Words are flowing out like endless rain into a papercup...

I wish people would stop leaving me alone with thoughts.

Here are some from today:

*The music that I listened to throughout High School, although catchy, was fucking awful. Please do let me make a mixed CD of that shit again!

*I need some sexin. Its been a little while and I have freakin earned it. I have been a nice girl. Cleaned up after my roommate. Made my bed every day. To me these are all valid reasons as to why I should get laid.

*Polish men (ok fine men in general) should not be allowed to frost the tips of their hair. Ewww.

*Those 100 calorie packs of cheeto(h)-balls fuckin rock.

*How the fuck do you spell Cheetohs? <---Is that even right? What?

*I could eat pickles, 100 calorie packs of chips, asparagus (another word I struggle in spelling) and mozzarella sticks every day. Oh and a snack pack puddin cup, chocolate of course.

*hahahaha...That huge black lady from Billy Madison, "I'll be your snack pack". That line gets me every time.

*I need cooler friends.

*When guys wax their brows, its weird.

*When I touch a guys' arm and I feel stuble...also weird.

*I need to lose 10lbs. But I need to finish my mint hot chocolate and toffee bar from starbucks first.

*Gay men are sooooo much hotter than straight men

*Blogging is for losers.

*I am a loser.

God Bless and Goodnight!

ewww @ me

So I have just done the unthinkable; I actually posted on craigslist. I posted looking for a relationship. Seriously, I really did. How sad have I become. Or was I just this sad to begin with and didnt know?

I have rec'd several very interesting responses. It's refreshing to know that I am not the only complete loser in the Chi. But really, I must be the only semi-attractive loser in this town. These guys are just...well...not attractive. I didnt expect much in my defense.

Which brings me to my always present question; what is wrong with me? (Its rhetorical so please do not feel the need to answer; Im trying to figure that one out on my own.)

I'll love and miss you forever!

Out of no where last night we had to put my dog to sleep. (he was 13)

I know it is just a dog but I am truly a wreck. My mom bought me my dog after my dad died to cheer me and my little brothers up. It hurts. Things have been really fucked up lately.

I had promised myself that 25 was going to be my best year yet and no matter how hard I am trying (and lord knows that I am) it seems as though it is not making a difference.

My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. My dog was like my baby. I was able to say goodbye to him. As I was holding him he was licking the tears off of my face. Talk about misery. He seemed so fine. He wasn't I know that. I know life goes on and that I will even get another dog again within the next couple of years but this dog stood for more than just a pet, he was the reprieve from my dad's death and I am just not dealing well.

Foie Gras

Ranting.

My roommate sucks.

She just broke up with her boyfriend (of 3 years mind you) and is already onto her next conquest. A huge Polish guy who spends the night here every...single...night. Oye Vey. I had to ask them to go into her fucking room last night so I could take a shower. No, Im not a prude, but I see the way he looks at me with clothes on and I would probably feel molested if I saw the way he looked at me with just a towel on. Ich.

We only have one tv too. Boo.

With that being said, she is a tv critic. Well, I guess more of a conisseur (no idea how to spell that word) if you would. She does nothing better than watch tv. She is pretty much excellent at it. She knows so much tv that she feels its ok to talk during whatever show is on no matter if anyone is paying attention or not. The only time she is quiet is during the news. That is when I go to bed. She talks to herself when Im not there. God knows the Polski doenst understand what she is saying.

The only thing she does better is play on myspace. She is OBSESSED. I wake up on Sunday morning at about 8:30 and her ass is already on the fucking computer. She still wont turn off her fucking aim! College called, they insist you come back.

She is home every night and makes no plans on the weekends. She lurks in the common rooms waiting for an invite from me. Blah. Then if she actually does make a plan she doesnt invite me (thank god) but gets offended when I dont invite her.

Boo @ her ass. Boo@ her in general.

Smokin' Whitneys Crack Pipe...

I'm BAAaaack.

Yeah. Ok.

So the summer has gone by. That's all I really have to say about that. It won't be until about January that I long for summer and will only then ultimately decide if this summer was good and I miss it; or if I am looking more forward to "having a kick ass summer" next summer.

I decided to write today because I needed a distraction other than f'in myspace.

The boyfriend and I are doing great. That is only because we have been officially together for like 3 weeks or something. He is a very chill guy with pretty much everything going for him (other than me). As much as Im trying to get into this guy I find myself holding back. I know exactly why I am holding back too; Im in love with someone else. It took me a long time to realize that I was in love with this person. I always knew I had intense feeling for him, but it just hit me a little while back that it is actually love.

So I here I have this great bf and all I can think about is the schmuck who doesnt want me. In fact, he has made it blatantly clear that for the time being he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Him and I go back and forth like this though, we always have. One month we are not talking-the next month we are calling eachother all the time-2 more months of not talking-1 month of sleeping together...its a sick cycle. Its basically his cycle though. He refuses to admit his feelings for me. He picked a fight with me as soon as he found out whats-his-face and I made things exclusive and here we are, not talking. I ran into him last night and he just did the stupid whatsup-head-nod. Coo. He looked around for bf but he wasnt there and then slapped my ass when I walked by. Tight.

Next....

Ok so I finally moved to the city and I am loving it. Its so great to be so close to so many cool things to do. Not like I have done any of them, but I have definitely thought about it. I will. I promised myself I would and I have to. Being 25 cannot be as lame as being 24. I have already slept with more people at 25 than I did at 24, so that is neat. Mind you, I have only been 25 for a month and a half...I have also only lived in the city for a month and a half. Coincidence? I know not ;)

On to some of my random thoughts:

*Why do skinny jeans have to be coming back into style? For the love of Christ, someone please stop this. Skinny jeans are not skinny unless you are...

*My skin has been perfect since I started sexing more.

*I think nap-time should be an option at work. They allow smoke breaks, why not nap breaks? Set up a room with some cots, dim lighting and a security guard (no hanky panky) and let me nap for 15 minutes, I'd be a much happier employee.

*Blueberry Stoli + Lemonade = Crazy Delicious

*Midget on Midget Porn...still on the hunt for some of that. Im not sick, just curious, intrigued if you would.

*That show on TLC with the family of 16 is fucking nuts. Look at that family. Just look at them! The mom is a pussy machine and the dad is loaded with fertility. They created 16 (or 14 - dont recall exactly) of the weirdest looking, robotic, 0 personality children ever. How can they live with themselves knowing the are raising weiners? One kid who is 8 wants to be a missionary when he grows up and his favorite thing to do is play broom ball?!?!?! On the real yo, boo.

*Buckwild is my hero.

*2 of my male friends last night were discussing how when one of them got drunk, he took a pair of the other's socks. He wants them back. I think that is weird. He said they had a cool print on them and that I wouldnt understand. Ok...

*I think I have a friend who is gay.

*Freeze pops are spectacular. I eat 2 a day. Hefferwhat?

I need to get back to work.

What?

So ummm yeah, its been a while.

Things have been fucking insane and Im not sure where to even start.

I guess Ill start out with the fact that I am pretty damn happy to be alive. I didnt have some sort of rockin ephiphany (god, Im drunker than i thought...trying to type that word sucked, and Im sure its still not correct) I basically got into a crazy bad car accident and well...am happy to be alive.

Short version:
I was taking a left through a yellow light on my way to work and an old man smacked into the passenger side of my car. It has been up in the air for the past week whether or not it was totalled...its not and now I am going to have to wait a month for my car to get is $10,000 worth of damages fixed. Had the mutha fucka hit my side I would have...well lets just stop there.

I am ok. My back and neck are jacked up like mad but the window that came crashing down on me did no harm to me at all so things could definitely be a lot worse. Im pretty happy that I had almost completed the turn because had I not, the 180 I did would have forced me to go into oncoming traffic.

I have been a thinking a lot...and no need to share those deep, boring thoughts...so lets bring this to my current drunk thoughts...

Why do girls suck? I seriously find myself ashamed more often than not to be a woman. I canont believe how fucking ridiculous some (not all) ladies are. I stepped on some girls foot tonight and I immediately gave her a sincere apology. (The bar was fucking packed and she wouldnt move out of the way after I said excuse me twice.) She turns to me and says "you should be". I poured my drink down her leg after that. Cooter.

Strapless bras. Honestly...those suck as hard as that Cooter did. I spent all night tugging at it to readjust my boobs. Do they make strapless bras to fit girls who have real boobs over a size C? Just wondering.

Granola bars are not excellent drunk food.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos are.

How come no one plays Yolanda on the radio anymore? Awesome jam.

Why does Pour Some Sugar on Me instantly make every single girl in a bar an insta-whore?

Mexican grindage? No bueno.

Sauce sandwiches rock with a side of those Flamin' Hots.

I love smoking so much when Im hammered. I will not love it tomorrow.

Why does the cop from the accident keep calling me? I dont want to go to his house in Lake Geneva with him. Hes older than my mom and I have yet to return any one of his calls.

"Havent you people ever heard of, closing the god damned door. No." Fucking stupid song stuck in my head.

Those little shorts are hot...on skinny girls. Fatties...stop. Please. YUCK!!!!!

My hair looked wicked awesome tonight. Until the serious sweating started.

Im pretty. Yep I said it. Im drunk. Im stupid. And a liar. Soooo not pretty. Cute though..definitely cute.

How come I never get cut off? Does anyone ever listen to the words that actually come of my mouth after I have drank too much.

God Bless and goodnight.

I dont want anybody else...

I just did something that I am not sure of. I am not sure if I am a loser because I did this, or just horny, or just straight up weird.

I just masterbated at work...like 3 times. No, I did not go into the dirty bathroom, I simply just shut my door and locked it. I have masterbated at work, but not like this. I mean if someone had the key to unlock my door that would have had quite the pretty site.

My skirt was flipped up around my hips and my chair was leaning all the way back. It was hot I guess. I havent been laid in a while and things have been kinda slow around here. All it took was one hard movement of my legs and I was ready to go. I think that if I masterbated more often I wouldnt be so uptight. I know that if I got laid more often I would definitely be a lot more fun...and have more fun at that.

I guess everyone has their dry spells. I just hope mine dont turn into perpetual masterbation instead of some good ol fashion sexin!

ta da

Date cancelled on me.

Sweet.

Now I am going out drinking and smoking with my friends.

Life is good.

dating for dummies.

I have a date tomorrow night.
This would be my first date in a long time.
Im not sure if I am going on this date because I am really interested in the guy or because I feel as though I should "be putting myself back out there". The truth is that I am really not interested in dating but everyone around me thinks I should be.

He is nice and decent looking but he has one HUGE flaw. The man does not drink. Whatthefuck am I going to do? Im a lush. For to me to be comfortable around this virtual stranger I need some cocktails. The no drinking factor also factors out any ass that could have been had or given and what not. I need the sauce to put out and sometimes to find certain people attractive and do-able.

I am nervous due to this. And normally, I am never nervous about stuff like this. Im a great first date (for the most part, although I know a couple people who may argue that). Oh yeah...when Im nervous I smoke...yeah ummmm...guess what else date doesn't do? Im not trying to make this a disaster but AHHHHHHHHHHH. I cant wait to get it over with and break the hymen on my no dating life.

Holy Thursday Batman.

I have been sick all week and really do not have much to say other than "being sick really fucking sucks". Yep, you can quote me on that.

The sucky part, other than being sick, so I guess I should say, the suckier part is...I am leaving for Florida today feeling like a junglebush in tight spandex sweating in the Amazon. For the first time ever I am not looking forward to going on vacation :( And I get to go on a boat and Im still not excited.

Allergies are like dingleberries...they go lurk right under the surface until your about to do some fun stuff. (Yep, I dated a guy who had some dingleberries now and again. I would rip on him on for that but I understand the pressures of pooping at work. I could feel his pain.)

Ok the meds are making me tarded again.

Have sweet weekends.

Sunday Funday.

I had no idea how sexually frustrated I was until about 3:40 pm yesterday.

As usual my Sunday afternoons are confined to my family room couch. Although since mom's boyfriend was home, and I hate him, I proceeded to spend my Sunday afternoon on the living room couch...which is not nearly as comfortable. The nice part of the living room is that it has sliding doors which allow you to close yourself off from the world, or in my case mom's boyfriend. I tend to spend the whole day dozing in and out of consciousness.

So after about my 4th short nap of the day a jolt wakes me up. I cautiously look around the room to make sure someone isnt playing a trick on me and that is when I realize...my hand is down my pants and my pants are wet...

Whatthefuck? Now this has only happened to me like once before...possibly twice. I have definitely had wet dreams before, but to actually masterbate in my sleep...crazy weird. (Or maybe not?) I have no idea what I was dreaming about or who it was about but for the love of god I wish that would happen more often. I was in the best mood after that. I felt so relaxed until....

about an hour later when my mom came into the living room to make sure I was ok. She heard me "having a nightmare".

Weird.

Happy 50th Post

Proof that two of my favorite people can coexist without a crazy throwdown. Meet my ninjrate or my pirja. Whatever you would like to call it.

And FYI:
He is my third favorite person and my soon-to-be fuckbuddy.

Just sayin. Word.

hot boobs.

I decided that since I got a pretty good base tan after my long weekend (killer springbreak 06) in Memphis that tanning when I got home before I leave for Florida at the end of the month is a great idea. So fucking wrong.

I am sitting in my office with my door shut and my shirt unbuttoned to keep the searing burn that is my boobs nice and cool and easily accesible for the insane amount of itching. This is bothersome in so many ways.

My ass, although lovely, is burnt as well but my boobs are definitely distracting me from paying attention to it. Why did I do this to myself? As I am sitting here typing this I am itching like a mutha-fucka all ova.

But I look super hot so that is what counts...

I am so shallow.

monday

At 1:54 pm He said goodbye.

And that is all she wrote.

Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho.

Things have been really fucked up lately...hence the lack of blogging.

I havent had too much to say which that alone is completely bizarre being a Jew and a woman. I guess I have just had a lot on mind and actually tried to sort things out in my head instead of making a mockery of it through blogging. But hey...fuck that...it doesnt work...

some thoughts...

How come when my cousin was little and had a lazy eye she wore a patch and fixed it...and my 35 year old boss did not? Does she know what that does to me every single day?

Harry Potter and I share the same birthday. Neat.

Steve Guttenberg is completely under-rated as an actor/human being and should at least get to have his own tv show...I mean fuck...Freddie Prinze Jr. has one. Give the Gute a second chance America.

My great great Aunt Toby (shes been dead for like 20 years now) looked like Sophia from the golden girls. I just found a pic of her the other day and was pretty impressed...she coulda been a star.

Penelope Cruz has a weird looking face. I think she is a Cincinatti Bengal. Sorry.

Who thought it was a good idea to make Joan Cusak the US Cellular spokesperson...she is freakin weirdo. Her best role ever was that of Girl in neckbrace in Sixteen Candles. Her and that water fountain...such hilarity.

Why when I am eating fruit snacks do I always save the blue ones for last...they are definitely not the best flavor.

I have had the same eye make-up on for three days. Yep, Ive showerd, its fucking cool.

If everyone hates Star Jones so much...then why is she in every magazine...shes gross.

Its been a while since some sexin.

OMG...I made out last night...sweet. I love when you get those hazy memory jolts after a 10 hour drinking binge...the next day.

I need to tan...bad...real bad.

Whatever happened to that kid Jaime from Small Wonder??? Or his black friend? Or fucking Vikki??? Harriett anyone? Where are they now????? Please tell me.

I used to be in love with the Fonze when I was 4. Im pretty much Joan Cusak weird.

Word.

All by myself...

*note: Thanks Loz...for pointing out the countless times I spelled maturbate wrong due to it being spelled wrong in the search!

So my blog comes up when someone is searching for "best female ways to masterbate". I found this out after clicking on the site meter at the bottom of my page and checking my referrals. My concern is not that my blog comes up but that someone has to look up the "best female ways to masterbate". I sincerely hope it is teenage boy looking for the best way to finger-bang his 14 year old girlfriend. If it is a woman, well then we need to have some sort of chat.

Masturbation is only perfected when you know your own body. For example, I know that when I am buying a vibrator I only need to buy a small one (silver bullett is perfect for me) because I know how to just work my g-spot without having to "get all in-depth". For me, masturbation and sex and do not have a whole lot in common. Getting myself off is not nearly as full-filling (no pun intended) as having a good sex partner.

If you are shy or have roommates and are "worried" about someone walking in on you, the shower can quickly become your best friend. Using your finger or even the power from the faucet or showerhead can get you off. You should try all sorts of different textures and spots to really feel what is good for you. (Buy a massaging shower head!)

I tend to masturbate a lot so I find that various lotions and oils are awesome too. I like to get the oils/lotions that heat up a little bit so I can feel more of a sensation (and lets face it, cum quicker) than I would by just playing with myself. Sometimes Ill watch some skin-a-max porn and get off to that or just picture myself with whoever I choose!

Masturbation is not something that can be taught or read up on, it is something that has to be experienced and learned for ones self. (If you are a teenage boy...dont finger bang with no technique...talk to your buddies or a girl best friend...but jabbing it in and out is no good. And flicking her clit...waaaaay NO good.)

Back to work :(

And now a note from a special friend...

Happy Friday All!

And to my Jewish friend Shabbat Shalom.

The Venga Bus is coming....and Im on it.

The Ghost of Boyfriend Past.

An ex boyfriend from years past sent me a text message today letting me know he is getting hitched. I have been trying to process this information for the past 20 or so minutes and the feelings I am having are very strange.

I am incredibly happy for him. He has been with this girl for a few years now and she (from what he tells me) is amazing. Yet, I cannot help but remember all the drunk dials he made to me and the couple "secret" (absolutely no cheating involved) times we met up for a drink. Was this his way of trying to tell me he wanted to be with me? (Well yes because he said so...) Could I be Julie right now?

To be perfectly honest, I do not want to be with him. He is a wonderful guy but just not the guy for me. But could I be in Julie's place right now...a soon-to-be-bride? Do I really enjoy being single or am I too scared to move on with my life? This question is something that I have refused to think about for a couple of months because me going by "Asexual" has been drama-less and quite enjoyable.

Im feeling all confused right now and I feel as though I am being forced to finally confront this question. Yuck...this day is sucking and my head already hurts.

Booooo.

It's...

Mother Fucking On...Like Donkey Kong.

Stace and I go to the bar last night (my usual Thursday night fiasco/hangout) and everything appears to be in order. All the regulars are there, its crowded as hell, bad dance music is playing and I am buzzed. So for me this is a pretty basic Thursday night.

As the story goes for most people, the more I drink, the more I want to dance and I usually end up doing my best impersonation of a hoochie in a rap video/Celine Dion on crack moves. Yep, Im that impressive. Anyway...so Stace and I find ourselves admist the melting pot that is the dance floor and bust a move harder than Tone Loc, Hammer, and Humpty could have ever dreamed of. I am talking sweaty here folks, sexy sweaty. Ok fine not sexy sweaty...but feeling great. As we are dancing(and simultaneously swatting away the Mexican humping beans and the Rick James's) we come across 3 very nice looking boys.

So we start white kid bopping to the tunes and next thing you know I am Baby and having the time of my life with Patrick Swayze. Sweet moves are coming out of no-where and I feel myself actually smiling and semi-attracted to the guy whos semi I was grinding on. Good times.

WRONG! Out of the deep dark corners of the bar comes this...this...there are no words for her so I will just describe this being: a 5'3, pizza faced, back-ne'd, fucking mini-pigtailed only in the front of her head, Pepe Le Pew t-shirt wearing cooter. She apparently claimed stake on these boys (who were by no means interested in the likes of her) and every other boy in the bar and went CRAZY. This bitch literally fucking pulled my hair and called me a fat bitch. (Not fat!)

Nuh-uh Craig. I will fuck any bitch up who...wait...wait...wait...I am dancing with a cop (news to me) who apparently sees the rage glowing in my eyes and grabs me just as I go to lunge at the fucktard (a Pepe Le Pew shirt...fucktard is justified here). Well, me being the classy bitch that I am, I am not about to start a Jerry Springer on the dance floor at this bar so I let the cop take me outside to calm me down. I am too mad to go back into the bar so 5-0 has to go in to get Stace.

So Stace comes outside and who is following her? Yeah, you know it, Java the Hut. She is walking out, smiling like she got the best of me...fuck that. I was outside now. Copper sees the rage look again and stands in front of me so I cant get around him...so what did I do? Remember kids, I am a classy bitch.

I fucking loogied right in her mother fucking face. It was D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G...I was smoking all night long and have had some sinus issues the past few weeks. You should have seen the look on this skanks face. Priceless. If I ever see her again (which I will) I am going to do it again.

Moral of the story...pull my hair all you want, punch me in the face, kick me when Im down but when it comes right down to it, I have no shame and will shit on your head if I get the chance.

Word.

He Pitties Me...

Why does being a single female mean 1 of 2 two things; 1) you're slutty or 2) you are too ________ (insert some sort of negative female stereotype here)? Why can't being a single female mean you just aren't in the mood for a boyfriend?

I am not in the market for a boyfriend because I am too slutty or because I am too ugly, needy, desperate or lame; I am none of the above. I just do not feel like putting up with all the hassle that a relationship brings. I understand and value the good aspects to a healthy and good relationship however for those aspects to be real, there has to be some work involved and for fucks sake I just want to be selfish and lazy and worry about me and only me. So now this makes me suck at life?

The lack of relationship does not make me suck at life. But...damn it there is always a but...my lack of want for some ass does make me suck at life. I am asexual at the moment and I am not quite sure how I got to this point.

On an average day I think about sex at least 20 times. On a great day I masterbate a few times and fully enjoy the release that comes along with a self-induced finger (or vibrator) fuck. Lately though, I have not even wanted to do that. Has my pure laziness gotten the best of me? Or have I just become...boring?

In all honesty I know why I am this way right now (incredibly personal issues the past couple of months) and I just want to start living my life again. I just want to feel the release (in more ways than one). I have been so hesitant to move from my comfort zone as of late that I have cut myself off from a world of fun and some excitement. How does one let them self out? Any suggestions?

Alright...enough of the jibba jabba....