booze hound = me

So drunk right now. Typed fisty610 like 18 times before I got it right to log in. Ridic. OTR (on the real).

Went out with bff M tonight. We are so lame. We played trivial pursuit, kinda, we made it a drinking version of just asking the whole card and however many you got wrong is how many drinks you had to take. Good times. Then we went to the local bar and played nudie photo hunt for a while, the broads version...g-d forbid he ever played the dudes version (although that totally grosses me out...those men are super foreign and super gross). We hold the 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9 spots...HOLLA!

So bored right now. I used to have booty calls. AP and I played dirty texts for a while last night but his bark is bigger than his bite and I fell asleep alone. Whats a girl gotta do to get some ass theswe days??? (I will not beg...too cute for that.) I asked him to come over but he was going to the Cubs game today and had to wake up early. WTF!?!?! I get that is was already 3am but that is pure bullshit. I told him he could no longer be my booty call because he sucked. He agreed that he sucked and still texted metonight. I did not return the love.

Blahblahbleh...another boring day. At least my fake tan is starting to look fly. Word.

Rad.

This took crazy long to type. Ill wake up in the morning and just laugh at my drunk ass.

In the words of Neil Diamond and his fans everywhere, Neil, "so good." Fans: "so good. so good. so good."

S-Zilla!

Just got off the phone with M, her and I will be on the prowl tonight for sure. We are both just having "one of those weeks" and are definitely in for a night of lots of booze, dancing, and boys. I dont even mind playing back-up to M, she is just a totally rad broad who knows how to have a good time, even if she has to create the good time herself. She is totally carefree, like me, when she is out, and her and I just have too much fun being ridiculous.

"Nights we dont remember with friends we never forget" is pretty much our mantra. We get drunk enough to do the sloppy girl walk and laugh about it down the street til we realize we havent even attempted to hail a cab. Once in the cab we slur about the night and who we will text to come over! I dont really text anyone to come over (usually), she does though, and she has plenty to choose from. I always have AP as my back-up, but I think we have built everything up too much to actually let it happen. We always, "just miss eachother" when we are out and cant seem to meet up. We have kinda hyped it up to the point that if either one of us doesnt cum at least 3 times that the whole operation would just be a failure.

I realize that I play second fiddle to M, but that doesnt mean Im a complete troll! Im just not as outgoing as her...or maybe Im too outgoing/willing to be outgoing...on second thought, I am definitely not as outgoing as her ;) . I guess its my time for a drought. I had like 8 guys to choose from over the past 2 months and have just kinda dwindled them all away. Im not looking for just random hook-ups anymore. They have proved themself to be to easy and effortless. Its the getting to know me that is tough. Ill figure it all out one day. But today is not the day to figure it out nor is the day to get all "relationship-minded" on my ass!

Its a beautiful day out and I have summer on the brain reminding me that for the next 4 or so months, its damn good to be a single chic out and about terrorizing Chicago.

do you ever feel like you want to see through another pair of eyes?

I need a break.

I haven't been myself lately at all. In fact, I have been the opposite of me. Yes, I am usually pretty cynical and sarcastic, but I am, for the most part, in a good mood and happy. Yesterday I found myself crying the whole train ride home for no real reason. I am tired all the time too which is not helping me be a happy person. I have had no desire to return any phone calls for the past 2 weeks and really have had no desire to do much more than sleep and eat.

If I could take a break from life, I would. But if I did that, I think that would mean I was dead.

Loneliness is really starting to get me down. I have fought it off for so long, I guess its about time it caught up with me. I hate that I have no one right now and it is starting to consume my every day. Its making me feel worthless. ewwww @ me for being pathetic and lame.

Eh, this too shall pass..right?

lovin would be easy if your colors were like my dreams...

My mom dressed me up as Boy George for Halloween one year. She put all sorts of weirdo eye shadow on me, dressed me in some sloppy suit attire with a tie, and bought a black, plastic, shiney hat and glued various colored yarn in the brim. Is this enough to blame my mom for all the wrong in my life? It's not I know. I just hate taking the blame all the time.

A and I are officially done. I'm really sad. But was really good about not texting, emailing or calling him during my Wed-Fri drinking binges. I miss him though. I really miss him when I am at work though for my afternoon...sessions. Eh. Its fine, gimme one more week and I will forget his gorgeous acne-stained face. (Really, why do I love that??? That is a whole other can of worms...)

I replaced my texting obsession with Jonathan. (Z bores me too much. He is all into law school and staying home frosting his tips.) Jonathan is a fucking meathead and I love it; he is so easy to mess with. He is so Johnny Clubguy circa 1999. This idiot calls me on Sunday morning at 9am (who the fuck calls a broad they just met a couple days before at 9am on a Sunday?!?!) rolling his balls off. I am 25 years old; 2000 called, they want their drug, hairstyle, mentality, and glow sticks back. Who knew people still actually felt the effectasy??!! Not this lady. Does that make me old? I think it makes me mature. ;)

How do I manage to have no decent prospects right now? Not to mention the fact that the guys I have been meeting lately just get suckier (frosted tips) and suckier (Club dork). Ill take the blame and hold on to the hope that summer will bring me a tan, a better attitude, and some decent guys.

I really wish I could blame the Boy George costume on this one.

I already ran through the alphabet.

Quitting A has not been easy. I have tried three time to quit him; all failures. I quit him again last night. Lets hope I dont fall off the wagon again. (As I pick up my phone to see if I have any text messages.) I think its so hard for me because there isnt really one isolated incident of him doing something "wrong" or "bad". He just isn't around and doesn't call or text as much I would like.

Of course quitting A is vital now because, ironically enough, I am trying to replace him with Z. Z is here, in this very same state, great looking, insanely sarcastic, intense voice, kinda the midwest version of A, without the acne scars :(. I do not think Z is going to be easily obtainable however. We shared our first lengthy phone conversation last night, and it is now official that I really shouldnt answer the phone when Im tipsy. I made such a fool outta myself. I blabbered and made no sense, which is not too different than my everyday speech, except that I also had this incredibly annoying wine slur. I emailed Z this morning to apologize for my stupidity last night and of course I have received no email back. Prior to last night the emails were replied to within 30 minutes...its been 4 hours. I know he doesn't have school or work today so I am feeling a little hurt.

I think I am just looking too hard and therefore trying to hard which is making me appear to be a desperate turd. Whether I really am or not is questionable (and I am not really looking for an answer to that either). Its just that I am really into this guy (I call him one guy because they are pretty similar). Its been so long since I have actually really been interested in someone that to find two and fuck up both is just beyond me. Lets hope Z's computer isnt working and that is the reason for the lack of response.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, make it stop.

Riding that train, high on...

I have made some observations lately of the El Train. Seeing as though I am still fairly new to the Chicago public transportation systems I am still in a little bit of shock and awe of certain behaviors that take place on the El.

I recently received my first face humping. I cannot begin to explain how delightful that truly was. I sat innocently in my seat that faces that aisle and a man of some foreign decent (I could tell by the ungodly amount of hair he had on his arms and knuckles) decided it was ok to hump the air in my breathing space as he stood in front of me on the crowded train reading his paper. The first couple pumps I thought were him just trying to get adjusted. But after about 30 seconds or so of doing this I realized this man was intentionally putting his penis as close to my face as humanly possible without actually touching my face. I didn't have many 0ptions in this situation. I could have given up my seat and stood for the next 40 minutes or I could just sit there and take the humps. I did what any exhausted woman would do; I took my licks. Luckily the woman next to me noticed this disturbing behavior (after about 4 minutes) and whispered to me that I could lean into her a bit which was actually helpful. Instead of thrusting his wiener into the center of my face his thrusts were thrown off and were really only in ear territory. I am not sure what this man got out of this, but all it did was make me sick.

I also frequently experience what I commonly refer to as "sweaty leg". At least once a week a person sits next to me and not only uses up all of their personal space but feels the need to invade mine as well. This leaves me with no room for my arms or legs. My arms can be taken care of. I just cross them over my body. But my legs, well, I cant sit with them crossed for 50 minutes comfortably. So, I just have to take it like a man and deal with getting "sweaty legged". This is when mine and another (usually an obese) person's leg touches for such a long period of time that the friction and body heat create outer thigh moisture causing my pants to stick to the outside of my thigh. It is completely and utterly gross. I hate getting "sweaty-legged". I can't help but think that some of the reason my leg is wet is due to their leg leaking sweat onto mine. I am sure this isn't true or correct but the thought is still there every time this happens.

Bag ladies (and the occasional man) are less than fun and actually manage to sometimes ruin my days. The reason for this is because they are taking up 3 pieces of prime realty usually. These hookers are not only sitting their happy ass on a seat but have their purse and a bag on the seat next to them as well as several bags at their feet. This in turn takes up 3 spots; one for their happy ass, one for the purse and bag, and finally one for the spot in front of them where someone could comfortably stand but instead have to come over by me and air hump my face....I digress. I hate these whores. First off, your bag is not more important than, oh I dont know, a fucking human being. Move your shit when you see me. My feet hurt and unlike you I am tired from a day full of working and myspacing...not shopping. I feel no pity for you and your purchases deserve to be trampled on.

The loud talkers also rank up there with people who can single-handedly ruin my day. It is silent. People are relaxing by listening to their music, reading, sleeping, or playing on their cell phone. No one is talking. Then you hear a phone ring. Instead of ignoring the call some fucking schmuck answers it. And, to make matters worse, not only do they answer it, but they also happen to the be the only person on the whole train who is deaf and therefore needs to speak as loudly as they possibly can. Seriously? Whothefuck do you think you are? People are trying to wind down and all your loud annoying talking is pissing off every single person around you. The sleepers are awake, those reading can no longer concentrate, and the person next to you is wincing due to pure embarrassment for your stupid ass. They are giving everyone the , "I just sat down next to this person, I don't actually know them look". There is an unwritten rule of silence on the El on the rush hour ride home from work and these people (usually women) piss everyone off.

Oh the El, how I love thee.

Wheaties.

My parents, like Dorothy Mantooth, were saints. Ok, not really, but they were good people. Me, being their oldest child and only girl was not only the apple of their eyes, but their rough draft as well. By the time my two younger brothers were born, they were seasoned professionals in the world of parenting.

Like every single child I too became curious about the opposite sex. I think this began around the time my little brother was born (I was not quite 3 years old) because that was the first time I think I had ever really seen a penis. I do not recall asking my mom or dad about this but I do recall the names they had given a penis and a vagina. These names have stories attached to them that will haunt me forever.

Meany.
Yep, that is what my parents had me refer to a penis as; a meany. I suppose that was a pretty fitting name. I mean my parents wanted me to stay away from bad and mean people and things. Cool, great name guys. The only issue I had with meany, other than being confused by it and pulling on my dad's once like it was a truck driver's horn, was that I thought the cereal Wheaties, was called meanies. I refused to eat Wheaties until I was 6 years old and could read that heinous orange box. Good thing my parents were dorks and collected Wheaties boxes. Those fucking things haunted me. Meanies, Meanies...MEANIES! If they wanted me to stay away from them, why did they keep boxes of them? Good thing I didnt have sleep overs yet, could you imagine if I had to sleep at someone's house and their parents gave me Wheaties for breakfast?? Oye vey, they would have thought I was a freak.

On to the lady part. Oh yes, that crazy thing called a pappy. Fuck yes I said pappy. I have no idea why they thought of this or where it came from. Totally odd. So I was pretty pumped to have a pappy. It was nice and sweet unlike the meany. Here is where the issue with pappy came in.

I remember being at my neighbor Kelly's house when I was about 5 for her birthday party. I was so cute with pigtails and Kelly was my best friend and let me sit next to her during cake. I loved cake, what child didnt? I was just chilling at the table eating cake when Kelly jumped out of her chair and ran over to this man to give him a huge hug and kiss. It was sweet. That was until I realized what she was screaming when she saw him. "Pappy! Pappy! Im so glad youre here Pappy." WHAT THE FUCK? Pappy?!?!?! Holy hell! To this day I dont think I ran as fast as I did that day. I was fucking confused. Why the hell was Kelly referring to that man as her tinkle hole? Boy did my parents have a lot of fucking explaining to do to me. In between their hilarious laughter and tears they managed to tell me that my thing was really a vagina and that Kelly's pappy was her grandpa. I still cringe a little when people refer to their grandfather as pappy. I guess its a good thing I didnt grow up in the south or I am afraid my parents would have scarred me for life with that one.

Lovely experiences.

Time can do so much.

While getting loaded on Friday night I looked around at my surroundings and found myself in a familiar environment totally lost. What the hell was I doing? I go to these bars by my mom's house and run into every person I have ever known and act like I give a shit. I don't. I stand and talk to meaningless people for what feels like hours at a time when I could be with my friends, getting drunker, or better yet, talking to good looking random guys who I could potentially hook up with. (Ok not in the burbs, cant bring boys home to mom's house anymore...its just too weird.) I waste my time trying to make up for being a raging bitch when I was 16. I act like these people still care. I am sure they dont, or at least hope they dont. Because I am no longer that same 16 year old bitch I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

Being by my mom's house just brings out the high school in me. I think being back there for a lot of people brings out the high school in them. We all act like we are still the same kids smoking weed in each others cars having intense stoner conversations about the future. We act like things havent changed and that time hasnt changed us. In some ways its comforting, in other ways, it's just creepy.

These people that used to know me still think they do and I them. I guess we will always know our most embarassing moments, secrets, who our virginities went to and the first time we got fucked up.

Crabby Pants. No real crabs involved.

So ever since "A" and I started talking I have started this horrible habit of getting off at work at the same time every single day. I schedule my meetings around this. I have voicemails and pictures to work with. So today was the first day in over a month that this mission was not accomplished.

Holy hell was I fucking crabby. I had no idea that I really gotten into this habit. But I did.

So what am I going to do? I decided 2 days ago to stop talking to "A", although he doesnt know that yet. I have practically memorized the few voice mails of his I have saved. I realize that I could just go out and get laid and solve the whole horny problem but that isnt going to stop my clockwork masturbation.

On another note. Have a date on Tuesday...little nervous about it. He is actually pretty cool. He is not "A" but he is here...oh wait...I forgot I quit "A". It's been a while since I have been on a "real" date. I hope he knows what he is getting in to!

I <3 NY

I'm in this alone.

"A" is so oblivious to the feelings that I have. Either that or he chooses to ignore them due to the distance. I am freaking myself out. I find myself worrying about this guy and the things he is doing constantly. I look at my phone 900 times during the day to make sure I didn't miss a text or the very rare "sober call". And to be real with myself, I never do because there is never anything there. It is always me reaching out. It is always me, "just saying hi, baby." It is always just me...alone in this.

I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes for a man who doesn't even ask how my day was. Who doesn't even acknowledge me after my mom has major surgery and only realizes that I have been absent for a few days because there are no new Hustler like pics of me in his text message in box. Who doesn't even care if I go see him or not (lives in a different state). And yet, here come the stupid tears streaming down my face no matter how mad I am that they are there, they won't stop. They are the worst kind too. The kind that stop you from seeing and just keep falling without your face having to move a muscle. (Just looked at my cell again for the 3rd time in the 4 minutes it has taken me to write this.)

I embrace him because I have decided that he is everything I want and desire in a man. He has that acne-thing that I love. (Yep, I have a thing for guys with acne/acne scars...don't ask because I have no logical explanation for this.) He is funny, dirty, sarcastic, not over-the-top smart, educated, same religious beliefs (a first for me), and is a phone call away when I need someone to drunk dial. He lacks in the kindness department but that doesn't even matter to me; he just takes away the feelings of loneliness.

But as I sit here typing this, I realize that is so not true. He is, in fact, creating a deeper feeling of hollow for me because my feelings are not being reciprocated. My thoughts, wants, needs, and desires for him are definitely not being reciprocated and yet I am still totally wrapped into him. (I even listened to one of his dirty voice mails prior to writing this to get off to his voice.) He controls my daily moods.

I want to pretend I am better than all this. But I am not. I am a girl who is looking to be loved back. Oh god, I admitted it. I typed that without even knowing that I was thinking it. I feel sick.

I'm so much more alone in this than I ever could have imagined.

Streaks on the China...

I have the weirdest memory ever. So today I could not get the theme song from...The Gary Shandling Show out of my head. No, not The Larry Sanders Show, the one even before that.

"This is the theme to Gary's Show, the opening theme to Gary's show...this is the music that you hear as you watch the credits.
We're almost to the part where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch " The Gary Shandling Show"

How in the fuck do I remember this? I was like 6 when this show was out and it was on late on Showtime.

Well of course then I started thinking about tons of theme songs from 80's and 90's TV shows. Im pretty sure if they had a game show to name theme songs to tv shows from just those decades that I would be freakin awesome. I really would. I remembered tons of themes. I remember songs to shows that I didnt even watch, case in point, the Gary Shandling Show.

"And there aint no nothing we cant love eachother through, what would we do baby without love...sha nananaa"

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a papercup...

I wish people would stop leaving me alone with thoughts.

Here are some from today:

*The music that I listened to throughout High School, although catchy, was fucking awful. Please do let me make a mixed CD of that shit again!

*I need some sexin. Its been a little while and I have freakin earned it. I have been a nice girl. Cleaned up after my roommate. Made my bed every day. To me these are all valid reasons as to why I should get laid.

*Polish men (ok fine men in general) should not be allowed to frost the tips of their hair. Ewww.

*Those 100 calorie packs of cheeto(h)-balls fuckin rock.

*How the fuck do you spell Cheetohs? <---Is that even right? What?

*I could eat pickles, 100 calorie packs of chips, asparagus (another word I struggle in spelling) and mozzarella sticks every day. Oh and a snack pack puddin cup, chocolate of course.

*hahahaha...That huge black lady from Billy Madison, "I'll be your snack pack". That line gets me every time.

*I need cooler friends.

*When guys wax their brows, its weird.

*When I touch a guys' arm and I feel stuble...also weird.

*I need to lose 10lbs. But I need to finish my mint hot chocolate and toffee bar from starbucks first.

*Gay men are sooooo much hotter than straight men

*Blogging is for losers.

*I am a loser.

God Bless and Goodnight!

ewww @ me

So I have just done the unthinkable; I actually posted on craigslist. I posted looking for a relationship. Seriously, I really did. How sad have I become. Or was I just this sad to begin with and didnt know?

I have rec'd several very interesting responses. It's refreshing to know that I am not the only complete loser in the Chi. But really, I must be the only semi-attractive loser in this town. These guys are just...well...not attractive. I didnt expect much in my defense.

Which brings me to my always present question; what is wrong with me? (Its rhetorical so please do not feel the need to answer; Im trying to figure that one out on my own.)

I'll love and miss you forever!

Out of no where last night we had to put my dog to sleep. (he was 13)

I know it is just a dog but I am truly a wreck. My mom bought me my dog after my dad died to cheer me and my little brothers up. It hurts. Things have been really fucked up lately.

I had promised myself that 25 was going to be my best year yet and no matter how hard I am trying (and lord knows that I am) it seems as though it is not making a difference.

My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. My dog was like my baby. I was able to say goodbye to him. As I was holding him he was licking the tears off of my face. Talk about misery. He seemed so fine. He wasn't I know that. I know life goes on and that I will even get another dog again within the next couple of years but this dog stood for more than just a pet, he was the reprieve from my dad's death and I am just not dealing well.

Foie Gras

Ranting.

My roommate sucks.

She just broke up with her boyfriend (of 3 years mind you) and is already onto her next conquest. A huge Polish guy who spends the night here every...single...night. Oye Vey. I had to ask them to go into her fucking room last night so I could take a shower. No, Im not a prude, but I see the way he looks at me with clothes on and I would probably feel molested if I saw the way he looked at me with just a towel on. Ich.

We only have one tv too. Boo.

With that being said, she is a tv critic. Well, I guess more of a conisseur (no idea how to spell that word) if you would. She does nothing better than watch tv. She is pretty much excellent at it. She knows so much tv that she feels its ok to talk during whatever show is on no matter if anyone is paying attention or not. The only time she is quiet is during the news. That is when I go to bed. She talks to herself when Im not there. God knows the Polski doenst understand what she is saying.

The only thing she does better is play on myspace. She is OBSESSED. I wake up on Sunday morning at about 8:30 and her ass is already on the fucking computer. She still wont turn off her fucking aim! College called, they insist you come back.

She is home every night and makes no plans on the weekends. She lurks in the common rooms waiting for an invite from me. Blah. Then if she actually does make a plan she doesnt invite me (thank god) but gets offended when I dont invite her.

Boo @ her ass. Boo@ her in general.

Smokin' Whitneys Crack Pipe...

I'm BAAaaack.

Yeah. Ok.

So the summer has gone by. That's all I really have to say about that. It won't be until about January that I long for summer and will only then ultimately decide if this summer was good and I miss it; or if I am looking more forward to "having a kick ass summer" next summer.

I decided to write today because I needed a distraction other than f'in myspace.

The boyfriend and I are doing great. That is only because we have been officially together for like 3 weeks or something. He is a very chill guy with pretty much everything going for him (other than me). As much as Im trying to get into this guy I find myself holding back. I know exactly why I am holding back too; Im in love with someone else. It took me a long time to realize that I was in love with this person. I always knew I had intense feeling for him, but it just hit me a little while back that it is actually love.

So I here I have this great bf and all I can think about is the schmuck who doesnt want me. In fact, he has made it blatantly clear that for the time being he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Him and I go back and forth like this though, we always have. One month we are not talking-the next month we are calling eachother all the time-2 more months of not talking-1 month of sleeping together...its a sick cycle. Its basically his cycle though. He refuses to admit his feelings for me. He picked a fight with me as soon as he found out whats-his-face and I made things exclusive and here we are, not talking. I ran into him last night and he just did the stupid whatsup-head-nod. Coo. He looked around for bf but he wasnt there and then slapped my ass when I walked by. Tight.

Next....

Ok so I finally moved to the city and I am loving it. Its so great to be so close to so many cool things to do. Not like I have done any of them, but I have definitely thought about it. I will. I promised myself I would and I have to. Being 25 cannot be as lame as being 24. I have already slept with more people at 25 than I did at 24, so that is neat. Mind you, I have only been 25 for a month and a half...I have also only lived in the city for a month and a half. Coincidence? I know not ;)

On to some of my random thoughts:

*Why do skinny jeans have to be coming back into style? For the love of Christ, someone please stop this. Skinny jeans are not skinny unless you are...

*My skin has been perfect since I started sexing more.

*I think nap-time should be an option at work. They allow smoke breaks, why not nap breaks? Set up a room with some cots, dim lighting and a security guard (no hanky panky) and let me nap for 15 minutes, I'd be a much happier employee.

*Blueberry Stoli + Lemonade = Crazy Delicious

*Midget on Midget Porn...still on the hunt for some of that. Im not sick, just curious, intrigued if you would.

*That show on TLC with the family of 16 is fucking nuts. Look at that family. Just look at them! The mom is a pussy machine and the dad is loaded with fertility. They created 16 (or 14 - dont recall exactly) of the weirdest looking, robotic, 0 personality children ever. How can they live with themselves knowing the are raising weiners? One kid who is 8 wants to be a missionary when he grows up and his favorite thing to do is play broom ball?!?!?! On the real yo, boo.

*Buckwild is my hero.

*2 of my male friends last night were discussing how when one of them got drunk, he took a pair of the other's socks. He wants them back. I think that is weird. He said they had a cool print on them and that I wouldnt understand. Ok...

*I think I have a friend who is gay.

*Freeze pops are spectacular. I eat 2 a day. Hefferwhat?

I need to get back to work.

What?

So ummm yeah, its been a while.

Things have been fucking insane and Im not sure where to even start.

I guess Ill start out with the fact that I am pretty damn happy to be alive. I didnt have some sort of rockin ephiphany (god, Im drunker than i thought...trying to type that word sucked, and Im sure its still not correct) I basically got into a crazy bad car accident and well...am happy to be alive.

Short version:
I was taking a left through a yellow light on my way to work and an old man smacked into the passenger side of my car. It has been up in the air for the past week whether or not it was totalled...its not and now I am going to have to wait a month for my car to get is $10,000 worth of damages fixed. Had the mutha fucka hit my side I would have...well lets just stop there.

I am ok. My back and neck are jacked up like mad but the window that came crashing down on me did no harm to me at all so things could definitely be a lot worse. Im pretty happy that I had almost completed the turn because had I not, the 180 I did would have forced me to go into oncoming traffic.

I have been a thinking a lot...and no need to share those deep, boring thoughts...so lets bring this to my current drunk thoughts...

Why do girls suck? I seriously find myself ashamed more often than not to be a woman. I canont believe how fucking ridiculous some (not all) ladies are. I stepped on some girls foot tonight and I immediately gave her a sincere apology. (The bar was fucking packed and she wouldnt move out of the way after I said excuse me twice.) She turns to me and says "you should be". I poured my drink down her leg after that. Cooter.

Strapless bras. Honestly...those suck as hard as that Cooter did. I spent all night tugging at it to readjust my boobs. Do they make strapless bras to fit girls who have real boobs over a size C? Just wondering.

Granola bars are not excellent drunk food.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos are.

How come no one plays Yolanda on the radio anymore? Awesome jam.

Why does Pour Some Sugar on Me instantly make every single girl in a bar an insta-whore?

Mexican grindage? No bueno.

Sauce sandwiches rock with a side of those Flamin' Hots.

I love smoking so much when Im hammered. I will not love it tomorrow.

Why does the cop from the accident keep calling me? I dont want to go to his house in Lake Geneva with him. Hes older than my mom and I have yet to return any one of his calls.

"Havent you people ever heard of, closing the god damned door. No." Fucking stupid song stuck in my head.

Those little shorts are hot...on skinny girls. Fatties...stop. Please. YUCK!!!!!

My hair looked wicked awesome tonight. Until the serious sweating started.

Im pretty. Yep I said it. Im drunk. Im stupid. And a liar. Soooo not pretty. Cute though..definitely cute.

How come I never get cut off? Does anyone ever listen to the words that actually come of my mouth after I have drank too much.

God Bless and goodnight.

I dont want anybody else...

I just did something that I am not sure of. I am not sure if I am a loser because I did this, or just horny, or just straight up weird.

I just masterbated at work...like 3 times. No, I did not go into the dirty bathroom, I simply just shut my door and locked it. I have masterbated at work, but not like this. I mean if someone had the key to unlock my door that would have had quite the pretty site.

My skirt was flipped up around my hips and my chair was leaning all the way back. It was hot I guess. I havent been laid in a while and things have been kinda slow around here. All it took was one hard movement of my legs and I was ready to go. I think that if I masterbated more often I wouldnt be so uptight. I know that if I got laid more often I would definitely be a lot more fun...and have more fun at that.

I guess everyone has their dry spells. I just hope mine dont turn into perpetual masterbation instead of some good ol fashion sexin!

ta da

Date cancelled on me.

Sweet.

Now I am going out drinking and smoking with my friends.

Life is good.

dating for dummies.

I have a date tomorrow night.
This would be my first date in a long time.
Im not sure if I am going on this date because I am really interested in the guy or because I feel as though I should "be putting myself back out there". The truth is that I am really not interested in dating but everyone around me thinks I should be.

He is nice and decent looking but he has one HUGE flaw. The man does not drink. Whatthefuck am I going to do? Im a lush. For to me to be comfortable around this virtual stranger I need some cocktails. The no drinking factor also factors out any ass that could have been had or given and what not. I need the sauce to put out and sometimes to find certain people attractive and do-able.

I am nervous due to this. And normally, I am never nervous about stuff like this. Im a great first date (for the most part, although I know a couple people who may argue that). Oh yeah...when Im nervous I smoke...yeah ummmm...guess what else date doesn't do? Im not trying to make this a disaster but AHHHHHHHHHHH. I cant wait to get it over with and break the hymen on my no dating life.