Im not sorry

Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately which can be pretty dangerous for a girl like me. In case no one has ever noticed, I tend to analyze, re-analyze, and then over-analyze most situations in my life. After some much needed thought though I have something serious that I really need to get off of my chest.

I am not sorry, nor will I ever be sorry, for not crying when I heard that my grandfather passed away. I am not sorry that I felt no emotion for a man who all but abandoned my family when his oldest son, my dad, passed away (my dad was 38).

I realize the harshness of what I am typing.

I realize that to most people, probably all people, this is awful.
Not to me. This is truth.

The reality of the situation is that when my dad passed away, his parents, decided to let my family...my mom and two little brothers (ages 8 and 5 at the time) go on food stamps instead of help us. (Their millions of dollars were tied up in their matching caddy's and winter home in Florida. No exaggeration there.)

This man decided that he could not pay for my 8 year old brother's baseball mit because he " had to pay for (my) father's funeral".

This alleged man decided to let me in on some deep family secrets (secrets that belonged to my mom's side of the family) at the age of 11 that I was not supposed to know yet. (Out of pure spite for my mom's parents.) These secrets were nothing dirty or dark. They could have, however, been taken waaay out of context at the age of 11 and ruined some serious relationships between me and some very important people in my life.

I realize my grandpa was hurting because he lost his son. I realize the tragedy of that situation. I also realize that he probably had a hard time looking at me and my brothers after my dad died.

But most importantly I remember the 3 little kids who were sick for a year over the loss of their dad and who never were quite the same people again. I remember 3 little kids who latched on to every man in their family because they wanted to have a man in their life. I remember 3 little kids completely rejected.

I know three young adults who have these wonderful experiences in their life only to have them made bittersweet by the loss of the most important man in their lives. Dances, Sports, Graduations, Birthdays, Holidays....

So when my grandma showed a DVD of my grandpa on Sunday Im not sorry that I wasnt sobbing. Im not sorry that I didnt shed a single tear. Im not sorry that my brother's and my mom didnt either. Im not sorry that we were the only people in the room not touched by the DVD. (I wonder if anyone even noticed that out of the cummulation of several events on the video...I wasn't present at a single one and that my mom and brothers were only present at...1? Not an accident.)

I am sorry though for my dad's mother and father for losing out on three wonderful grandchildren. For losing out on the love and affection that grandchildren have for their grandparents.