So I'm going on a date tonight...
with a girl?!?!?!?!
This acquaintance of mine asks me out for a couple of drinks tonight. Im feeling kinda weird today so a couple of drinks sounds like a really good idea and I accept her invitation. She gets really excited and says, "Really?" Im thinking awwww...this girl thinks I'm too cool to hang out with her, how sweet. So Im all, "Really."
"Tonight is going to be great, I cannot wait to tell my friends that I am finally going out with you. I have been telling them for months about my secret crush on you and..."
Everything after that statement sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown...wa wa waaaaaa waa waaaaaa wawa. Backthefuckup...secret crush? Oh shit, what did I get myself into? To answer my own question, my first girl date apparently.
Did I mention I like wiener?
Oye Vey.
14 comments:
EazyDoesIt said...
You are fucking hilarious. In my head, I could completely hear you saying "Did I mention I like weiner?". Too funny.
I can't believe how easy it is to get you out now. Ah, looking back and remembering how impossible you were with me. I borrowed a car, drove to the burbs, pretty much had to drag you out, then you hit me a bunch of times just to amuse yourself, made fun of me the entire night... I used everything I had just to get you out that once... and you know, for all the trouble and how some might see what I described as not a very fun time, it was worth every second.
Seeing as though I dont want to give up the "mysterious girl" on your blog (your fans may be dissapointed in you if they track it back to me and read my first blog...). I will reply back to you here...now what? No really...now what?
Im glad you dragged me out, and Im sorry I beat the shit outta you. :)
Fans? I wouldn't say that. And besides, it doesn't matter if anyone is disappointed unless it's me who gets disappointed.
So what do you mean by "now what", pumpkin pie? (Didn't you miss my pet names?) ;)
Who doesn't love pet names??? Insert "Little Lovable Lezzie"
Now what translation: Can I annoy you with emails, texts, blog comments and various other forms of harassment?
Fans = Ladies who fantasize about the man who makes their panties wet when reading a blog about box munching.
Oh, schmoopy poops, you can annoy me with anything you want, although, I would be curious to hear what you have in mind for other forms of harassment.
Have I induced any vomiting with my pet names yet?
Funny how you mentioned the box munching, I started writing about that for my next post. I really enjoy going love cave spelunking with my toungue, but I don't know what it is lately, I just want to bury my face deep in some wet kitty for about two days. God, I feel so bad for the next girl b/c she's going to be all dried up by the time I'm done with her.
One word....
HOTT (yeah two t's for that one...HOO RAH!)
Oh and stop thinking about me naked its making you shake.
Fuck, you're right, I do have the shakes today. Actually, ever since Sunday it's been real bad.
I've been trying to line up a Friday Night Fuckfest all week. I think there may be a few biting on my line so we'll see what happens. Wow, do I feel sorry for the one that makes it over... there's a good chance she may never walk the same again.
You shouldn't feel bad for her...she should owe your ass! She should consider herself one lukcy bitch if you really do all you say you can ;)
If you dont want to shake anymore...read my other blog listed on my profile (whatthefuck) it will make you want to throw up real bad.
I knew you had the shakes. You have been talking about eating pussy all week long. At least you got some ladies lined up for your Fuckfest. And hey if she doesnt walk the same again, at least she will walk with a smile.
BTW...love cave spelunking??? Who thinks of that?
OH E to the V...how I have missed thee.
Your one and only....
Ms. Anee (I wonder if this poem will get me poet of the year???)
And you thought I was evil? WTF was hilarious but my jaw was on the ground and I think I threw up in my sleep last night dreaming about it.
Most surprising moment for me: You running from your grandma at the grocery store. Holy shit, I was laughing but I was in disbelief with what you were saying.
Moment that wanted me to spew from every orifice of my body in disgust: Bad vagina smell in the bathrooms. It still makes me gag to even think about it.
So your poem is good and I would give you a lot more credit if it was someone else but I know that you're capable of a lot more from the one piece I read.
I think my girls are going to fall through tonight. It's ok (well not all that ok b/c I'm hungry) but I have to make some apps for this party tomorrow and still make it for a quick drink at my friend's lil sis' bday. And I have to wake up early for paintball. It would still be nice to lick some lilly before bed tonight. Maybe I can grab something at this party tomorrow, we'll see.
So is 'blow my whistle' what the cool kids say for 'call me' these days?
You know my issues with my grandma...I have discussed them with you before. She is a cooter. (yep, I called my grandma a cooter...I bet Im the first person ever in the history of the world to say that phrase. I even said it outloud.)
Just because I rock doesn't mean Im made of stone. BAM!
My poems kick ass. In a totally weird way. Im the only person in the history of the world who understands them (duh, Im the author) and I love that I have a little secret with them. (OMG Im hammered right now.)
Holy "lick some lilly" Robin! Awesome.
"Blow my whistle bitch" is just my cute (?) little way of saying...HI! You and I can't do things the conventional way, we are way too good for that. I cant just text you with a HI, Howya doin? LAME.
BTW, last night for about 4 minutes I was Britney Spears...but pre-white trash, Kevin Federpoon, Baby Mama Britney. I really believed I was her. I had sweet dance moves...I think. OH DAMN. They were probably only sweet in my head.
I think my last comment should have just been a blog.
True, why would we ever think of doing things the conventional way? And thank you for not texting with "HEY, WAZ UP? :)" b/c I would have first thought to myself "what the fuck is wrong with her". So thank you for being cognizant of the non-conventional ways of which we base the boundaries of our relationship.
As for your dancing, wish I could have seen it. I bet you were all serious out there like you were starring in "save the last dance" or "fame" or "(insert favorite dance story here, I'll put West Side Story)" -- yeah, the Jets and the Sharks rolled deep in those tight khakis.
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