happy trails?

D. Wow.

D is greatest guy I have ever let get away. I think that I actually chased him away. He came into my life at a point that I was not willing to accept a man let alone myself. He came around a few months after Drew and I broke up and I was in a dark, skanky place. I didn't think I deserved someone as good as him nor could I believe that someone like him could like and care for someone like me.

I knew I was making a huge mistake, even while I was making it but...well there was just a but at that time. I have never been quite able to get him out of my mind. That partially stems from the fact that he contacts me every month or so just to say hi and check in and see how I am doing.

So last night we have a huge talk. It makes no sense that we had this talk now because we are both in relationships and seemingly happy. A lot was put out on the table. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, reasons...everything. He is such an incredible man and I sit here feeling guilty for not only letting him get away but for letting my feelings for him consume me today. He is leaving for the air force soon and wants to see me. That scares me. He scares me. My feelings for him scare me.

I told him I wasnt sure I could see him...

dazed and confused

Some might call me a fuck-up; others may call me brave. Whatever the case is or whatever people think holds no bearing on the decisions I have been making as of late.

Quit my job. I had finally fucking had it. Life is too short to be treated like garbage. I picked pride over money and shame. I am obviously not cut out for the corporate world of bullshit. Everyone is freaking out over my decision and is compelled to offer me their opinions and advice on what I should do and how I should do it. It's amazing how people care what you are doing when you arent doing it anymore.

So for the past week I have been on my couch watching Maury and searching for a low paying jobs that will make me happier. I will let you know when I figure that out. Happiness is such a nice word but such a confusing emotion.

With that being said, lets discuss Gary. Oye Vey. I throw men away and I try to not look back. I decided that with Gary things would be different. I would take all the little things that annoy me about him and work on them. This is killing me. I have never denied the fact that I am shallow; I definitely am to some degree, but the things that I am working to look past are overwhelming me. I am working on taking one thing at a time, but if progress isnt made soon I am afraid I will throw him away like the rest.

I actually give a shit about him too. I know I need to get over myself, but I need to be the one to wake up to that every day and be, here is that shitty word/emotion again, happy. On the phone, he makes me happy. In person I am dissecting every single part of him. I am going to stick with him though and try to fight through my own insecurities. I know that this is really all about me.

Life is a state of constant confusion. Thats a "duh" statement but sometimes duh statements need to be spelled out to be accepted and understood. Sometimes reading things make them more official, more truthful. That totally stems back to school. I suppose I would rather live in a state of confusion that utter boredom. And that is definitely a statement I needed to read back to myself to believe.

Its already been brougthen...

My pity parties are all just about over.


Things with me have been amazing!

I will be 26 in 15 days and have finally come to terms with me not being not exactly where I had envisioned myself at 26. I have been so upset with "having nothing to show" for my first 25 years that I have completely and totally over looked all that I have accomplished. So what if I am not married with kids and am not a teacher like planned.

I am getting my own apt Oct 1, I have a kick ass job in the corporate world, Im dating a seemingly great guy who has genuine care for me, just lost 15 lbs, and have so much to look forward to. I needed to just get over myself.

awkard

Totally just masturbated at work to the thought of a guy I used to know.

Not sure what caused me to think of him or become sexually aroused by the thought of him.

I got off 3 times to him.

I feel...like I should call and thank him!

speed bumps

One week into (semi) sobriety.

I allowed myself to drink 3 glasses of wine of Friday over the course of several hours. I was not even buzzed but I still managed to have a good time. It was weird waking up on a Saturday morning without the slightest hint of a hangover. I feel good and relieved that the first week is out of the way.

I do not feel better yet but I feel as though I am on the right path right now.

M is wonderful. We have so much in common. It seems like I am meeting new men weekly and letting myself go but M and I spend hours upon hours on end talking, discussing, debating, and listening. Its so strange. Its like within the past 2 weeks or so he has become my "go to" person and I his. We both agree things are moving quickly but that for now the speed is good. We both also agree to let the other know if the speed becomes too much.

Today is good. Today is better than the past few weeks and I am feeling...kinda happy.

RIP

I killed myself on Sunday. I committed suicide. Im glad I did.

Im glad I hit rockfuckingbottom.

I have never felt so ashamed to be me. I made my mom cry and I have no idea what I did or said for several hours. My drinking finally took over and won.

I have spent the past several weeks so drunk that I black out, sleep in my own vomit, and dont remember my actions.

I feel relieved.

I start therapy next week. I need to know why I am the way I am. I need to know why I use drinking to disguise myself. I need to know why I feel the need to drink 5 nights a week to get blasted.

Monday was the first day of the rest of my life.

my heart

Today my daddy woulda been 53 years old. WOW.
That sounds so old compared to the 38 year old man that passed away 15 years ago (next Wednesday).
I miss him. Still not a day has gone by that I do not think of him.
I know he's watching me and taking care of me.

Love you Dad.

nothing

I have never wanted to just quit life as bad as I do today.

Ok that is a lie, but today ranks up there.

I am fucking lonely and miserable.
My job sucks.
My friends blow.
My apt is too hot.
And life if just passing me by.

And I have no one to talk to. I went from having all sorts of friends I could trust and talk to, to like no one. I mean I am still friends with all those people, I am just more jaded now I suppose. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about anything and its making me want to explode.

Im losing it and have nothing or no one to hold on to.

Im actually a little scared right now.

stupid is what stupid does

So I "met" this guy, C. I am not sure what to think of this whole mess. And yes, its already kinda a mess. I met him through the wonderful world of the internet. Its a long story and his "post" wasnt exactly intended for me but we have continued talking none the less. Couple things that are weird about this though, other than the obvious "net" connection.

1) I asked him to call me. Bold move Im sure, but if we are going to possibly meet someday I want to at least know what he sounds like. So instead of calling me...he freakin texts me. I find that unacceptable. I called him out on it and still, no phone call. (Is he married/serious relationship?)

2) Things are always "coming up". Random clients from out of town, extra work, etc. Not sure Im buying this whole thing.

3) "You can call me, but Im really tired" - what he texted to me one night. Only to be followed up shortly with, "Im talking to my son." (It was midnight making it 10pm on the west coast, a little late to be talking to a three year old.)

4) A son?!?! Forgot to mention that.

I like talking to him. He is taking up the spare time that A used to fill. I just think he could be shady, thats all. Not sure what to do in this situation. Dont need to deal with another situation like A. Id like to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like a little naive pushover doing that. Espeically with all the guy drama as of late. At the same time though, I like that I am trusting (to an extent) because it helps me not feel jaded about the world. Hmmm...decisions, decisions.

dont stop til you get enough

Quite possibly one of the greatest random text's I have ever had the distinct pleasure of receiving in my life:

"I want to rip all of your clothes off" - from an insanely drunk friend.

I dont think I have laughed so hard...well...ever from a text message. He could barely see speaka da english when I saw him. To be perfectly honest Im surprised he even remembered seeing me.

Thank you kb, thank you.

Loves it.

Its a long life

I am starting what I feel could quite possibly be a small mental breakdown.

I cant concentrate on anything. Every little thing sets me off. And I am constantly fighting back tears and anger. I get all red and flushed in my face incredibly easily and feel hot all of the time. No, it is not menopause and I am not sick. I am losing my mind.

So much is going on right now and I cant seem to keep it all together, not only that, but I am creating idiotic drama within my head. My brain hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts.

At least Im not hearing voices. Yet.

Double D's

People are starting to piss me off. More specifically, these men in my life who think it is ok to just come and go, are really fucking starting to piss me off.

DO and DE are two men who I have a past with. I dated both men (at seperate times) and both did something shady to make me leave their lives. (DO developed a serious cocaine addiction and DE developed a "taste" for waaaay older women when we were dating...we were even on a date when I saw him kissing this old lady...) About 8 months ago DE contacted me out of the blue. Other than him sticking his tongue in some old ladies mouth in front of my face, he was a good guy. We talked for a while about what happened (2 years ago) and we both moved on from it and were able to start a friendship again. We met out a couple times and had fun.

DO is a little bit of a different story. DO's coke problem lasted a few years. I gave up on him when I was 20. He contacted me, all sorts of fucked up, a few times throughout the years but I wanted nothing to do with him. I ran into him a little over a year ago and as usual he was blasted out of his mind. About 3 months ago he contacted me to tell me how much he missed me and that he is clean now. I believed him. I even went to see him to prove it. Sure enough, he is super clean now and things were great.

The commonality both these men have is that they have contacted me after not being with me for a while to let me know they miss me. I think that is sweet. Both men have also, after seeing me and hanging out with me again, have wanted to try the "relationship" thing again with me. I told them both (DE 5 months ago and DO 2 months ago) that I would like to build trust back up and work on getting to know eachother again before committing to any sort of relationship. Both were totally cool with that and respected that.

Those 2 fuckers, I found out today through friends, have girlfriends.

I am so over these shallow assbags in my life. It is too easy for people to get back into my life and I need to stop forgiving people for treating me like dirt. Since I started typing this DO has called me and DE has imed me. I am so stupid. I am such a god damn fool. These are girlfriends they have had for a while and just never told me about. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I deserve these kinds of people for my "friends'?

So I am sitting here starting to feel sorry for myself. How sad am I? How sad as this week been?

No more D's!!!

Another day, another dollar...or not

So I get a call from my mom today with what I like to call her "mom voice". There is a tone of voice she takes on when something is wrong. In the past couple of years I have grown quite accustomed to this voice. Anyway, she immediately starts up with, "don't get upset". Once she says that the tears automatically come and I get all freaked out. (The last few times she has said this someone has passed away.) So I am all crying when she lets me know that all of the money out of my bank account is gone. What? The? Fuck? Ok I am not wealthy by any means, but money is money and I work hard for my money. Hello, you need money to survive!

So I make her call the bank on 3-way because I am waaaay too upset to talk. It turns out that the fucking liquor store I bought booze from last night forgot to put a fucking decimal point in the transaction and charged me a few thousands dollars. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY NOT CATCH THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN CLOSING OUT? So not only is my account empty now but, it is overdrawn as well and, this is my favorite part, it could take up to 10 business days to get that money put back into my account! I am so upset right now. I am so sick of being shit on these past few weeks.

Luckily for me, I have a seperate savings account with another bank and have money in there, but the point is, that if my mom hadnt been looking at her account and noticed the overdraw on mine, I would have never noticed and continued on my merry way using my debit card to buy stuff. I really hope this doesnt fuck up my credit.

AHHHHH! Whoa is me, for real.

My boyfriends back...and he wont leave me alone

Dear Diarhea,

I am trying soo hard to keep my cool and be nice, and sweet, and patient but Drew is pushing the limits. We broke up almost exactly 2 years ago and he had the nerve to call me today and ask me out on a date. I realize that he is not over me and for the past 2 years I have been very tolerant of him and his bullshit. As of late though, he is really starting to annoy the fucking hell out of me. He has called me three times today and all three times I have told him that I do not mind being friends and talking once in a great while but that we will never date again. He thinks that if he plays nice with me for a little while that I am going to just fall back in love with him.

The truth is; I question if I was ever really in love with him in the first place. He was a nice boyfriend for a little while, things got sucky, we broke up. We didnt really play the break-up/get back together games. I just kinda stood my ground and let it end. Of course I still care for him, but that is strictly in a friends only way. I have not touched him in forever, nor have I ever led him to believe that I was coming around and going to change my mind about being with him. He is really testing my patience.

This is the same guy who pranced around naked with his belly just hanging out and his wiener just flapping around in the wind.

This is the same guy who basked in the glory of his high school days because in his hometown of 600, as well as his mind, he was a living legend.

This is the same guy who literally had skid marks in his jeans and basketball shorts because as a full grown man, cant wipe his ass thoroughly.

This is the same guy who called me fat as well as annoying in front of my whole family at a wedding because I wasnt paying enough attention to him.

I cant get over these things and nor do I really want to. He is not the man for me. We started dating when I was 22...I have a whole different perspective on life now let alone completely different standards and taste in men. What I thought was so great then is not so great at 25 (almost 26).

I would rather be sad and lonely than be miserable and lonely. I would be miserable and lonely with him again and I am not willing to go there.

achy breaky heart

I have not felt well in days. Fucking allergies. My eyes are so swollen today that my co-worker actually asked me if I was high. Nope, I haven't gotten high in years, maybe that is my problem. So I haven't felt well and I am lonely which is creating a lethal combination in my world. I am officially the biggest bitch ever as of this weekend. I didn't do anything over-the-top bitchy, I just gave everyone unnecessary attitude.

I need to stop whining and crying about being lonely. I have no reason to be. I know I choose to be and that is my problem, no one else's. I am in love with being in love. I am finally admitting that I miss that and I am having, and have been having, a hard time coming to terms with that. For so long I have been good being single and just having fun. And now with all my friends having someone I feel like a schmuck. I spent the past 2 months being all into A and actually letting myself care for someone and get butterflies when I saw him calling that I let myself feel again which I totally shouldnt have, not now.

I cant concentrate on work. I cant even concentrate when I go out. I focus on couple-y things and couple-y people. I let my mind wander and go though the "what-ifs" and "should-haves". Im making myself completely miserable. I am self-inflicating pain regularly by constantly looking at A's myspace page. (Someone left some gross message about being 2for2 with the ladies this weekend.) I cry when I read shit like that. I cry because if I was there or he was here we would be together. I cry because I miss him and hate him at the same time.

I cry because Im hurting. Thats really why I cry.

OMG, I am turning into a bad country song. Pretty soon I will have no friends except a bottle of whiskey and a pack of smokes. I need to be saved; I need save myself soon.

booze hound = me

So drunk right now. Typed fisty610 like 18 times before I got it right to log in. Ridic. OTR (on the real).

Went out with bff M tonight. We are so lame. We played trivial pursuit, kinda, we made it a drinking version of just asking the whole card and however many you got wrong is how many drinks you had to take. Good times. Then we went to the local bar and played nudie photo hunt for a while, the broads version...g-d forbid he ever played the dudes version (although that totally grosses me out...those men are super foreign and super gross). We hold the 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9 spots...HOLLA!

So bored right now. I used to have booty calls. AP and I played dirty texts for a while last night but his bark is bigger than his bite and I fell asleep alone. Whats a girl gotta do to get some ass theswe days??? (I will not beg...too cute for that.) I asked him to come over but he was going to the Cubs game today and had to wake up early. WTF!?!?! I get that is was already 3am but that is pure bullshit. I told him he could no longer be my booty call because he sucked. He agreed that he sucked and still texted metonight. I did not return the love.

Blahblahbleh...another boring day. At least my fake tan is starting to look fly. Word.

Rad.

This took crazy long to type. Ill wake up in the morning and just laugh at my drunk ass.

In the words of Neil Diamond and his fans everywhere, Neil, "so good." Fans: "so good. so good. so good."

S-Zilla!

Just got off the phone with M, her and I will be on the prowl tonight for sure. We are both just having "one of those weeks" and are definitely in for a night of lots of booze, dancing, and boys. I dont even mind playing back-up to M, she is just a totally rad broad who knows how to have a good time, even if she has to create the good time herself. She is totally carefree, like me, when she is out, and her and I just have too much fun being ridiculous.

"Nights we dont remember with friends we never forget" is pretty much our mantra. We get drunk enough to do the sloppy girl walk and laugh about it down the street til we realize we havent even attempted to hail a cab. Once in the cab we slur about the night and who we will text to come over! I dont really text anyone to come over (usually), she does though, and she has plenty to choose from. I always have AP as my back-up, but I think we have built everything up too much to actually let it happen. We always, "just miss eachother" when we are out and cant seem to meet up. We have kinda hyped it up to the point that if either one of us doesnt cum at least 3 times that the whole operation would just be a failure.

I realize that I play second fiddle to M, but that doesnt mean Im a complete troll! Im just not as outgoing as her...or maybe Im too outgoing/willing to be outgoing...on second thought, I am definitely not as outgoing as her ;) . I guess its my time for a drought. I had like 8 guys to choose from over the past 2 months and have just kinda dwindled them all away. Im not looking for just random hook-ups anymore. They have proved themself to be to easy and effortless. Its the getting to know me that is tough. Ill figure it all out one day. But today is not the day to figure it out nor is the day to get all "relationship-minded" on my ass!

Its a beautiful day out and I have summer on the brain reminding me that for the next 4 or so months, its damn good to be a single chic out and about terrorizing Chicago.

do you ever feel like you want to see through another pair of eyes?

I need a break.

I haven't been myself lately at all. In fact, I have been the opposite of me. Yes, I am usually pretty cynical and sarcastic, but I am, for the most part, in a good mood and happy. Yesterday I found myself crying the whole train ride home for no real reason. I am tired all the time too which is not helping me be a happy person. I have had no desire to return any phone calls for the past 2 weeks and really have had no desire to do much more than sleep and eat.

If I could take a break from life, I would. But if I did that, I think that would mean I was dead.

Loneliness is really starting to get me down. I have fought it off for so long, I guess its about time it caught up with me. I hate that I have no one right now and it is starting to consume my every day. Its making me feel worthless. ewwww @ me for being pathetic and lame.

Eh, this too shall pass..right?

lovin would be easy if your colors were like my dreams...

My mom dressed me up as Boy George for Halloween one year. She put all sorts of weirdo eye shadow on me, dressed me in some sloppy suit attire with a tie, and bought a black, plastic, shiney hat and glued various colored yarn in the brim. Is this enough to blame my mom for all the wrong in my life? It's not I know. I just hate taking the blame all the time.

A and I are officially done. I'm really sad. But was really good about not texting, emailing or calling him during my Wed-Fri drinking binges. I miss him though. I really miss him when I am at work though for my afternoon...sessions. Eh. Its fine, gimme one more week and I will forget his gorgeous acne-stained face. (Really, why do I love that??? That is a whole other can of worms...)

I replaced my texting obsession with Jonathan. (Z bores me too much. He is all into law school and staying home frosting his tips.) Jonathan is a fucking meathead and I love it; he is so easy to mess with. He is so Johnny Clubguy circa 1999. This idiot calls me on Sunday morning at 9am (who the fuck calls a broad they just met a couple days before at 9am on a Sunday?!?!) rolling his balls off. I am 25 years old; 2000 called, they want their drug, hairstyle, mentality, and glow sticks back. Who knew people still actually felt the effectasy??!! Not this lady. Does that make me old? I think it makes me mature. ;)

How do I manage to have no decent prospects right now? Not to mention the fact that the guys I have been meeting lately just get suckier (frosted tips) and suckier (Club dork). Ill take the blame and hold on to the hope that summer will bring me a tan, a better attitude, and some decent guys.

I really wish I could blame the Boy George costume on this one.

I already ran through the alphabet.

Quitting A has not been easy. I have tried three time to quit him; all failures. I quit him again last night. Lets hope I dont fall off the wagon again. (As I pick up my phone to see if I have any text messages.) I think its so hard for me because there isnt really one isolated incident of him doing something "wrong" or "bad". He just isn't around and doesn't call or text as much I would like.

Of course quitting A is vital now because, ironically enough, I am trying to replace him with Z. Z is here, in this very same state, great looking, insanely sarcastic, intense voice, kinda the midwest version of A, without the acne scars :(. I do not think Z is going to be easily obtainable however. We shared our first lengthy phone conversation last night, and it is now official that I really shouldnt answer the phone when Im tipsy. I made such a fool outta myself. I blabbered and made no sense, which is not too different than my everyday speech, except that I also had this incredibly annoying wine slur. I emailed Z this morning to apologize for my stupidity last night and of course I have received no email back. Prior to last night the emails were replied to within 30 minutes...its been 4 hours. I know he doesn't have school or work today so I am feeling a little hurt.

I think I am just looking too hard and therefore trying to hard which is making me appear to be a desperate turd. Whether I really am or not is questionable (and I am not really looking for an answer to that either). Its just that I am really into this guy (I call him one guy because they are pretty similar). Its been so long since I have actually really been interested in someone that to find two and fuck up both is just beyond me. Lets hope Z's computer isnt working and that is the reason for the lack of response.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, make it stop.