Thanksgiving Eve was a night I cannot wait to forget about.
1) My skank-ho cousins, twiddle dumb and twiddle mc ugly, from the town that held, "the turkey testicle festival" (that should sum their mannerisms and personalities up) decided to tag along with me and throw themselves at every single one of my guy friends from 8pm - 3 am. If this wasn't embarassing enough ("I want you to fuck my brains out tonight" was a popular statement made by each to at least three seperate friends that I know about) they each landed a friend and proceeded to do everything, but actually bang, in the middle of the bar where I knew about 82.5% of the people.
2) Then the fuglies had the nerve to ditch me, there goes my ride, to take these two, probably now former, friends of mine, back to "turkey testicle festival" town and have their way with them. Did I mention my cousins (who are sisters) also like to make-out with eachother for attention? Not hot, please re-visit "turkey testicle festival"...
3) Joey, aka fuckstick, was out on the prowl as he is every Holiday Eve. This guy is gorgeous. When he walks into a room girls literally stop what they are doing to stare at him. (Im not even exaggerating.) And then out comes, "Yo baby, I know you're diggin' on me" as he proceeds to make his way around the bar, making out with, and ultimately getting rejected by, various girls. (BTW that is the smartest sentence that ever comes out of his mouth...he is the dumbest guy, think Jessica Simpson, EVER!) By the time he makes his way back to his friends he is always covered in eye make-up, various shades of lipstick, gloss and concealer, and the always sexy...glitter. Unfortunately, I am one of those girls who Joey really likes to make-out with and when Im around I get all his undivided, stalker-esque, follows me to the washroom and waits, attention. (Some girls would love this, but I have known joey for 10 years and he hasn't gotten any smarter, funnier or...well...anything.) He is harmless because I know his ultimate secret (yep at 28 he still pisses the bed) and he knows that when he starts to cross a line that I will yell it out for all to hear. (Instead of calling me a bitch and denying this rumor, he runs out of the bar making this rumor a fact...dumb ass). So, I kissed him at the bar, no big deal (we have done this on several occasions) and he proceeds to pull me through the insane crowd, away from my friends and his, and take me to a set of back stairs, force me down the stairs and yank my pants down.
4) Slapped the shit outta Joey, grabbed my pants with one hand to hold them up and keep them shut and ran through the crowd, knocking drinks and people down, until I got to the girls bathroom and was able to put my pants back on and try to clean up my tear-stained face. (That would have only worked had I stopped crying)
5) I couldn't find my friends in my hysteria. (the bar had close 1000 people)
6) My brothers friends saw me crying and wanted to fight "whatever douche bag did that to you (me)" and proceeded to follow me around the bar asking me which guy it was over and over and over again. (causing me to cry more)
7) I couldn't find any of my friends, but Joey was able to keep finding me.
8) I left the bar alone and stood out in the freezing cold, jacketless, for about 25- 30 minutes. I finally got ahold of one of my friends in the bar who was too drunk to do anything other than fall all over me and play with my hair telling me he "loves me".
9) I cabbed it home alone, freezing and sobbing, broke as hell, with glitter from Joey all over me while my phone was ringing off the hook with booty-calls from various losers who I was just not in the mood to even think about, or talk to, let alone touch.
10) When I finally made it home, my brother's friend was passed out in my bed, with my favorite hoodie on forcing me to crawl into bed with some 18 year old kid who woke up spooning me. B O O H O O.
Black Wednesday kicked my ass.
Im staying home next year.
9 comments:
I'll believe that after Thxgiving of next year.
And maybe this is just me but last time I heard you utter those words, I believe it was in reference to your bday from 2 years ago and looked what happened this bday. From what I remember you saying, it was quite the celebration... and I'm not referring to the Barney cake.
Next year I am staying home, (or going to a friends house) playing old skool nintendo, eating tots and melon balls, and drinking amaretto stone sours all...night...long. You mark these words my dear...you mark em.
And the Birthday was quite the celebration...thank you for reminding me of an awesome time in my life!!!!
No problem, my dear. Anything to take your mind off of greasy suburbanite meatheads trying to diddle your doodle.
I marked your words when you told me over and over again that I would never come out and visit you. And I did. So I'm done marking those words of yours.
That's pretty funny about the old school NES comment... I was actually online today trying to figure how much it would cost me to buy every single game for that thing. Why? I have no fucking idea but there's 758 of them. And you thought I was a loser just some of the time.
Youre right, Im full of shit, but Im cool with that.
If you get that one Nintendo game...I think it was called Anticipation...Im inviting myself over to play that obsessively for hours on end. Ill bring cheetos if you want.
And I didnt think you were a loser just some of the time... ;)
As soon as I wrote that last line of that comment, I knew I was leaving myself open. I can't believe Anee caught it.
Well, well, well, Anticipation huh? Ask and you shall receive. I do have that game already and it is pretty damn sweet. Don't worry though, I wouldn't expect you to come over, I know that was one of those full of shit moments.
Well, I am leaving work today, I can only take so much of this shit today. Besides, I'm really down after the conversation I just had with one of my buddy's from highschool who I never talk to. He's married and his wife is the reason that we don't talk that much anymore, although I don't he realizes it. But I really think that a couple years ago, his wife cut off his sac and wears his bronzed pair around her neck b/c he's turned into the biggest vagina since they got married. I don't even recognize him anymore. Depressing.
YOU ALREADY HAVE ANTICIPATION??? And I didnt know this HUGE fact about you??? This changes our friendship completely and sheds a whole new light on things.
WOW...hmmmm...E to the V...how you doin?
Anyhow...sorry to hear about your friend. It sucks that his wife did that to your friendship/him, however, she cant take all the blame because, lets face it, he let her change him into a vagina. So she may be THE bitch, but he is a bitch now too.
I wish I had a bronzed sac necklace...that would be awesome and be a great conversation starter. "So where can I get me a set?"
I want to leave work so bad. I think I have to leave early because...I have a family...yuck...portrait to take tonight.
Let me know when I can come over to play.
Anticipation that is.
Sidenote: *I debated whether or not to leave that one open...*
Oh, believe me, it went without saying that I knew you were talking about Anticipation.
A lil harsh today.
Ill prove you wrong.
You're going to prove me wrong? Well, I won't say I don't believe you but lets just say I'll believe it when I see it.
Post a Comment