happy trails?

D. Wow.

D is greatest guy I have ever let get away. I think that I actually chased him away. He came into my life at a point that I was not willing to accept a man let alone myself. He came around a few months after Drew and I broke up and I was in a dark, skanky place. I didn't think I deserved someone as good as him nor could I believe that someone like him could like and care for someone like me.

I knew I was making a huge mistake, even while I was making it but...well there was just a but at that time. I have never been quite able to get him out of my mind. That partially stems from the fact that he contacts me every month or so just to say hi and check in and see how I am doing.

So last night we have a huge talk. It makes no sense that we had this talk now because we are both in relationships and seemingly happy. A lot was put out on the table. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, reasons...everything. He is such an incredible man and I sit here feeling guilty for not only letting him get away but for letting my feelings for him consume me today. He is leaving for the air force soon and wants to see me. That scares me. He scares me. My feelings for him scare me.

I told him I wasnt sure I could see him...

dazed and confused

Some might call me a fuck-up; others may call me brave. Whatever the case is or whatever people think holds no bearing on the decisions I have been making as of late.

Quit my job. I had finally fucking had it. Life is too short to be treated like garbage. I picked pride over money and shame. I am obviously not cut out for the corporate world of bullshit. Everyone is freaking out over my decision and is compelled to offer me their opinions and advice on what I should do and how I should do it. It's amazing how people care what you are doing when you arent doing it anymore.

So for the past week I have been on my couch watching Maury and searching for a low paying jobs that will make me happier. I will let you know when I figure that out. Happiness is such a nice word but such a confusing emotion.

With that being said, lets discuss Gary. Oye Vey. I throw men away and I try to not look back. I decided that with Gary things would be different. I would take all the little things that annoy me about him and work on them. This is killing me. I have never denied the fact that I am shallow; I definitely am to some degree, but the things that I am working to look past are overwhelming me. I am working on taking one thing at a time, but if progress isnt made soon I am afraid I will throw him away like the rest.

I actually give a shit about him too. I know I need to get over myself, but I need to be the one to wake up to that every day and be, here is that shitty word/emotion again, happy. On the phone, he makes me happy. In person I am dissecting every single part of him. I am going to stick with him though and try to fight through my own insecurities. I know that this is really all about me.

Life is a state of constant confusion. Thats a "duh" statement but sometimes duh statements need to be spelled out to be accepted and understood. Sometimes reading things make them more official, more truthful. That totally stems back to school. I suppose I would rather live in a state of confusion that utter boredom. And that is definitely a statement I needed to read back to myself to believe.

Its already been brougthen...

My pity parties are all just about over.


Things with me have been amazing!

I will be 26 in 15 days and have finally come to terms with me not being not exactly where I had envisioned myself at 26. I have been so upset with "having nothing to show" for my first 25 years that I have completely and totally over looked all that I have accomplished. So what if I am not married with kids and am not a teacher like planned.

I am getting my own apt Oct 1, I have a kick ass job in the corporate world, Im dating a seemingly great guy who has genuine care for me, just lost 15 lbs, and have so much to look forward to. I needed to just get over myself.

awkard

Totally just masturbated at work to the thought of a guy I used to know.

Not sure what caused me to think of him or become sexually aroused by the thought of him.

I got off 3 times to him.

I feel...like I should call and thank him!

speed bumps

One week into (semi) sobriety.

I allowed myself to drink 3 glasses of wine of Friday over the course of several hours. I was not even buzzed but I still managed to have a good time. It was weird waking up on a Saturday morning without the slightest hint of a hangover. I feel good and relieved that the first week is out of the way.

I do not feel better yet but I feel as though I am on the right path right now.

M is wonderful. We have so much in common. It seems like I am meeting new men weekly and letting myself go but M and I spend hours upon hours on end talking, discussing, debating, and listening. Its so strange. Its like within the past 2 weeks or so he has become my "go to" person and I his. We both agree things are moving quickly but that for now the speed is good. We both also agree to let the other know if the speed becomes too much.

Today is good. Today is better than the past few weeks and I am feeling...kinda happy.

RIP

I killed myself on Sunday. I committed suicide. Im glad I did.

Im glad I hit rockfuckingbottom.

I have never felt so ashamed to be me. I made my mom cry and I have no idea what I did or said for several hours. My drinking finally took over and won.

I have spent the past several weeks so drunk that I black out, sleep in my own vomit, and dont remember my actions.

I feel relieved.

I start therapy next week. I need to know why I am the way I am. I need to know why I use drinking to disguise myself. I need to know why I feel the need to drink 5 nights a week to get blasted.

Monday was the first day of the rest of my life.

my heart

Today my daddy woulda been 53 years old. WOW.
That sounds so old compared to the 38 year old man that passed away 15 years ago (next Wednesday).
I miss him. Still not a day has gone by that I do not think of him.
I know he's watching me and taking care of me.

Love you Dad.