Pass on this one...no good. I said no good.

The lack of "cool" bars in my town and surrounding area has finally caught up with me. For the 2 years I have been back from college I have coasted through these bars with my pompous "I was cooler than you in high school" aire and have always missed by a day or even an hour those run-ins that would definitely bring me back down to earth and bitch slap me into reality. This is not to say that I am bitchy or snobby or anything close to that, I am just aware that people know me and judge the hell outta me and are dissapointed when they see that I am not fat nor ugly and pretty successful. These people want to hate me and yet they cant seem to get enough of me. Ok fine, they cant seem to talk enough about me.

With all that said, this all came to a crashing halt the other night and I was dealt a pretty big blow.

Im out with a friend and we decide to go to one of the two "cool" Thursday night bars, we are aware that we are going to run into "everyone" so of course, we look better than we would lets say on...a Wednesday or even a Friday sometimes. We have a couple drinks before we leave and head over to the bar. We got to the bar just after the crowd and basically walked into our highschools 1998 - 2001's class reunions. It was insane. We give our hugs and have our "so what are you up to now?" and "its so great to see you" and the always popular "you look so great" conversations. Just as I am settling into my fourth drink "Weasel" (yes he really goes by that) informs me that "your boyfriend is coming here".

"Who is my boyfriend?" At this point Im a little buzzed so my heart starts beating really fast because "my boyfriend" can mean 1 of 3 things: my ex boyfriend is coming to the bar, a guy I used to crush on was coming to the bar or a guy I cant stand is coming to the bar. Im hoping its option 2 (I was looking pretty damn good that night.) Long story short...an ex of mine. No big deal. Him and I are still really good friends and see eachother pretty often.

So Dan (an ex) gets to the bar and takes a seat next to me. Nothing at all out of the ordinary. A bunch of us start taking shots and things are going great. My girl friend and I get tanked (with the rest of our "friends") and life as I knew it in that moment was perfect.

My friend and I decide to go dance (we are wasted) and go to the dance floor. Basically her and I are sloppy drunk whitegirl-grinding/convulsing/dancing and ignoring any creature that attempts to dance on us. (Unless the creature was someone we knew.) Well, Dan (who is a total punk guy) is just drunk enough that to him too dancing appears as if it is a good idea. So Dan and I are dancing and all of the sudden I am pulled back by this...force I suppose....

I turn around to see who is pulling me back and TA-DAAAAAAAAAAA its Drew, my most recent ex. Now Dan has never seen nor spoken with Drew nor even seen a picture of him. Drew however has seen pics of Dan. (Dan I were still "dating" when Drew and I met. Dating in this case means still sleeping together even though we mutually decided we much better off as friends...apparently that was with benefits at the time.) Drew hates Dan. This hate stems from the fact that I was sleeping with them both for about 3 months until I finally decided to be with Drew. (For those of you reading thinking, "you slut" they both fully knew about eachother and neither had any issues with it, or so I thought. I came to learn differently through my relationship with Drew.) It was all a convenience thing...I was still in college and Drew was there during the week...and when Id come home every weekend to work there was Dan.

So here we are...Drew...Dan...and Me. All 3 standing on the dance floor of this awful bar in front of half of my former high school drunkly gazing at each other in bewilderment. WHATTHEFUCK? So I casually introduce the boys thinking 'ok this no big deal I'm no longer with either one no one gives a shit'. Drew was not happy this was Dan, he was not happy at all. So Drew starts begging Dan to go the parking lot to "fight". Meanwhile I decided that everything can be solved with some drinks so I try to coax the boys into letting me buy us a round of drinks. Poor Dan is trying to figure out who the hell this guy is. While all of this is going on Weasel lets everyone know that Dan and Drew are about to get into a fight and 1998-2001 are on the dance floor waiting to see what happens. Some were waiting for a fight, others were waiting for me to fall flat on my face.

Girls are talking shit about these two guys "actually fighting over (insert my name here)", guys are making bets about who will win the fight and I am on the verge of tears out of pure shock and embarassment. This was no one's fault but my own.

I created the Drew Monster. I forced him into letting me back into his head thinking that there could some day be a chance. (Revenge is only good if it does not blow up in ones face...see my E*V*I*L post.)

I instinctly wrap my arms around Drew's neck and try to lure him in the sexiest way I know how to leave the bar with me. This isnt exactly what I wanted but I didnt want there to be a fight and I sure as hell didnt want to suffer anymore embarassment. (So selfish of me, fuck the fact that two people I cared about were going to maul each other...)Well I guess when Im drunk my sexy makes me look like a retard and Drew calls me out, "You stupid bitch, go eat a cheeseburger (what? Im seriously not fat) and fuck off." WHOA?!?! Seriously? Ummmm...no, you DO NOT talk to me like that, I dont care how jealous or fucking pissed off you are. Well ladies and gentlemen, there it was, my kick to the groin and my push off my horse.

I took one look at Dan and lets just say Dan was not happy with this comment; at all. In fact, Dan was enraged. Like I said, Dan and I are still pretty close, kind of like best friends now, and he was not about to let Drew to talk to me like that. Gloves off. The fight was on.

Half the bar clears outside to watch this. I of course run after the two of them screaming like a little bitch to stop but they are immune to the sound of my voice. Drew is spitting and Dan is whipping his neck around and cracking his knuckles. People are chanting and gathering in a circle. Words start flying back and forth, "you fucking pussy". "Fight you little bitch." "Go fuck yourself." You get the point. Just then 4 squad cars pull up.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
That was the crowds reaction, not mine.

I was so relieved it was sick. Since no punches or anything else had been thrown the cops let the boys go. Drew was asked to leave and Dan went back inside. I too left the bar.

I was knocked down, but just for that night. I was right back on riding it even harder on Sat night, yes Im that big of a loser that I still feel like I have something to prove, that I am worth the time people have spent knowing me, talking about, analyzing me, loving me and hating me. No, I do not still live in the past of high school. No, I do not base my life around other people's opinions. I do however, like to pretend like I have pride (something I have secretly never had in my life). This way these people, those people, or anyone else (who doesnt read my blog) can respect me and not walk all over me like the old days. Being people's doormat was something I gave up about a year ago and have not looked back...well not really I guess.

Both boys have since called and apologized to me. And like 7 people from the bar that night have asked me to be their "myspace friend" so all was not lost...most importantly though, my fake pride is still in tact as well as my fake "dont fuck with me attitude". Because lets be honest, if you really wanted to, Id most likely let you.

Wow...what a terrible story. What a terrible moral (wait was there really one behind all this garbage? Maybe, "Revenge will bite you in the ass".) And what a terrible thing to let people know about my protection; fake pride and fake snobbery.

You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say....

I just wanted to thank loz, db, vyv, trix and the always rad eazy for being my friends...carry on now...I have nothing to write about today...Im having the kind of day/week/lifetime that only a fuckstick deserves.

E*V*I*L

Im evil and I love it.

For those of who who read Whatthefuck(http://www.meluvulongtime.blogspot.com/) you know my reasons for not being able to stand my ex. There are a lot of more sensible and mature reasons for my severe disdain for him but I choose to not share those. Not because they are so personal just because they are cause for a lot of thought and I dont really care to waste my time. Any way, Ex got a new girlfriend and since finding out this delightful piece of information I have personally taken it upon myself to ruin their relationship.

It is not as bad as it sounds. Basically, I have implanted a tiny seed in his tiny brain that there may be a possibility at some point in our lifespan that him and I could potentially get back together. Why did I do this if I cant stand him? I have no legit reason other than he made me miserable and now its payback time. Im shallow, immature, lame...blah fucking blah blah blah. I already know it.

This girl is perfect for him too, well so he thought. She is cute and completely relies on a man (Ex) to take care of her, make her decisions for her, and derive her overall happiness from him. All the qualites my ex wants in a woman and the exact opposite of me. But, since I planted this seed of pure evil and lies he has been questioning his relationship with J and calling me non-stop. The "I still love you" messages are nauseating and the "Hey Baby youre the one for me" texts actually make me throw up a little. But for the sake of his eventual unhappiness I will play along.

For my own personal justification...
1) They have only been together for about 2 months so its not like Im breaking up a wedding here.
2) She is a little too needy for him.
3) THEY WORK TOGETHER...so the break up was coming.
4) THEY WORK TOGETHER...he is a supervisor and could lose his job over this girl.
5) He is not that bright and shouldnt waste a good opportunity like the one in front of him on this broad. (He wont get another one)
6) Her mouth and chin are weird and you can just tell that she is going to grow up to look like Blue (RIP) from Old School. (Serious about that...you know what I am talking about.) Therefore I am ultimately saving him from a life with an ugly wife and kids.
7) She brings her cat to his place when she stays the night...he hates cats...who doesnt? And she doesnt clean up the cat hair so she is a gross.
8) He is still in love with me and realizes that he does not want a girl like her.

Hmmmm...writing this all out has made me feel really guilty. I hate when this happens, fucking morals. Im going to put a stop to this immediately, I should not be playing with this guys mind like this, its just cruel and no better than what he did to me.

Damn blog. Thanks for ruining my fun.

My Sunday Afternoon...

was spent with Da Bears at Soldier Field. Unfortunately my team lost, but I still sat 5 rows off the field and had an amazing day. Who knows when I will be able to see them again in a playoff game (next year I hope) with these kind of seats especially. Just thought I'd share some pics. Im still so pumped I got to go!!! Da Bears in '06!
Awesome view. We were right next to the tunnel where the players run out.
We just kinda threw our cameras in the tunnel hoping for a good shot!
#65 looks like a badass...

And we definitely scored 2 pretty decent pics like that! Our seats were absolutely incredible.
We actually had to back up to get the whole field in our shot!
Pre-Game!

Yeah we got some hi-fives...they are free ya know!
Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears!
Carolina got lucky.

Better luck next year!

Im not sorry

Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately which can be pretty dangerous for a girl like me. In case no one has ever noticed, I tend to analyze, re-analyze, and then over-analyze most situations in my life. After some much needed thought though I have something serious that I really need to get off of my chest.

I am not sorry, nor will I ever be sorry, for not crying when I heard that my grandfather passed away. I am not sorry that I felt no emotion for a man who all but abandoned my family when his oldest son, my dad, passed away (my dad was 38).

I realize the harshness of what I am typing.

I realize that to most people, probably all people, this is awful.
Not to me. This is truth.

The reality of the situation is that when my dad passed away, his parents, decided to let my family...my mom and two little brothers (ages 8 and 5 at the time) go on food stamps instead of help us. (Their millions of dollars were tied up in their matching caddy's and winter home in Florida. No exaggeration there.)

This man decided that he could not pay for my 8 year old brother's baseball mit because he " had to pay for (my) father's funeral".

This alleged man decided to let me in on some deep family secrets (secrets that belonged to my mom's side of the family) at the age of 11 that I was not supposed to know yet. (Out of pure spite for my mom's parents.) These secrets were nothing dirty or dark. They could have, however, been taken waaay out of context at the age of 11 and ruined some serious relationships between me and some very important people in my life.

I realize my grandpa was hurting because he lost his son. I realize the tragedy of that situation. I also realize that he probably had a hard time looking at me and my brothers after my dad died.

But most importantly I remember the 3 little kids who were sick for a year over the loss of their dad and who never were quite the same people again. I remember 3 little kids who latched on to every man in their family because they wanted to have a man in their life. I remember 3 little kids completely rejected.

I know three young adults who have these wonderful experiences in their life only to have them made bittersweet by the loss of the most important man in their lives. Dances, Sports, Graduations, Birthdays, Holidays....

So when my grandma showed a DVD of my grandpa on Sunday Im not sorry that I wasnt sobbing. Im not sorry that I didnt shed a single tear. Im not sorry that my brother's and my mom didnt either. Im not sorry that we were the only people in the room not touched by the DVD. (I wonder if anyone even noticed that out of the cummulation of several events on the video...I wasn't present at a single one and that my mom and brothers were only present at...1? Not an accident.)

I am sorry though for my dad's mother and father for losing out on three wonderful grandchildren. For losing out on the love and affection that grandchildren have for their grandparents.

Here I go again on my own...

I have been sick lately. This Chicago Flu sucks. (I blame the city of Chicago for enticing me out on New Years Eve with a sheer top on and no jacket for the cause of my grief.) My morning phlegm ritual has been nothing but pleasant as has the daily spit-ups of blood. Those, fortunately, are starting to subside. So all in all I have been feeling like pure ca-ca and not had one extra ounce of energy to put into keeping things "fresh" with my blog. (Or my hygiene for that matter. Oh fuck you...when you're sick you'd rather lay in your bed than try to stand in a shower that cant seem to keep you warm enough.)

I need a new job. I have been looking for jobs but no one seems to want to even talk to me, let alone hire me. Im sure that means that I should change my resume but I do not know what is wrong with it so I am not quite sure how to change it. Actually, that was me trying to bullshit myself...I know exactly what it was wrong with it, but the laziness factor rules my life. I wish someone somewhere would just give me a chance based on my crappy resume. I have some awesome experience, although, it is only about 1.5 years worth of "big girl" work. People keep telling me I should try to tough it out for another year or so, but Ill be damned if I have to sit at this desk for another whole year. Id rather work retail (no offense to those of you that do that) than stay here.

I want to leave the wonderful and exciting world of HR and go back into event planning. Those two worlds though dont have a lot in common to the naked eye and therefore managers reviewing my resume may not see that I have in fact, been polishing up on my even planning skills while being here.

Plus Im super talented, creative, and cute...meaning I kick ass in the event planning world. I have planned bridal showers, baby showers, weddings, bar-freakin-mitzvahs...for total strangers who have paid me! I should probably include more of that on my resume, yet at the same time, my HR credentials are awesome too. (I started an HR dept with 5 temps and in 1 year have 80 employees. So basically, if you will, I have started this whole thing from scratch.)

Just because I rock doesnt mean Im made of stone. <---its the meds I swear.

**Sidenote: The previous paragraph was only intended to make myself feel better about my lack of experience, motivation, and heart at this point. Although all is true.**

There is a quick fix to all of this...
Ill just get my ass on a reality tv show and then the world will be at my fingertips and everyone will want me to work for them. Watch out Biggest Loser...here I come!!!!!!

Happy New Year...my ass.

I know I bitch and whine...a lot...but lately, things have sucked. So basically I am going to let you know why My New Years Eve sucked the fattest dong ever...

* The guy that invited me out spent the first 20 minutes of the night hitting on some 40 year old woman (heinous looking by the way...not a milf) before even walking over to saw hi to me. When he finally did walk over the first thing he said was, "You look stupid" because I was smoking. Happy New Year to you too Geek. Sooo pissed I wasted looking super hot on hanging out with him.

* For the remainder of the time I was at that bar I spent my time avoiding him letting foreign men entertain me and dance on me so I wouldnt have to talk to my guy. Normally this would never happen, but I wasnt about to spend my night sad or pissed.

* Yep, I went out with Twiddle-Dumb-Fucking-Selfish-Whore, my cousin. DING DING DING, I know my own fucking fault. Anyway, the bitch drinks a ton within the first 2 hours of the night...convinces me to leave the bar we are at with promises of hot guys at this next bar (her ex and his friends). OH. MY. GOD. Fucking liar. Skanky takes me to a bar where her ex is to fuck him. I dont mind that...the part I mind is...he is there ALONE. So I have to stand there by myself for about 40 minutes while they are making out and stare out the window at all the people who are having a good New Years Eve. Did I mention he was wearing a neck brace???? Oh yeah...shitstorm had a broken neck. Oh yeah...shitstorm also looks like Howard the Duck.

*So then I take a $30 cab ride to the parking garage where my car is parked, by myself. Cry in my car for 20 minutes alone and drive to my friends where I just crash on his couch.

* During all of this I decide to call my ex (stupid move)...he has a new girlfriend...so Im drunk and lonely and crying on my friends couch.

* At some point the guy I had met out at the first bar called to see where I was. I told him I was at my friends and he asked if I was "still coming over?". I told him I was on my way. He called about 30 times to see where I was for like 2 hours.

Happy New Year.

I am starting My New Year tomorrow....and things are going to be great. 2006 is going to be awesome...I just needed an extra day to grieve and be bitter for 2005.