode.

Im losing it and have nothing or no one to hold on to.

Im actually a little scared right now.

stupid is what stupid does

So I "met" this guy, C. I am not sure what to think of this whole mess. And yes, its already kinda a mess. I met him through the wonderful world of the internet. Its a long story and his "post" wasnt exactly intended for me but we have continued talking none the less. Couple things that are weird about this though, other than the obvious "net" connection.

1) I asked him to call me. Bold move Im sure, but if we are going to possibly meet someday I want to at least know what he sounds like. So instead of calling me...he freakin texts me. I find that unacceptable. I called him out on it and still, no phone call. (Is he married/serious relationship?)

2) Things are always "coming up". Random clients from out of town, extra work, etc. Not sure Im buying this whole thing.

3) "You can call me, but Im really tired" - what he texted to me one night. Only to be followed up shortly with, "Im talking to my son." (It was midnight making it 10pm on the west coast, a little late to be talking to a three year old.)

4) A son?!?! Forgot to mention that.

I like talking to him. He is taking up the spare time that A used to fill. I just think he could be shady, thats all. Not sure what to do in this situation. Dont need to deal with another situation like A. Id like to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like a little naive pushover doing that. Espeically with all the guy drama as of late. At the same time though, I like that I am trusting (to an extent) because it helps me not feel jaded about the world. Hmmm...decisions, decisions.

dont stop til you get enough

Quite possibly one of the greatest random text's I have ever had the distinct pleasure of receiving in my life:

"I want to rip all of your clothes off" - from an insanely drunk friend.

I dont think I have laughed so hard...well...ever from a text message. He could barely see speaka da english when I saw him. To be perfectly honest Im surprised he even remembered seeing me.

Thank you kb, thank you.

Loves it.

Its a long life

I am starting what I feel could quite possibly be a small mental breakdown.

I cant concentrate on anything. Every little thing sets me off. And I am constantly fighting back tears and anger. I get all red and flushed in my face incredibly easily and feel hot all of the time. No, it is not menopause and I am not sick. I am losing my mind.

So much is going on right now and I cant seem to keep it all together, not only that, but I am creating idiotic drama within my head. My brain hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts.

At least Im not hearing voices. Yet.