Who really gives a shit?

happy trails?

2007-09-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

D. Wow.

D is greatest guy I have ever let get away. I think that I actually chased him away. He came into my life at a point that I was not willing to accept a man let alone myself. He came around a few months after Drew and I broke up and I was in a dark, skanky place. I didn't think I deserved someone as good as him nor could I believe that someone like him could like and care for someone like me.

I knew I was making a huge mistake, even while I was making it but...well there was just a but at that time. I have never been quite able to get him out of my mind. That partially stems from the fact that he contacts me every month or so just to say hi and check in and see how I am doing.

So last night we have a huge talk. It makes no sense that we had this talk now because we are both in relationships and seemingly happy. A lot was put out on the table. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, reasons...everything. He is such an incredible man and I sit here feeling guilty for not only letting him get away but for letting my feelings for him consume me today. He is leaving for the air force soon and wants to see me. That scares me. He scares me. My feelings for him scare me.

I told him I wasnt sure I could see him...

dazed and confused

2007-09-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

Some might call me a fuck-up; others may call me brave. Whatever the case is or whatever people think holds no bearing on the decisions I have been making as of late.

Quit my job. I had finally fucking had it. Life is too short to be treated like garbage. I picked pride over money and shame. I am obviously not cut out for the corporate world of bullshit. Everyone is freaking out over my decision and is compelled to offer me their opinions and advice on what I should do and how I should do it. It's amazing how people care what you are doing when you arent doing it anymore.

So for the past week I have been on my couch watching Maury and searching for a low paying jobs that will make me happier. I will let you know when I figure that out. Happiness is such a nice word but such a confusing emotion.

With that being said, lets discuss Gary. Oye Vey. I throw men away and I try to not look back. I decided that with Gary things would be different. I would take all the little things that annoy me about him and work on them. This is killing me. I have never denied the fact that I am shallow; I definitely am to some degree, but the things that I am working to look past are overwhelming me. I am working on taking one thing at a time, but if progress isnt made soon I am afraid I will throw him away like the rest.

I actually give a shit about him too. I know I need to get over myself, but I need to be the one to wake up to that every day and be, here is that shitty word/emotion again, happy. On the phone, he makes me happy. In person I am dissecting every single part of him. I am going to stick with him though and try to fight through my own insecurities. I know that this is really all about me.

Life is a state of constant confusion. Thats a "duh" statement but sometimes duh statements need to be spelled out to be accepted and understood. Sometimes reading things make them more official, more truthful. That totally stems back to school. I suppose I would rather live in a state of confusion that utter boredom. And that is definitely a statement I needed to read back to myself to believe.

Its already been brougthen...

2007-07-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

My pity parties are all just about over.

Things with me have been amazing!

I will be 26 in 15 days and have finally come to terms with me not being not exactly where I had envisioned myself at 26. I have been so upset with "having nothing to show" for my first 25 years that I have completely and totally over looked all that I have accomplished. So what if I am not married with kids and am not a teacher like planned.

I am getting my own apt Oct 1, I have a kick ass job in the corporate world, Im dating a seemingly great guy who has genuine care for me, just lost 15 lbs, and have so much to look forward to. I needed to just get over myself.

awkard

2007-07-03T13:03:00.001-07:00

Totally just masturbated at work to the thought of a guy I used to know.

Not sure what caused me to think of him or become sexually aroused by the thought of him.

I got off 3 times to him.

I feel...like I should call and thank him!

speed bumps

2007-05-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

One week into (semi) sobriety.

I allowed myself to drink 3 glasses of wine of Friday over the course of several hours. I was not even buzzed but I still managed to have a good time. It was weird waking up on a Saturday morning without the slightest hint of a hangover. I feel good and relieved that the first week is out of the way.

I do not feel better yet but I feel as though I am on the right path right now.

M is wonderful. We have so much in common. It seems like I am meeting new men weekly and letting myself go but M and I spend hours upon hours on end talking, discussing, debating, and listening. Its so strange. Its like within the past 2 weeks or so he has become my "go to" person and I his. We both agree things are moving quickly but that for now the speed is good. We both also agree to let the other know if the speed becomes too much.

Today is good. Today is better than the past few weeks and I am feeling...kinda happy.

RIP

2007-05-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

I killed myself on Sunday. I committed suicide. Im glad I did.

Im glad I hit rockfuckingbottom.

I have never felt so ashamed to be me. I made my mom cry and I have no idea what I did or said for several hours. My drinking finally took over and won.

I have spent the past several weeks so drunk that I black out, sleep in my own vomit, and dont remember my actions.

I feel relieved.

I start therapy next week. I need to know why I am the way I am. I need to know why I use drinking to disguise myself. I need to know why I feel the need to drink 5 nights a week to get blasted.

Monday was the first day of the rest of my life.

my heart

2007-05-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

Today my daddy woulda been 53 years old. WOW.
That sounds so old compared to the 38 year old man that passed away 15 years ago (next Wednesday).
I miss him. Still not a day has gone by that I do not think of him.
I know he's watching me and taking care of me.

Love you Dad.

nothing

2007-05-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have never wanted to just quit life as bad as I do today.

Ok that is a lie, but today ranks up there.

I am fucking lonely and miserable.
My job sucks.
My friends blow.
My apt is too hot.
And life if just passing me by.

And I have no one to talk to. I went from having all sorts of friends I could trust and talk to, to like no one. I mean I am still friends with all those people, I am just more jaded now I suppose. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about anything and its making me want to explode.

Im losing it and have nothing or no one to hold on to.

Im actually a little scared right now.

stupid is what stupid does

2007-05-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

So I "met" this guy, C. I am not sure what to think of this whole mess. And yes, its already kinda a mess. I met him through the wonderful world of the internet. Its a long story and his "post" wasnt exactly intended for me but we have continued talking none the less. Couple things that are weird about this though, other than the obvious "net" connection.

1) I asked him to call me. Bold move Im sure, but if we are going to possibly meet someday I want to at least know what he sounds like. So instead of calling me...he freakin texts me. I find that unacceptable. I called him out on it and still, no phone call. (Is he married/serious relationship?)

2) Things are always "coming up". Random clients from out of town, extra work, etc. Not sure Im buying this whole thing.

3) "You can call me, but Im really tired" - what he texted to me one night. Only to be followed up shortly with, "Im talking to my son." (It was midnight making it 10pm on the west coast, a little late to be talking to a three year old.)

4) A son?!?! Forgot to mention that.

I like talking to him. He is taking up the spare time that A used to fill. I just think he could be shady, thats all. Not sure what to do in this situation. Dont need to deal with another situation like A. Id like to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like a little naive pushover doing that. Espeically with all the guy drama as of late. At the same time though, I like that I am trusting (to an extent) because it helps me not feel jaded about the world. Hmmm...decisions, decisions.

dont stop til you get enough

2007-05-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly one of the greatest random text's I have ever had the distinct pleasure of receiving in my life:

"I want to rip all of your clothes off" - from an insanely drunk friend.

I dont think I have laughed so hard...well...ever from a text message. He could barely see speaka da english when I saw him. To be perfectly honest Im surprised he even remembered seeing me.

Thank you kb, thank you.

Loves it.

Its a long life

2007-05-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

I am starting what I feel could quite possibly be a small mental breakdown.

I cant concentrate on anything. Every little thing sets me off. And I am constantly fighting back tears and anger. I get all red and flushed in my face incredibly easily and feel hot all of the time. No, it is not menopause and I am not sick. I am losing my mind.

So much is going on right now and I cant seem to keep it all together, not only that, but I am creating idiotic drama within my head. My brain hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts.

At least Im not hearing voices. Yet.

Double D's

2007-04-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

People are starting to piss me off. More specifically, these men in my life who think it is ok to just come and go, are really fucking starting to piss me off.

DO and DE are two men who I have a past with. I dated both men (at seperate times) and both did something shady to make me leave their lives. (DO developed a serious cocaine addiction and DE developed a "taste" for waaaay older women when we were dating...we were even on a date when I saw him kissing this old lady...) About 8 months ago DE contacted me out of the blue. Other than him sticking his tongue in some old ladies mouth in front of my face, he was a good guy. We talked for a while about what happened (2 years ago) and we both moved on from it and were able to start a friendship again. We met out a couple times and had fun.

DO is a little bit of a different story. DO's coke problem lasted a few years. I gave up on him when I was 20. He contacted me, all sorts of fucked up, a few times throughout the years but I wanted nothing to do with him. I ran into him a little over a year ago and as usual he was blasted out of his mind. About 3 months ago he contacted me to tell me how much he missed me and that he is clean now. I believed him. I even went to see him to prove it. Sure enough, he is super clean now and things were great.

The commonality both these men have is that they have contacted me after not being with me for a while to let me know they miss me. I think that is sweet. Both men have also, after seeing me and hanging out with me again, have wanted to try the "relationship" thing again with me. I told them both (DE 5 months ago and DO 2 months ago) that I would like to build trust back up and work on getting to know eachother again before committing to any sort of relationship. Both were totally cool with that and respected that.

Those 2 fuckers, I found out today through friends, have girlfriends.

I am so over these shallow assbags in my life. It is too easy for people to get back into my life and I need to stop forgiving people for treating me like dirt. Since I started typing this DO has called me and DE has imed me. I am so stupid. I am such a god damn fool. These are girlfriends they have had for a while and just never told me about. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I deserve these kinds of people for my "friends'?

So I am sitting here starting to feel sorry for myself. How sad am I? How sad as this week been?

No more D's!!!

Another day, another dollar...or not

2007-04-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

So I get a call from my mom today with what I like to call her "mom voice". There is a tone of voice she takes on when something is wrong. In the past couple of years I have grown quite accustomed to this voice. Anyway, she immediately starts up with, "don't get upset". Once she says that the tears automatically come and I get all freaked out. (The last few times she has said this someone has passed away.) So I am all crying when she lets me know that all of the money out of my bank account is gone. What? The? Fuck? Ok I am not wealthy by any means, but money is money and I work hard for my money. Hello, you need money to survive!

So I make her call the bank on 3-way because I am waaaay too upset to talk. It turns out that the fucking liquor store I bought booze from last night forgot to put a fucking decimal point in the transaction and charged me a few thousands dollars. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY NOT CATCH THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN CLOSING OUT? So not only is my account empty now but, it is overdrawn as well and, this is my favorite part, it could take up to 10 business days to get that money put back into my account! I am so upset right now. I am so sick of being shit on these past few weeks.

Luckily for me, I have a seperate savings account with another bank and have money in there, but the point is, that if my mom hadnt been looking at her account and noticed the overdraw on mine, I would have never noticed and continued on my merry way using my debit card to buy stuff. I really hope this doesnt fuck up my credit.

AHHHHH! Whoa is me, for real.

My boyfriends back...and he wont leave me alone

2007-04-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diarhea,

I am trying soo hard to keep my cool and be nice, and sweet, and patient but Drew is pushing the limits. We broke up almost exactly 2 years ago and he had the nerve to call me today and ask me out on a date. I realize that he is not over me and for the past 2 years I have been very tolerant of him and his bullshit. As of late though, he is really starting to annoy the fucking hell out of me. He has called me three times today and all three times I have told him that I do not mind being friends and talking once in a great while but that we will never date again. He thinks that if he plays nice with me for a little while that I am going to just fall back in love with him.

The truth is; I question if I was ever really in love with him in the first place. He was a nice boyfriend for a little while, things got sucky, we broke up. We didnt really play the break-up/get back together games. I just kinda stood my ground and let it end. Of course I still care for him, but that is strictly in a friends only way. I have not touched him in forever, nor have I ever led him to believe that I was coming around and going to change my mind about being with him. He is really testing my patience.

This is the same guy who pranced around naked with his belly just hanging out and his wiener just flapping around in the wind.

This is the same guy who basked in the glory of his high school days because in his hometown of 600, as well as his mind, he was a living legend.

This is the same guy who literally had skid marks in his jeans and basketball shorts because as a full grown man, cant wipe his ass thoroughly.

This is the same guy who called me fat as well as annoying in front of my whole family at a wedding because I wasnt paying enough attention to him.

I cant get over these things and nor do I really want to. He is not the man for me. We started dating when I was 22...I have a whole different perspective on life now let alone completely different standards and taste in men. What I thought was so great then is not so great at 25 (almost 26).

I would rather be sad and lonely than be miserable and lonely. I would be miserable and lonely with him again and I am not willing to go there.

achy breaky heart

2007-04-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have not felt well in days. Fucking allergies. My eyes are so swollen today that my co-worker actually asked me if I was high. Nope, I haven't gotten high in years, maybe that is my problem. So I haven't felt well and I am lonely which is creating a lethal combination in my world. I am officially the biggest bitch ever as of this weekend. I didn't do anything over-the-top bitchy, I just gave everyone unnecessary attitude.

I need to stop whining and crying about being lonely. I have no reason to be. I know I choose to be and that is my problem, no one else's. I am in love with being in love. I am finally admitting that I miss that and I am having, and have been having, a hard time coming to terms with that. For so long I have been good being single and just having fun. And now with all my friends having someone I feel like a schmuck. I spent the past 2 months being all into A and actually letting myself care for someone and get butterflies when I saw him calling that I let myself feel again which I totally shouldnt have, not now.

I cant concentrate on work. I cant even concentrate when I go out. I focus on couple-y things and couple-y people. I let my mind wander and go though the "what-ifs" and "should-haves". Im making myself completely miserable. I am self-inflicating pain regularly by constantly looking at A's myspace page. (Someone left some gross message about being 2for2 with the ladies this weekend.) I cry when I read shit like that. I cry because if I was there or he was here we would be together. I cry because I miss him and hate him at the same time.

I cry because Im hurting. Thats really why I cry.

OMG, I am turning into a bad country song. Pretty soon I will have no friends except a bottle of whiskey and a pack of smokes. I need to be saved; I need save myself soon.

booze hound = me

2007-04-21T23:56:00.000-07:00

So drunk right now. Typed fisty610 like 18 times before I got it right to log in. Ridic. OTR (on the real).

Went out with bff M tonight. We are so lame. We played trivial pursuit, kinda, we made it a drinking version of just asking the whole card and however many you got wrong is how many drinks you had to take. Good times. Then we went to the local bar and played nudie photo hunt for a while, the broads version...g-d forbid he ever played the dudes version (although that totally grosses me out...those men are super foreign and super gross). We hold the 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9 spots...HOLLA!

So bored right now. I used to have booty calls. AP and I played dirty texts for a while last night but his bark is bigger than his bite and I fell asleep alone. Whats a girl gotta do to get some ass theswe days??? (I will not beg...too cute for that.) I asked him to come over but he was going to the Cubs game today and had to wake up early. WTF!?!?! I get that is was already 3am but that is pure bullshit. I told him he could no longer be my booty call because he sucked. He agreed that he sucked and still texted metonight. I did not return the love.

Blahblahbleh...another boring day. At least my fake tan is starting to look fly. Word.

Rad.

This took crazy long to type. Ill wake up in the morning and just laugh at my drunk ass.

In the words of Neil Diamond and his fans everywhere, Neil, "so good." Fans: "so good. so good. so good."

S-Zilla!

2007-04-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

Just got off the phone with M, her and I will be on the prowl tonight for sure. We are both just having "one of those weeks" and are definitely in for a night of lots of booze, dancing, and boys. I dont even mind playing back-up to M, she is just a totally rad broad who knows how to have a good time, even if she has to create the good time herself. She is totally carefree, like me, when she is out, and her and I just have too much fun being ridiculous.

"Nights we dont remember with friends we never forget" is pretty much our mantra. We get drunk enough to do the sloppy girl walk and laugh about it down the street til we realize we havent even attempted to hail a cab. Once in the cab we slur about the night and who we will text to come over! I dont really text anyone to come over (usually), she does though, and she has plenty to choose from. I always have AP as my back-up, but I think we have built everything up too much to actually let it happen. We always, "just miss eachother" when we are out and cant seem to meet up. We have kinda hyped it up to the point that if either one of us doesnt cum at least 3 times that the whole operation would just be a failure.

I realize that I play second fiddle to M, but that doesnt mean Im a complete troll! Im just not as outgoing as her...or maybe Im too outgoing/willing to be outgoing...on second thought, I am definitely not as outgoing as her ;) . I guess its my time for a drought. I had like 8 guys to choose from over the past 2 months and have just kinda dwindled them all away. Im not looking for just random hook-ups anymore. They have proved themself to be to easy and effortless. Its the getting to know me that is tough. Ill figure it all out one day. But today is not the day to figure it out nor is the day to get all "relationship-minded" on my ass!

Its a beautiful day out and I have summer on the brain reminding me that for the next 4 or so months, its damn good to be a single chic out and about terrorizing Chicago.

do you ever feel like you want to see through another pair of eyes?

2007-04-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

I need a break.

I haven't been myself lately at all. In fact, I have been the opposite of me. Yes, I am usually pretty cynical and sarcastic, but I am, for the most part, in a good mood and happy. Yesterday I found myself crying the whole train ride home for no real reason. I am tired all the time too which is not helping me be a happy person. I have had no desire to return any phone calls for the past 2 weeks and really have had no desire to do much more than sleep and eat.

If I could take a break from life, I would. But if I did that, I think that would mean I was dead.

Loneliness is really starting to get me down. I have fought it off for so long, I guess its about time it caught up with me. I hate that I have no one right now and it is starting to consume my every day. Its making me feel worthless. ewwww @ me for being pathetic and lame.

Eh, this too shall pass..right?

lovin would be easy if your colors were like my dreams...

2007-04-16T09:27:00.001-07:00

My mom dressed me up as Boy George for Halloween one year. She put all sorts of weirdo eye shadow on me, dressed me in some sloppy suit attire with a tie, and bought a black, plastic, shiney hat and glued various colored yarn in the brim. Is this enough to blame my mom for all the wrong in my life? It's not I know. I just hate taking the blame all the time.

A and I are officially done. I'm really sad. But was really good about not texting, emailing or calling him during my Wed-Fri drinking binges. I miss him though. I really miss him when I am at work though for my afternoon...sessions. Eh. Its fine, gimme one more week and I will forget his gorgeous acne-stained face. (Really, why do I love that??? That is a whole other can of worms...)

I replaced my texting obsession with Jonathan. (Z bores me too much. He is all into law school and staying home frosting his tips.) Jonathan is a fucking meathead and I love it; he is so easy to mess with. He is so Johnny Clubguy circa 1999. This idiot calls me on Sunday morning at 9am (who the fuck calls a broad they just met a couple days before at 9am on a Sunday?!?!) rolling his balls off. I am 25 years old; 2000 called, they want their drug, hairstyle, mentality, and glow sticks back. Who knew people still actually felt the effectasy??!! Not this lady. Does that make me old? I think it makes me mature. ;)

How do I manage to have no decent prospects right now? Not to mention the fact that the guys I have been meeting lately just get suckier (frosted tips) and suckier (Club dork). Ill take the blame and hold on to the hope that summer will bring me a tan, a better attitude, and some decent guys.

I really wish I could blame the Boy George costume on this one.

I already ran through the alphabet.

2007-04-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Quitting A has not been easy. I have tried three time to quit him; all failures. I quit him again last night. Lets hope I dont fall off the wagon again. (As I pick up my phone to see if I have any text messages.) I think its so hard for me because there isnt really one isolated incident of him doing something "wrong" or "bad". He just isn't around and doesn't call or text as much I would like.

Of course quitting A is vital now because, ironically enough, I am trying to replace him with Z. Z is here, in this very same state, great looking, insanely sarcastic, intense voice, kinda the midwest version of A, without the acne scars :(. I do not think Z is going to be easily obtainable however. We shared our first lengthy phone conversation last night, and it is now official that I really shouldnt answer the phone when Im tipsy. I made such a fool outta myself. I blabbered and made no sense, which is not too different than my everyday speech, except that I also had this incredibly annoying wine slur. I emailed Z this morning to apologize for my stupidity last night and of course I have received no email back. Prior to last night the emails were replied to within 30 minutes...its been 4 hours. I know he doesn't have school or work today so I am feeling a little hurt.

I think I am just looking too hard and therefore trying to hard which is making me appear to be a desperate turd. Whether I really am or not is questionable (and I am not really looking for an answer to that either). Its just that I am really into this guy (I call him one guy because they are pretty similar). Its been so long since I have actually really been interested in someone that to find two and fuck up both is just beyond me. Lets hope Z's computer isnt working and that is the reason for the lack of response.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, make it stop.

Riding that train, high on...

2007-04-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have made some observations lately of the El Train. Seeing as though I am still fairly new to the Chicago public transportation systems I am still in a little bit of shock and awe of certain behaviors that take place on the El.

I recently received my first face humping. I cannot begin to explain how delightful that truly was. I sat innocently in my seat that faces that aisle and a man of some foreign decent (I could tell by the ungodly amount of hair he had on his arms and knuckles) decided it was ok to hump the air in my breathing space as he stood in front of me on the crowded train reading his paper. The first couple pumps I thought were him just trying to get adjusted. But after about 30 seconds or so of doing this I realized this man was intentionally putting his penis as close to my face as humanly possible without actually touching my face. I didn't have many 0ptions in this situation. I could have given up my seat and stood for the next 40 minutes or I could just sit there and take the humps. I did what any exhausted woman would do; I took my licks. Luckily the woman next to me noticed this disturbing behavior (after about 4 minutes) and whispered to me that I could lean into her a bit which was actually helpful. Instead of thrusting his wiener into the center of my face his thrusts were thrown off and were really only in ear territory. I am not sure what this man got out of this, but all it did was make me sick.

I also frequently experience what I commonly refer to as "sweaty leg". At least once a week a person sits next to me and not only uses up all of their personal space but feels the need to invade mine as well. This leaves me with no room for my arms or legs. My arms can be taken care of. I just cross them over my body. But my legs, well, I cant sit with them crossed for 50 minutes comfortably. So, I just have to take it like a man and deal with getting "sweaty legged". This is when mine and another (usually an obese) person's leg touches for such a long period of time that the friction and body heat create outer thigh moisture causing my pants to stick to the outside of my thigh. It is completely and utterly gross. I hate getting "sweaty-legged". I can't help but think that some of the reason my leg is wet is due to their leg leaking sweat onto mine. I am sure this isn't true or correct but the thought is still there every time this happens.

Bag ladies (and the occasional man) are less than fun and actually manage to sometimes ruin my days. The reason for this is because they are taking up 3 pieces of prime realty usually. These hookers are not only sitting their happy ass on a seat but have their purse and a bag on the seat next to them as well as several bags at their feet. This in turn takes up 3 spots; one for their happy ass, one for the purse and bag, and finally one for the spot in front of them where someone could comfortably stand but instead have to come over by me and air hump my face....I digress. I hate these whores. First off, your bag is not more important than, oh I dont know, a fucking human being. Move your shit when you see me. My feet hurt and unlike you I am tired from a day full of working and myspacing...not shopping. I feel no pity for you and your purchases deserve to be trampled on.

The loud talkers also rank up there with people who can single-handedly ruin my day. It is silent. People are relaxing by listening to their music, reading, sleeping, or playing on their cell phone. No one is talking. Then you hear a phone ring. Instead of ignoring the call some fucking schmuck answers it. And, to make matters worse, not only do they answer it, but they also happen to the be the only person on the whole train who is deaf and therefore needs to speak as loudly as they possibly can. Seriously? Whothefuck do you think you are? People are trying to wind down and all your loud annoying talking is pissing off every single person around you. The sleepers are awake, those reading can no longer concentrate, and the person next to you is wincing due to pure embarrassment for your stupid ass. They are giving everyone the , "I just sat down next to this person, I don't actually know them look". There is an unwritten rule of silence on the El on the rush hour ride home from work and these people (usually women) piss everyone off.

Oh the El, how I love thee.

Wheaties.

2007-04-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

My parents, like Dorothy Mantooth, were saints. Ok, not really, but they were good people. Me, being their oldest child and only girl was not only the apple of their eyes, but their rough draft as well. By the time my two younger brothers were born, they were seasoned professionals in the world of parenting.

Like every single child I too became curious about the opposite sex. I think this began around the time my little brother was born (I was not quite 3 years old) because that was the first time I think I had ever really seen a penis. I do not recall asking my mom or dad about this but I do recall the names they had given a penis and a vagina. These names have stories attached to them that will haunt me forever.

Meany.
Yep, that is what my parents had me refer to a penis as; a meany. I suppose that was a pretty fitting name. I mean my parents wanted me to stay away from bad and mean people and things. Cool, great name guys. The only issue I had with meany, other than being confused by it and pulling on my dad's once like it was a truck driver's horn, was that I thought the cereal Wheaties, was called meanies. I refused to eat Wheaties until I was 6 years old and could read that heinous orange box. Good thing my parents were dorks and collected Wheaties boxes. Those fucking things haunted me. Meanies, Meanies...MEANIES! If they wanted me to stay away from them, why did they keep boxes of them? Good thing I didnt have sleep overs yet, could you imagine if I had to sleep at someone's house and their parents gave me Wheaties for breakfast?? Oye vey, they would have thought I was a freak.

On to the lady part. Oh yes, that crazy thing called a pappy. Fuck yes I said pappy. I have no idea why they thought of this or where it came from. Totally odd. So I was pretty pumped to have a pappy. It was nice and sweet unlike the meany. Here is where the issue with pappy came in.

I remember being at my neighbor Kelly's house when I was about 5 for her birthday party. I was so cute with pigtails and Kelly was my best friend and let me sit next to her during cake. I loved cake, what child didnt? I was just chilling at the table eating cake when Kelly jumped out of her chair and ran over to this man to give him a huge hug and kiss. It was sweet. That was until I realized what she was screaming when she saw him. "Pappy! Pappy! Im so glad youre here Pappy." WHAT THE FUCK? Pappy?!?!?! Holy hell! To this day I dont think I ran as fast as I did that day. I was fucking confused. Why the hell was Kelly referring to that man as her tinkle hole? Boy did my parents have a lot of fucking explaining to do to me. In between their hilarious laughter and tears they managed to tell me that my thing was really a vagina and that Kelly's pappy was her grandpa. I still cringe a little when people refer to their grandfather as pappy. I guess its a good thing I didnt grow up in the south or I am afraid my parents would have scarred me for life with that one.

Lovely experiences.

Time can do so much.

2007-04-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

While getting loaded on Friday night I looked around at my surroundings and found myself in a familiar environment totally lost. What the hell was I doing? I go to these bars by my mom's house and run into every person I have ever known and act like I give a shit. I don't. I stand and talk to meaningless people for what feels like hours at a time when I could be with my friends, getting drunker, or better yet, talking to good looking random guys who I could potentially hook up with. (Ok not in the burbs, cant bring boys home to mom's house anymore...its just too weird.) I waste my time trying to make up for being a raging bitch when I was 16. I act like these people still care. I am sure they dont, or at least hope they dont. Because I am no longer that same 16 year old bitch I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

Being by my mom's house just brings out the high school in me. I think being back there for a lot of people brings out the high school in them. We all act like we are still the same kids smoking weed in each others cars having intense stoner conversations about the future. We act like things havent changed and that time hasnt changed us. In some ways its comforting, in other ways, it's just creepy.

These people that used to know me still think they do and I them. I guess we will always know our most embarassing moments, secrets, who our virginities went to and the first time we got fucked up.

Crabby Pants. No real crabs involved.

2007-04-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

So ever since "A" and I started talking I have started this horrible habit of getting off at work at the same time every single day. I schedule my meetings around this. I have voicemails and pictures to work with. So today was the first day in over a month that this mission was not accomplished.

Holy hell was I fucking crabby. I had no idea that I really gotten into this habit. But I did.

So what am I going to do? I decided 2 days ago to stop talking to "A", although he doesnt know that yet. I have practically memorized the few voice mails of his I have saved. I realize that I could just go out and get laid and solve the whole horny problem but that isnt going to stop my clockwork masturbation.

On another note. Have a date on Tuesday...little nervous about it. He is actually pretty cool. He is not "A" but he is here...oh wait...I forgot I quit "A". It's been a while since I have been on a "real" date. I hope he knows what he is getting in to!

I <3 NY

2007-04-04T15:25:00.001-07:00

I'm in this alone.

"A" is so oblivious to the feelings that I have. Either that or he chooses to ignore them due to the distance. I am freaking myself out. I find myself worrying about this guy and the things he is doing constantly. I look at my phone 900 times during the day to make sure I didn't miss a text or the very rare "sober call". And to be real with myself, I never do because there is never anything there. It is always me reaching out. It is always me, "just saying hi, baby." It is always just me...alone in this.

I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes for a man who doesn't even ask how my day was. Who doesn't even acknowledge me after my mom has major surgery and only realizes that I have been absent for a few days because there are no new Hustler like pics of me in his text message in box. Who doesn't even care if I go see him or not (lives in a different state). And yet, here come the stupid tears streaming down my face no matter how mad I am that they are there, they won't stop. They are the worst kind too. The kind that stop you from seeing and just keep falling without your face having to move a muscle. (Just looked at my cell again for the 3rd time in the 4 minutes it has taken me to write this.)

I embrace him because I have decided that he is everything I want and desire in a man. He has that acne-thing that I love. (Yep, I have a thing for guys with acne/acne scars...don't ask because I have no logical explanation for this.) He is funny, dirty, sarcastic, not over-the-top smart, educated, same religious beliefs (a first for me), and is a phone call away when I need someone to drunk dial. He lacks in the kindness department but that doesn't even matter to me; he just takes away the feelings of loneliness.

But as I sit here typing this, I realize that is so not true. He is, in fact, creating a deeper feeling of hollow for me because my feelings are not being reciprocated. My thoughts, wants, needs, and desires for him are definitely not being reciprocated and yet I am still totally wrapped into him. (I even listened to one of his dirty voice mails prior to writing this to get off to his voice.) He controls my daily moods.

I want to pretend I am better than all this. But I am not. I am a girl who is looking to be loved back. Oh god, I admitted it. I typed that without even knowing that I was thinking it. I feel sick.

I'm so much more alone in this than I ever could have imagined.

Streaks on the China...

2006-12-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

I have the weirdest memory ever. So today I could not get the theme song from...The Gary Shandling Show out of my head. No, not The Larry Sanders Show, the one even before that.

"This is the theme to Gary's Show, the opening theme to Gary's show...this is the music that you hear as you watch the credits.
We're almost to the part where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch " The Gary Shandling Show"

How in the fuck do I remember this? I was like 6 when this show was out and it was on late on Showtime.

Well of course then I started thinking about tons of theme songs from 80's and 90's TV shows. Im pretty sure if they had a game show to name theme songs to tv shows from just those decades that I would be freakin awesome. I really would. I remembered tons of themes. I remember songs to shows that I didnt even watch, case in point, the Gary Shandling Show.

"And there aint no nothing we cant love eachother through, what would we do baby without love...sha nananaa"

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a papercup...

2006-12-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

I wish people would stop leaving me alone with thoughts.

Here are some from today:

*The music that I listened to throughout High School, although catchy, was fucking awful. Please do let me make a mixed CD of that shit again!

*I need some sexin. Its been a little while and I have freakin earned it. I have been a nice girl. Cleaned up after my roommate. Made my bed every day. To me these are all valid reasons as to why I should get laid.

*Polish men (ok fine men in general) should not be allowed to frost the tips of their hair. Ewww.

*Those 100 calorie packs of cheeto(h)-balls fuckin rock.

*How the fuck do you spell Cheetohs? <---Is that even right? What?

*I could eat pickles, 100 calorie packs of chips, asparagus (another word I struggle in spelling) and mozzarella sticks every day. Oh and a snack pack puddin cup, chocolate of course.

*hahahaha...That huge black lady from Billy Madison, "I'll be your snack pack". That line gets me every time.

*I need cooler friends.

*When guys wax their brows, its weird.

*When I touch a guys' arm and I feel stuble...also weird.

*I need to lose 10lbs. But I need to finish my mint hot chocolate and toffee bar from starbucks first.

*Gay men are sooooo much hotter than straight men

*Blogging is for losers.

*I am a loser.

God Bless and Goodnight!

ewww @ me

2006-12-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

So I have just done the unthinkable; I actually posted on craigslist. I posted looking for a relationship. Seriously, I really did. How sad have I become. Or was I just this sad to begin with and didnt know?

I have rec'd several very interesting responses. It's refreshing to know that I am not the only complete loser in the Chi. But really, I must be the only semi-attractive loser in this town. These guys are just...well...not attractive. I didnt expect much in my defense.

Which brings me to my always present question; what is wrong with me? (Its rhetorical so please do not feel the need to answer; Im trying to figure that one out on my own.)

I'll love and miss you forever!

2006-11-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

Out of no where last night we had to put my dog to sleep. (he was 13)

I know it is just a dog but I am truly a wreck. My mom bought me my dog after my dad died to cheer me and my little brothers up. It hurts. Things have been really fucked up lately.

I had promised myself that 25 was going to be my best year yet and no matter how hard I am trying (and lord knows that I am) it seems as though it is not making a difference.

My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. My dog was like my baby. I was able to say goodbye to him. As I was holding him he was licking the tears off of my face. Talk about misery. He seemed so fine. He wasn't I know that. I know life goes on and that I will even get another dog again within the next couple of years but this dog stood for more than just a pet, he was the reprieve from my dad's death and I am just not dealing well.

Foie Gras

2006-09-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ranting.

My roommate sucks.

She just broke up with her boyfriend (of 3 years mind you) and is already onto her next conquest. A huge Polish guy who spends the night here every...single...night. Oye Vey. I had to ask them to go into her fucking room last night so I could take a shower. No, Im not a prude, but I see the way he looks at me with clothes on and I would probably feel molested if I saw the way he looked at me with just a towel on. Ich.

We only have one tv too. Boo.

With that being said, she is a tv critic. Well, I guess more of a conisseur (no idea how to spell that word) if you would. She does nothing better than watch tv. She is pretty much excellent at it. She knows so much tv that she feels its ok to talk during whatever show is on no matter if anyone is paying attention or not. The only time she is quiet is during the news. That is when I go to bed. She talks to herself when Im not there. God knows the Polski doenst understand what she is saying.

The only thing she does better is play on myspace. She is OBSESSED. I wake up on Sunday morning at about 8:30 and her ass is already on the fucking computer. She still wont turn off her fucking aim! College called, they insist you come back.

She is home every night and makes no plans on the weekends. She lurks in the common rooms waiting for an invite from me. Blah. Then if she actually does make a plan she doesnt invite me (thank god) but gets offended when I dont invite her.

Boo @ her ass. Boo@ her in general.

Smokin' Whitneys Crack Pipe...

2006-09-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm BAAaaack.

Yeah. Ok.

So the summer has gone by. That's all I really have to say about that. It won't be until about January that I long for summer and will only then ultimately decide if this summer was good and I miss it; or if I am looking more forward to "having a kick ass summer" next summer.

I decided to write today because I needed a distraction other than f'in myspace.

The boyfriend and I are doing great. That is only because we have been officially together for like 3 weeks or something. He is a very chill guy with pretty much everything going for him (other than me). As much as Im trying to get into this guy I find myself holding back. I know exactly why I am holding back too; Im in love with someone else. It took me a long time to realize that I was in love with this person. I always knew I had intense feeling for him, but it just hit me a little while back that it is actually love.

So I here I have this great bf and all I can think about is the schmuck who doesnt want me. In fact, he has made it blatantly clear that for the time being he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Him and I go back and forth like this though, we always have. One month we are not talking-the next month we are calling eachother all the time-2 more months of not talking-1 month of sleeping together...its a sick cycle. Its basically his cycle though. He refuses to admit his feelings for me. He picked a fight with me as soon as he found out whats-his-face and I made things exclusive and here we are, not talking. I ran into him last night and he just did the stupid whatsup-head-nod. Coo. He looked around for bf but he wasnt there and then slapped my ass when I walked by. Tight.

Next....

Ok so I finally moved to the city and I am loving it. Its so great to be so close to so many cool things to do. Not like I have done any of them, but I have definitely thought about it. I will. I promised myself I would and I have to. Being 25 cannot be as lame as being 24. I have already slept with more people at 25 than I did at 24, so that is neat. Mind you, I have only been 25 for a month and a half...I have also only lived in the city for a month and a half. Coincidence? I know not ;)

On to some of my random thoughts:

*Why do skinny jeans have to be coming back into style? For the love of Christ, someone please stop this. Skinny jeans are not skinny unless you are...

*My skin has been perfect since I started sexing more.

*I think nap-time should be an option at work. They allow smoke breaks, why not nap breaks? Set up a room with some cots, dim lighting and a security guard (no hanky panky) and let me nap for 15 minutes, I'd be a much happier employee.

*Blueberry Stoli + Lemonade = Crazy Delicious

*Midget on Midget Porn...still on the hunt for some of that. Im not sick, just curious, intrigued if you would.

*That show on TLC with the family of 16 is fucking nuts. Look at that family. Just look at them! The mom is a pussy machine and the dad is loaded with fertility. They created 16 (or 14 - dont recall exactly) of the weirdest looking, robotic, 0 personality children ever. How can they live with themselves knowing the are raising weiners? One kid who is 8 wants to be a missionary when he grows up and his favorite thing to do is play broom ball?!?!?! On the real yo, boo.

*Buckwild is my hero.

*2 of my male friends last night were discussing how when one of them got drunk, he took a pair of the other's socks. He wants them back. I think that is weird. He said they had a cool print on them and that I wouldnt understand. Ok...

*I think I have a friend who is gay.

*Freeze pops are spectacular. I eat 2 a day. Hefferwhat?

I need to get back to work.

What?

2006-06-18T03:02:00.000-07:00

So ummm yeah, its been a while.

Things have been fucking insane and Im not sure where to even start.

I guess Ill start out with the fact that I am pretty damn happy to be alive. I didnt have some sort of rockin ephiphany (god, Im drunker than i thought...trying to type that word sucked, and Im sure its still not correct) I basically got into a crazy bad car accident and well...am happy to be alive.

Short version:
I was taking a left through a yellow light on my way to work and an old man smacked into the passenger side of my car. It has been up in the air for the past week whether or not it was totalled...its not and now I am going to have to wait a month for my car to get is $10,000 worth of damages fixed. Had the mutha fucka hit my side I would have...well lets just stop there.

I am ok. My back and neck are jacked up like mad but the window that came crashing down on me did no harm to me at all so things could definitely be a lot worse. Im pretty happy that I had almost completed the turn because had I not, the 180 I did would have forced me to go into oncoming traffic.

I have been a thinking a lot...and no need to share those deep, boring thoughts...so lets bring this to my current drunk thoughts...

Why do girls suck? I seriously find myself ashamed more often than not to be a woman. I canont believe how fucking ridiculous some (not all) ladies are. I stepped on some girls foot tonight and I immediately gave her a sincere apology. (The bar was fucking packed and she wouldnt move out of the way after I said excuse me twice.) She turns to me and says "you should be". I poured my drink down her leg after that. Cooter.

Strapless bras. Honestly...those suck as hard as that Cooter did. I spent all night tugging at it to readjust my boobs. Do they make strapless bras to fit girls who have real boobs over a size C? Just wondering.

Granola bars are not excellent drunk food.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos are.

How come no one plays Yolanda on the radio anymore? Awesome jam.

Why does Pour Some Sugar on Me instantly make every single girl in a bar an insta-whore?

Mexican grindage? No bueno.

Sauce sandwiches rock with a side of those Flamin' Hots.

I love smoking so much when Im hammered. I will not love it tomorrow.

Why does the cop from the accident keep calling me? I dont want to go to his house in Lake Geneva with him. Hes older than my mom and I have yet to return any one of his calls.

"Havent you people ever heard of, closing the god damned door. No." Fucking stupid song stuck in my head.

Those little shorts are hot...on skinny girls. Fatties...stop. Please. YUCK!!!!!

My hair looked wicked awesome tonight. Until the serious sweating started.

Im pretty. Yep I said it. Im drunk. Im stupid. And a liar. Soooo not pretty. Cute though..definitely cute.

How come I never get cut off? Does anyone ever listen to the words that actually come of my mouth after I have drank too much.

God Bless and goodnight.

I dont want anybody else...

2006-05-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

I just did something that I am not sure of. I am not sure if I am a loser because I did this, or just horny, or just straight up weird.

I just masterbated at work...like 3 times. No, I did not go into the dirty bathroom, I simply just shut my door and locked it. I have masterbated at work, but not like this. I mean if someone had the key to unlock my door that would have had quite the pretty site.

My skirt was flipped up around my hips and my chair was leaning all the way back. It was hot I guess. I havent been laid in a while and things have been kinda slow around here. All it took was one hard movement of my legs and I was ready to go. I think that if I masterbated more often I wouldnt be so uptight. I know that if I got laid more often I would definitely be a lot more fun...and have more fun at that.

I guess everyone has their dry spells. I just hope mine dont turn into perpetual masterbation instead of some good ol fashion sexin!

ta da

2006-05-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Date cancelled on me.

Sweet.

Now I am going out drinking and smoking with my friends.

Life is good.

dating for dummies.

2006-05-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have a date tomorrow night.
This would be my first date in a long time.
Im not sure if I am going on this date because I am really interested in the guy or because I feel as though I should "be putting myself back out there". The truth is that I am really not interested in dating but everyone around me thinks I should be.

He is nice and decent looking but he has one HUGE flaw. The man does not drink. Whatthefuck am I going to do? Im a lush. For to me to be comfortable around this virtual stranger I need some cocktails. The no drinking factor also factors out any ass that could have been had or given and what not. I need the sauce to put out and sometimes to find certain people attractive and do-able.

I am nervous due to this. And normally, I am never nervous about stuff like this. Im a great first date (for the most part, although I know a couple people who may argue that). Oh yeah...when Im nervous I smoke...yeah ummmm...guess what else date doesn't do? Im not trying to make this a disaster but AHHHHHHHHHHH. I cant wait to get it over with and break the hymen on my no dating life.

Holy Thursday Batman.

2006-04-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have been sick all week and really do not have much to say other than "being sick really fucking sucks". Yep, you can quote me on that.

The sucky part, other than being sick, so I guess I should say, the suckier part is...I am leaving for Florida today feeling like a junglebush in tight spandex sweating in the Amazon. For the first time ever I am not looking forward to going on vacation :( And I get to go on a boat and Im still not excited.

Allergies are like dingleberries...they go lurk right under the surface until your about to do some fun stuff. (Yep, I dated a guy who had some dingleberries now and again. I would rip on him on for that but I understand the pressures of pooping at work. I could feel his pain.)

Ok the meds are making me tarded again.

Have sweet weekends.

Sunday Funday.

2006-04-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

I had no idea how sexually frustrated I was until about 3:40 pm yesterday.

As usual my Sunday afternoons are confined to my family room couch. Although since mom's boyfriend was home, and I hate him, I proceeded to spend my Sunday afternoon on the living room couch...which is not nearly as comfortable. The nice part of the living room is that it has sliding doors which allow you to close yourself off from the world, or in my case mom's boyfriend. I tend to spend the whole day dozing in and out of consciousness.

So after about my 4th short nap of the day a jolt wakes me up. I cautiously look around the room to make sure someone isnt playing a trick on me and that is when I realize...my hand is down my pants and my pants are wet...

Whatthefuck? Now this has only happened to me like once before...possibly twice. I have definitely had wet dreams before, but to actually masterbate in my sleep...crazy weird. (Or maybe not?) I have no idea what I was dreaming about or who it was about but for the love of god I wish that would happen more often. I was in the best mood after that. I felt so relaxed until....

about an hour later when my mom came into the living room to make sure I was ok. She heard me "having a nightmare".

Weird.

Happy 50th Post

2006-04-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

Proof that two of my favorite people can coexist without a crazy throwdown. Meet my ninjrate or my pirja. Whatever you would like to call it.

And FYI:
He is my third favorite person and my soon-to-be fuckbuddy.

Just sayin. Word.

hot boobs.

2006-04-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

I decided that since I got a pretty good base tan after my long weekend (killer springbreak 06) in Memphis that tanning when I got home before I leave for Florida at the end of the month is a great idea. So fucking wrong.

I am sitting in my office with my door shut and my shirt unbuttoned to keep the searing burn that is my boobs nice and cool and easily accesible for the insane amount of itching. This is bothersome in so many ways.

My ass, although lovely, is burnt as well but my boobs are definitely distracting me from paying attention to it. Why did I do this to myself? As I am sitting here typing this I am itching like a mutha-fucka all ova.

But I look super hot so that is what counts...

I am so shallow.

monday

2006-04-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

At 1:54 pm He said goodbye.

And that is all she wrote.

Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho.

2006-03-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

Things have been really fucked up lately...hence the lack of blogging.

I havent had too much to say which that alone is completely bizarre being a Jew and a woman. I guess I have just had a lot on mind and actually tried to sort things out in my head instead of making a mockery of it through blogging. But hey...fuck that...it doesnt work...

some thoughts...

How come when my cousin was little and had a lazy eye she wore a patch and fixed it...and my 35 year old boss did not? Does she know what that does to me every single day?

Harry Potter and I share the same birthday. Neat.

Steve Guttenberg is completely under-rated as an actor/human being and should at least get to have his own tv show...I mean fuck...Freddie Prinze Jr. has one. Give the Gute a second chance America.

My great great Aunt Toby (shes been dead for like 20 years now) looked like Sophia from the golden girls. I just found a pic of her the other day and was pretty impressed...she coulda been a star.

Penelope Cruz has a weird looking face. I think she is a Cincinatti Bengal. Sorry.

Who thought it was a good idea to make Joan Cusak the US Cellular spokesperson...she is freakin weirdo. Her best role ever was that of Girl in neckbrace in Sixteen Candles. Her and that water fountain...such hilarity.

Why when I am eating fruit snacks do I always save the blue ones for last...they are definitely not the best flavor.

I have had the same eye make-up on for three days. Yep, Ive showerd, its fucking cool.

If everyone hates Star Jones so much...then why is she in every magazine...shes gross.

Its been a while since some sexin.

OMG...I made out last night...sweet. I love when you get those hazy memory jolts after a 10 hour drinking binge...the next day.

I need to tan...bad...real bad.

Whatever happened to that kid Jaime from Small Wonder??? Or his black friend? Or fucking Vikki??? Harriett anyone? Where are they now????? Please tell me.

I used to be in love with the Fonze when I was 4. Im pretty much Joan Cusak weird.

Word.

All by myself...

2006-03-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

*note: Thanks Loz...for pointing out the countless times I spelled maturbate wrong due to it being spelled wrong in the search!

So my blog comes up when someone is searching for "best female ways to masterbate". I found this out after clicking on the site meter at the bottom of my page and checking my referrals. My concern is not that my blog comes up but that someone has to look up the "best female ways to masterbate". I sincerely hope it is teenage boy looking for the best way to finger-bang his 14 year old girlfriend. If it is a woman, well then we need to have some sort of chat.

Masturbation is only perfected when you know your own body. For example, I know that when I am buying a vibrator I only need to buy a small one (silver bullett is perfect for me) because I know how to just work my g-spot without having to "get all in-depth". For me, masturbation and sex and do not have a whole lot in common. Getting myself off is not nearly as full-filling (no pun intended) as having a good sex partner.

If you are shy or have roommates and are "worried" about someone walking in on you, the shower can quickly become your best friend. Using your finger or even the power from the faucet or showerhead can get you off. You should try all sorts of different textures and spots to really feel what is good for you. (Buy a massaging shower head!)

I tend to masturbate a lot so I find that various lotions and oils are awesome too. I like to get the oils/lotions that heat up a little bit so I can feel more of a sensation (and lets face it, cum quicker) than I would by just playing with myself. Sometimes Ill watch some skin-a-max porn and get off to that or just picture myself with whoever I choose!

Masturbation is not something that can be taught or read up on, it is something that has to be experienced and learned for ones self. (If you are a teenage boy...dont finger bang with no technique...talk to your buddies or a girl best friend...but jabbing it in and out is no good. And flicking her clit...waaaaay NO good.)

Back to work :(

And now a note from a special friend...

2006-03-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday All!

And to my Jewish friend Shabbat Shalom.

The Venga Bus is coming....and Im on it.

The Ghost of Boyfriend Past.

2006-03-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

An ex boyfriend from years past sent me a text message today letting me know he is getting hitched. I have been trying to process this information for the past 20 or so minutes and the feelings I am having are very strange.

I am incredibly happy for him. He has been with this girl for a few years now and she (from what he tells me) is amazing. Yet, I cannot help but remember all the drunk dials he made to me and the couple "secret" (absolutely no cheating involved) times we met up for a drink. Was this his way of trying to tell me he wanted to be with me? (Well yes because he said so...) Could I be Julie right now?

To be perfectly honest, I do not want to be with him. He is a wonderful guy but just not the guy for me. But could I be in Julie's place right now...a soon-to-be-bride? Do I really enjoy being single or am I too scared to move on with my life? This question is something that I have refused to think about for a couple of months because me going by "Asexual" has been drama-less and quite enjoyable.

Im feeling all confused right now and I feel as though I am being forced to finally confront this question. Yuck...this day is sucking and my head already hurts.

Booooo.

It's...

2006-03-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

Mother Fucking On...Like Donkey Kong.

Stace and I go to the bar last night (my usual Thursday night fiasco/hangout) and everything appears to be in order. All the regulars are there, its crowded as hell, bad dance music is playing and I am buzzed. So for me this is a pretty basic Thursday night.

As the story goes for most people, the more I drink, the more I want to dance and I usually end up doing my best impersonation of a hoochie in a rap video/Celine Dion on crack moves. Yep, Im that impressive. Anyway...so Stace and I find ourselves admist the melting pot that is the dance floor and bust a move harder than Tone Loc, Hammer, and Humpty could have ever dreamed of. I am talking sweaty here folks, sexy sweaty. Ok fine not sexy sweaty...but feeling great. As we are dancing(and simultaneously swatting away the Mexican humping beans and the Rick James's) we come across 3 very nice looking boys.

So we start white kid bopping to the tunes and next thing you know I am Baby and having the time of my life with Patrick Swayze. Sweet moves are coming out of no-where and I feel myself actually smiling and semi-attracted to the guy whos semi I was grinding on. Good times.

WRONG! Out of the deep dark corners of the bar comes this...this...there are no words for her so I will just describe this being: a 5'3, pizza faced, back-ne'd, fucking mini-pigtailed only in the front of her head, Pepe Le Pew t-shirt wearing cooter. She apparently claimed stake on these boys (who were by no means interested in the likes of her) and every other boy in the bar and went CRAZY. This bitch literally fucking pulled my hair and called me a fat bitch. (Not fat!)

Nuh-uh Craig. I will fuck any bitch up who...wait...wait...wait...I am dancing with a cop (news to me) who apparently sees the rage glowing in my eyes and grabs me just as I go to lunge at the fucktard (a Pepe Le Pew shirt...fucktard is justified here). Well, me being the classy bitch that I am, I am not about to start a Jerry Springer on the dance floor at this bar so I let the cop take me outside to calm me down. I am too mad to go back into the bar so 5-0 has to go in to get Stace.

So Stace comes outside and who is following her? Yeah, you know it, Java the Hut. She is walking out, smiling like she got the best of me...fuck that. I was outside now. Copper sees the rage look again and stands in front of me so I cant get around him...so what did I do? Remember kids, I am a classy bitch.

I fucking loogied right in her mother fucking face. It was D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G...I was smoking all night long and have had some sinus issues the past few weeks. You should have seen the look on this skanks face. Priceless. If I ever see her again (which I will) I am going to do it again.

Moral of the story...pull my hair all you want, punch me in the face, kick me when Im down but when it comes right down to it, I have no shame and will shit on your head if I get the chance.

Word.

He Pitties Me...

2006-03-02T14:20:00.000-08:00

Why does being a single female mean 1 of 2 two things; 1) you're slutty or 2) you are too ________ (insert some sort of negative female stereotype here)? Why can't being a single female mean you just aren't in the mood for a boyfriend?

I am not in the market for a boyfriend because I am too slutty or because I am too ugly, needy, desperate or lame; I am none of the above. I just do not feel like putting up with all the hassle that a relationship brings. I understand and value the good aspects to a healthy and good relationship however for those aspects to be real, there has to be some work involved and for fucks sake I just want to be selfish and lazy and worry about me and only me. So now this makes me suck at life?

The lack of relationship does not make me suck at life. But...damn it there is always a but...my lack of want for some ass does make me suck at life. I am asexual at the moment and I am not quite sure how I got to this point.

On an average day I think about sex at least 20 times. On a great day I masterbate a few times and fully enjoy the release that comes along with a self-induced finger (or vibrator) fuck. Lately though, I have not even wanted to do that. Has my pure laziness gotten the best of me? Or have I just become...boring?

In all honesty I know why I am this way right now (incredibly personal issues the past couple of months) and I just want to start living my life again. I just want to feel the release (in more ways than one). I have been so hesitant to move from my comfort zone as of late that I have cut myself off from a world of fun and some excitement. How does one let them self out? Any suggestions?

Alright...enough of the jibba jabba....

Craziness

2006-02-23T07:28:00.000-08:00

So lately I have been living the life that I promised myself I would never live...a boring one. I have pretty much been working a ton, watching some tv, and going to bed with the rest of the geriatrics. But I decided (due to some unexpected dirty text messages yesterday) that I need to stop letting "the man" (actually the asian, russian and the brand new lazy eye aka my bosses) control my time. I signed up for 9am-5pm and Ill be damned if it will be any longer than that.

So this weekend things are looking ok. I have already arranged to meet up with an old friend who I have not seen in like 3 years. I dont know where this kid came from, maybe he is just as hard-up as me, but those texts got my panties all bunched and ready to come off.

My only concern with my friend is that my taste in men has changed considerably since I dated (humped) him for like 2 months in college. He was not the best looking guy (borderline ugly) back then but then again I had low self esteem and lots of booze not to mention the newly obtained freshman-junior year 30 lbs. But now, Im looking better, feeling better, and trying not to be such a lush. I have definitely dated (humped) hottness since him and I dont know if I could back to the pity party that is him. I guess I will just have to wait to see what happens. Maybe he will be super hot? Maybe that is just wishful thinking...

On a much more depressing note:

My admirer never came forward and stopped after the panties. WHATTHEFUCK is that??? Honestly, I was pretty upset when I did not receive anything on Valentines Day to reveal who my admirer was. Who does that? I even wore the panties in hopes that I could show the lady that I appreciated her gift. Damn her. Im never falling for a bitch like that again. Ok fine, I didnt fall for her, but I was definitely curious. What an evil trick.

Bitches, cant live with em, love when they give you panties.

Dang

2006-02-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sweep the leg.

Damnit I am still alive and still loving the cock.

My job has been kicking my ass as has the carpet shopping with my mom.

I promise to return soon with some average, as usual, posts.

In the incredibly creative words of Russell Simmons
"God bless and goodnight."

Enough Said.

2006-02-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

Bleh.

2006-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

Hi my name is You Wish and I am a myspace addict.

No, I am not ashamed to admit this.

This admission, in fact, brings me to latest annoyance.

What is with the whiny bitches who have been posting/crying for weeks about Valentine's Day? Oh and by the way, the bitches I am referring to are the guys of myspace. (You can say whatever you want about how lame and gay myspace is, but a lot of my real life friends are on there and they all do not suck. I am not stating a very good case here am I?)

As if that kick to the groin of the male species wasnt bad enough. These alleged men (not so much my real life friends, but most likely someone else's real life friends) post these "Valentine Applications" for prospective Valentine's to fill out. These are not exactly Johnny Coolguys and have never and will never need to sort through the ladies with an app. So I ask this; why? These guys are forcing me to lose all faith in the male gender. Do men really carry the same "crazy" gene as women? Or, are they just late-bloomers into the world of pathetism regarding this ridiculous excuse for a holiday?

I can understand the little high school girls that cry out for Valentine's Day attention. (All of them do.) It isn't the fact that really give a shit about the "holiday" they just want to walk around school with with their balloons, roses, cards, candies, teddy bears, whatever lame-o shit makes the ladies happy these days, and throw their shit in other bitches faces. "Yeah thats right wenches, some guy 'luvs'/<3's me and not you and that just means that I am better than you."

College ladies as well, although not quite as obsessively and really only the ladies that live in the dorm have my excuse for going insane around this holiday. They want the goodies delivered to their room to again throw in the faces of the doubters/haters/"friends" that someone fucking "loves" them. (My mom was the coolest, she would send me flowers and gifts with a random guys name on it so I would be the envy of the lovely ladies on floor 14 - I lived in the all girls dorm - and when we werent walking around naked touching eachother we would talk shit behind eachothers back. Duh.) We essentially used this day as big "FUCK YOU BITCHES" and that is about it. Love/Guys was never the actual subject regarding why we cared about this day.

I am not one of those single bitter bitches who hates Valentine's Day. In fact, I think its kinda fun. I love getting the obligatory grandma, mom and brothers cards and I have all the more reason to enjoy chocolate (and not feel bad due to the fact that someone else bought the chocolate, not me). I am just confused as to why, especially as I grow older, males are becoming more bitch-like regarding this holiday. Maybe there is no answer and it's only a few guys who are ruining the definition of a male. Whatever the case may be...they are really starting to annoy me.

Stop crying people. Its a fake day. If you are single, consider it a blessing...you dont have to waste your money on more crap.

Boobs.

2006-02-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

Drum Roll Please....

Roses yesterday...pink ones.

I know for sure this person is in my office/office building because I got nothing over the weekend at my home. I still have no idea who this broad is, but Im pretty sure Im falling in love with her...or the fact that she buys me stuff. Whatever, its all the same superficial game. (Im going to love someone for their looks or their money...isnt that what "love" is.) Ok enough of that garbage.

I hope my next gift is a vibrator because let me tell you, no broad can have enough of those.

So Loz, Im sorry...no girl on girl booby stuff...yet.

Which brings me to boobies...
I am incredibly irate with mine right now. I know I know I know...every girl that has boobs doesnt want them and every girl that doesnt have 'em wants 'em. I am lucky to have a pretty sweet rack. They aren't too big and not too small. They look great in clothes and produce some mad cleave that is wicked (god, I wish I was from Boston) hot. However, they suck as of late.
******
So, I have decided to actually start working out again which is amazing because I forgot how much I actually enjoy beating the hell out of myself. Its not so much a vanity thing for me, although I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice, as much as it is an awesome stress reliever. Due to this working out stuff my body is changing, slimming down a little, firming up more, inches are being tossed aside and weight is being dropped. Boobies tend to lose weight when this happens as well.

Not my fucking boobs. Nope. Mine, if you can believe this, are actually getting a little bigger. They are sore and pouring out of my bra.

Not getting my period.
Not pregnant.
Not working out my chest.
Not taking an weird-o pills.

There is no reasonable explanation for this. I am 24 years old and have been a 34D since I was 19...weren't they supposed to stop growing around that time? What is happening to me?

I am feeling like the Incredible Hulk. I cant even wear half my work shirts to work because the buttons look like they are going to freakin' explode. Yes, this would normally be cool for most girls, but when you already have big boobs, this is not cool, not cool at all.

Good Rant.

Life is good.

2006-02-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

Just because I rock doesnt mean Im made of stone.

I love my life. I dont say that enough, but today I love my life.

Its a girl/lady/woman/lesbian who wants to get on me. Yep...my life is worth living today...this girl/lady/woman/lesbian tucked a pair of red panties (unused thank god) bikini style- with a pink heart in my car door handle.

The note attached read - "Enjoy Love-" Totally girls handwriting in a purple gel pen.

Uh. Muh. Gawd. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME....AWESOME.
Its obviously someone I work with...which makes me a little sick...not because the person woo-ing me has a vagina...because the women I work with are gross. Unless its a broad in the building. I often stop to chat with the other luscious ladies in the building (me technically being the only one classified as luscious). This is still no good though...no hot ladies...no good looking ladies...a couple average....a few a little below...and the trolls. Please dont be a troll.

I hope its the blonde downstairs, she is Cincinatti Bengal at least (great uniform, ugly helmet).

I cant help but wonder what I will do if it does turn out to be a hot chick. Well first off I will feel even more awesomer (I dont care if that is not a word, it is now) if that is possible than I do right now. Then I will definitely take her out for some drinks for showering me with kisses and panties. Then I will drop her off at her house....and then what? I dont know how into I am with this whole experimenting with the same sex thing. Sure Ive done the sloppy girl-on-girl drunk kisses and the triple kisses like every other classy college girl...and of course the obligatory picture titty and ass grabs...but thats about it. I cant imagine much more. Ok fine, Id play with boobies because I think boobs are cool (they carry the same amount of fun as balls). That is really it though.

Oh whatever...who cares about the technicalities...A GIRL LIKES ME! (Again.)

Oh you know this.

2006-02-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

From a far can I see my car as I walk towards it to leave for lunch and I as I get a little closer I notice all these pink dots all over my back and side window. Ok I know I did not leave the house this morning with pink shit all over my car so I pick up the pace and speed walk to my car only to find that the little pink dots were not dots at all but...and this is off-the-chain-whack...kisses. It looked like someone had made love to my car. (Immediately "get outta my dreams and into my car" starts playing in my head...LOVE THAT SONG!)

Now I think this is hilarious and all but what the hell does this mean? Could this be my second chance at a girl date? As some of you may recall in the previous blogs, "Girl on Girl Action" (http://feisty610.blogspot.com/2005/11/girl-on-girl-action.html) and "Girl on Girl II" (http://feisty610.blogspot.com/2005/11/girl-on-girl-ii.html) the ladies love me. I think its awesome. I love that the ladies and gents both want to fight over my goodies. (Ok so I am taking things a bit far with that statement, but I think its rad.) Babes, there is plenty of me to go around. (If you have a penis mostly.) My goodies, of course, belong to the wang but the pootie holds mystery for me. To be perfectly honest though, I am not so sure I will willing to solve that mystery. Anyway, I have been sitting at my desk since 1:00 dying to know who loves me enough to kiss (possibly hump) my vehicle. This person (and I do hope its a girl with the lipsticky kisses, a man with lipstick may freak me out a little (a lot)) needs to come forward because boobs or pecs...Ill be their Valentine.

Smooches!

what a girl wants

2006-02-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

"What do you want in a boyfriend?"

This question has plagued me for like 3 days now. (Damn you Mark for asking this ridiculous question.)

What do I want in a boyfriend?
Well here is what I come up with thus far.

*I want someone who is going to leave me-the-fuck-alone when I have a bad day. I dont want a pity-party and I usually dont want to talk about it. I want to have a drink, relax, and watch tv (and probably do it to get my frustration out).

*I want a man who does not try to solve all my problems. Half the fun of my life is making mistakes and then trying to fix them. I like to find my own solutions. Sure, Im wrong...a lot (and I will always admit that) but I dont mind being wrong so fuck off with your Oprah-wise crap that your ex g/f tried to teach you.

*I realize people take things from previous relationships, good and bad. I dont care what your ex g/f tells you, if I dont like something you do (for me that is), then I DO NOT LIKE IT...I dont give a shit if she did. If your ex likes her toes sucked, thats rad, I personally do not, so dont tell me what Im missing, just say, "thanks for not making me suck on your toes, you rock". What is right for her may not be right for me.

*I do not like to cuddle. (This also applies to PDA "Public Displays of Affection"- unless Im drunk.) Do not even think about touching me when I fall asleep, Im not into that. I like my own space. If I wake up in the morning and your arm is around me and Im sweating be prepared to be knocked out. (Ok fine, once in a great while I like to cuddle, but I will let him know beforehand that it is ok.)

*I want a man who is secure in who he is and does not care who or what my exes were. Bad mouthing them only makes you look like a complete chatch. (You never met them and I do not need to tell you anything about them if I do not want to.)

*I want to a man who is somewhat spontaneous. I want to go do random things. I like partying and getting drunk, but sometimes, I want to go to a concert or go apple picking...or something different. (Apple picking...right.)

*Great smile.

*Independent.

*I need a man who gets along with his family. I realize that not everyone likes their family, but my family is very close (Jewishclose), Id like to be with someone who is close with his family as well, its just a nice thing.

*A man with an average (or slightly larger) penis. Too small and too big are just whack. Too small does nothing for me in the sack...too large gives him the constant right to discuss it (this discussion does get annoying believe it or not) as well as hurt my pootie.

*I want a man who is educated. That doesnt mean I want a man who is a genius or brilliant, a college degree or even vocational degree/certificate (whatever it may be) is sufficient.

*Must love dogs. Yep that movie sucked but I am going to always have a dog so he better like dogs.

*Most importantly I want a man who respects me. If we argue, chalk it up to a difference of opinions, not an opportunity to name call or attack my insecurities. I will fuck you up in the name calling department if you even try...trust me.

Thats really all I have thus far. I dont think I ask all that much. But then again, men are entitled to have what they want and I may not be the type of girl that a lot of men want. Im going to think more about this and add to it later...

Pass on this one...no good. I said no good.

2006-01-27T07:53:00.000-08:00

The lack of "cool" bars in my town and surrounding area has finally caught up with me. For the 2 years I have been back from college I have coasted through these bars with my pompous "I was cooler than you in high school" aire and have always missed by a day or even an hour those run-ins that would definitely bring me back down to earth and bitch slap me into reality. This is not to say that I am bitchy or snobby or anything close to that, I am just aware that people know me and judge the hell outta me and are dissapointed when they see that I am not fat nor ugly and pretty successful. These people want to hate me and yet they cant seem to get enough of me. Ok fine, they cant seem to talk enough about me.

With all that said, this all came to a crashing halt the other night and I was dealt a pretty big blow.

Im out with a friend and we decide to go to one of the two "cool" Thursday night bars, we are aware that we are going to run into "everyone" so of course, we look better than we would lets say on...a Wednesday or even a Friday sometimes. We have a couple drinks before we leave and head over to the bar. We got to the bar just after the crowd and basically walked into our highschools 1998 - 2001's class reunions. It was insane. We give our hugs and have our "so what are you up to now?" and "its so great to see you" and the always popular "you look so great" conversations. Just as I am settling into my fourth drink "Weasel" (yes he really goes by that) informs me that "your boyfriend is coming here".

"Who is my boyfriend?" At this point Im a little buzzed so my heart starts beating really fast because "my boyfriend" can mean 1 of 3 things: my ex boyfriend is coming to the bar, a guy I used to crush on was coming to the bar or a guy I cant stand is coming to the bar. Im hoping its option 2 (I was looking pretty damn good that night.) Long story short...an ex of mine. No big deal. Him and I are still really good friends and see eachother pretty often.

So Dan (an ex) gets to the bar and takes a seat next to me. Nothing at all out of the ordinary. A bunch of us start taking shots and things are going great. My girl friend and I get tanked (with the rest of our "friends") and life as I knew it in that moment was perfect.

My friend and I decide to go dance (we are wasted) and go to the dance floor. Basically her and I are sloppy drunk whitegirl-grinding/convulsing/dancing and ignoring any creature that attempts to dance on us. (Unless the creature was someone we knew.) Well, Dan (who is a total punk guy) is just drunk enough that to him too dancing appears as if it is a good idea. So Dan and I are dancing and all of the sudden I am pulled back by this...force I suppose....

I turn around to see who is pulling me back and TA-DAAAAAAAAAAA its Drew, my most recent ex. Now Dan has never seen nor spoken with Drew nor even seen a picture of him. Drew however has seen pics of Dan. (Dan I were still "dating" when Drew and I met. Dating in this case means still sleeping together even though we mutually decided we much better off as friends...apparently that was with benefits at the time.) Drew hates Dan. This hate stems from the fact that I was sleeping with them both for about 3 months until I finally decided to be with Drew. (For those of you reading thinking, "you slut" they both fully knew about eachother and neither had any issues with it, or so I thought. I came to learn differently through my relationship with Drew.) It was all a convenience thing...I was still in college and Drew was there during the week...and when Id come home every weekend to work there was Dan.

So here we are...Drew...Dan...and Me. All 3 standing on the dance floor of this awful bar in front of half of my former high school drunkly gazing at each other in bewilderment. WHATTHEFUCK? So I casually introduce the boys thinking 'ok this no big deal I'm no longer with either one no one gives a shit'. Drew was not happy this was Dan, he was not happy at all. So Drew starts begging Dan to go the parking lot to "fight". Meanwhile I decided that everything can be solved with some drinks so I try to coax the boys into letting me buy us a round of drinks. Poor Dan is trying to figure out who the hell this guy is. While all of this is going on Weasel lets everyone know that Dan and Drew are about to get into a fight and 1998-2001 are on the dance floor waiting to see what happens. Some were waiting for a fight, others were waiting for me to fall flat on my face.

Girls are talking shit about these two guys "actually fighting over (insert my name here)", guys are making bets about who will win the fight and I am on the verge of tears out of pure shock and embarassment. This was no one's fault but my own.

I created the Drew Monster. I forced him into letting me back into his head thinking that there could some day be a chance. (Revenge is only good if it does not blow up in ones face...see my E*V*I*L post.)

I instinctly wrap my arms around Drew's neck and try to lure him in the sexiest way I know how to leave the bar with me. This isnt exactly what I wanted but I didnt want there to be a fight and I sure as hell didnt want to suffer anymore embarassment. (So selfish of me, fuck the fact that two people I cared about were going to maul each other...)Well I guess when Im drunk my sexy makes me look like a retard and Drew calls me out, "You stupid bitch, go eat a cheeseburger (what? Im seriously not fat) and fuck off." WHOA?!?! Seriously? Ummmm...no, you DO NOT talk to me like that, I dont care how jealous or fucking pissed off you are. Well ladies and gentlemen, there it was, my kick to the groin and my push off my horse.

I took one look at Dan and lets just say Dan was not happy with this comment; at all. In fact, Dan was enraged. Like I said, Dan and I are still pretty close, kind of like best friends now, and he was not about to let Drew to talk to me like that. Gloves off. The fight was on.

Half the bar clears outside to watch this. I of course run after the two of them screaming like a little bitch to stop but they are immune to the sound of my voice. Drew is spitting and Dan is whipping his neck around and cracking his knuckles. People are chanting and gathering in a circle. Words start flying back and forth, "you fucking pussy". "Fight you little bitch." "Go fuck yourself." You get the point. Just then 4 squad cars pull up.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
That was the crowds reaction, not mine.

I was so relieved it was sick. Since no punches or anything else had been thrown the cops let the boys go. Drew was asked to leave and Dan went back inside. I too left the bar.

I was knocked down, but just for that night. I was right back on riding it even harder on Sat night, yes Im that big of a loser that I still feel like I have something to prove, that I am worth the time people have spent knowing me, talking about, analyzing me, loving me and hating me. No, I do not still live in the past of high school. No, I do not base my life around other people's opinions. I do however, like to pretend like I have pride (something I have secretly never had in my life). This way these people, those people, or anyone else (who doesnt read my blog) can respect me and not walk all over me like the old days. Being people's doormat was something I gave up about a year ago and have not looked back...well not really I guess.

Both boys have since called and apologized to me. And like 7 people from the bar that night have asked me to be their "myspace friend" so all was not lost...most importantly though, my fake pride is still in tact as well as my fake "dont fuck with me attitude". Because lets be honest, if you really wanted to, Id most likely let you.

Wow...what a terrible story. What a terrible moral (wait was there really one behind all this garbage? Maybe, "Revenge will bite you in the ass".) And what a terrible thing to let people know about my protection; fake pride and fake snobbery.

You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say....

2006-01-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to thank loz, db, vyv, trix and the always rad eazy for being my friends...carry on now...I have nothing to write about today...Im having the kind of day/week/lifetime that only a fuckstick deserves.

EVI*L

2006-01-20T13:58:00.000-08:00

Im evil and I love it.

For those of who who read Whatthefuck(http://www.meluvulongtime.blogspot.com/) you know my reasons for not being able to stand my ex. There are a lot of more sensible and mature reasons for my severe disdain for him but I choose to not share those. Not because they are so personal just because they are cause for a lot of thought and I dont really care to waste my time. Any way, Ex got a new girlfriend and since finding out this delightful piece of information I have personally taken it upon myself to ruin their relationship.

It is not as bad as it sounds. Basically, I have implanted a tiny seed in his tiny brain that there may be a possibility at some point in our lifespan that him and I could potentially get back together. Why did I do this if I cant stand him? I have no legit reason other than he made me miserable and now its payback time. Im shallow, immature, lame...blah fucking blah blah blah. I already know it.

This girl is perfect for him too, well so he thought. She is cute and completely relies on a man (Ex) to take care of her, make her decisions for her, and derive her overall happiness from him. All the qualites my ex wants in a woman and the exact opposite of me. But, since I planted this seed of pure evil and lies he has been questioning his relationship with J and calling me non-stop. The "I still love you" messages are nauseating and the "Hey Baby youre the one for me" texts actually make me throw up a little. But for the sake of his eventual unhappiness I will play along.

For my own personal justification...
1) They have only been together for about 2 months so its not like Im breaking up a wedding here.
2) She is a little too needy for him.
3) THEY WORK TOGETHER...so the break up was coming.
4) THEY WORK TOGETHER...he is a supervisor and could lose his job over this girl.
5) He is not that bright and shouldnt waste a good opportunity like the one in front of him on this broad. (He wont get another one)
6) Her mouth and chin are weird and you can just tell that she is going to grow up to look like Blue (RIP) from Old School. (Serious about that...you know what I am talking about.) Therefore I am ultimately saving him from a life with an ugly wife and kids.
7) She brings her cat to his place when she stays the night...he hates cats...who doesnt? And she doesnt clean up the cat hair so she is a gross.
8) He is still in love with me and realizes that he does not want a girl like her.

Hmmmm...writing this all out has made me feel really guilty. I hate when this happens, fucking morals. Im going to put a stop to this immediately, I should not be playing with this guys mind like this, its just cruel and no better than what he did to me.

Damn blog. Thanks for ruining my fun.

My Sunday Afternoon...

2006-01-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

was spent with Da Bears at Soldier Field. Unfortunately my team lost, but I still sat 5 rows off the field and had an amazing day. Who knows when I will be able to see them again in a playoff game (next year I hope) with these kind of seats especially. Just thought I'd share some pics. Im still so pumped I got to go!!! Da Bears in '06!
Awesome view. We were right next to the tunnel where the players run out.
We just kinda threw our cameras in the tunnel hoping for a good shot!
#65 looks like a badass...

And we definitely scored 2 pretty decent pics like that! Our seats were absolutely incredible.
We actually had to back up to get the whole field in our shot!
Pre-Game!

Yeah we got some hi-fives...they are free ya know!
Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears!
Carolina got lucky.

Better luck next year!

Im not sorry

2006-01-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately which can be pretty dangerous for a girl like me. In case no one has ever noticed, I tend to analyze, re-analyze, and then over-analyze most situations in my life. After some much needed thought though I have something serious that I really need to get off of my chest.

I am not sorry, nor will I ever be sorry, for not crying when I heard that my grandfather passed away. I am not sorry that I felt no emotion for a man who all but abandoned my family when his oldest son, my dad, passed away (my dad was 38).

I realize the harshness of what I am typing.

I realize that to most people, probably all people, this is awful.
Not to me. This is truth.

The reality of the situation is that when my dad passed away, his parents, decided to let my family...my mom and two little brothers (ages 8 and 5 at the time) go on food stamps instead of help us. (Their millions of dollars were tied up in their matching caddy's and winter home in Florida. No exaggeration there.)

This man decided that he could not pay for my 8 year old brother's baseball mit because he " had to pay for (my) father's funeral".

This alleged man decided to let me in on some deep family secrets (secrets that belonged to my mom's side of the family) at the age of 11 that I was not supposed to know yet. (Out of pure spite for my mom's parents.) These secrets were nothing dirty or dark. They could have, however, been taken waaay out of context at the age of 11 and ruined some serious relationships between me and some very important people in my life.

I realize my grandpa was hurting because he lost his son. I realize the tragedy of that situation. I also realize that he probably had a hard time looking at me and my brothers after my dad died.

But most importantly I remember the 3 little kids who were sick for a year over the loss of their dad and who never were quite the same people again. I remember 3 little kids who latched on to every man in their family because they wanted to have a man in their life. I remember 3 little kids completely rejected.

I know three young adults who have these wonderful experiences in their life only to have them made bittersweet by the loss of the most important man in their lives. Dances, Sports, Graduations, Birthdays, Holidays....

So when my grandma showed a DVD of my grandpa on Sunday Im not sorry that I wasnt sobbing. Im not sorry that I didnt shed a single tear. Im not sorry that my brother's and my mom didnt either. Im not sorry that we were the only people in the room not touched by the DVD. (I wonder if anyone even noticed that out of the cummulation of several events on the video...I wasn't present at a single one and that my mom and brothers were only present at...1? Not an accident.)

I am sorry though for my dad's mother and father for losing out on three wonderful grandchildren. For losing out on the love and affection that grandchildren have for their grandparents.

Here I go again on my own...

2006-01-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

I have been sick lately. This Chicago Flu sucks. (I blame the city of Chicago for enticing me out on New Years Eve with a sheer top on and no jacket for the cause of my grief.) My morning phlegm ritual has been nothing but pleasant as has the daily spit-ups of blood. Those, fortunately, are starting to subside. So all in all I have been feeling like pure ca-ca and not had one extra ounce of energy to put into keeping things "fresh" with my blog. (Or my hygiene for that matter. Oh fuck you...when you're sick you'd rather lay in your bed than try to stand in a shower that cant seem to keep you warm enough.)

I need a new job. I have been looking for jobs but no one seems to want to even talk to me, let alone hire me. Im sure that means that I should change my resume but I do not know what is wrong with it so I am not quite sure how to change it. Actually, that was me trying to bullshit myself...I know exactly what it was wrong with it, but the laziness factor rules my life. I wish someone somewhere would just give me a chance based on my crappy resume. I have some awesome experience, although, it is only about 1.5 years worth of "big girl" work. People keep telling me I should try to tough it out for another year or so, but Ill be damned if I have to sit at this desk for another whole year. Id rather work retail (no offense to those of you that do that) than stay here.

I want to leave the wonderful and exciting world of HR and go back into event planning. Those two worlds though dont have a lot in common to the naked eye and therefore managers reviewing my resume may not see that I have in fact, been polishing up on my even planning skills while being here.

Plus Im super talented, creative, and cute...meaning I kick ass in the event planning world. I have planned bridal showers, baby showers, weddings, bar-freakin-mitzvahs...for total strangers who have paid me! I should probably include more of that on my resume, yet at the same time, my HR credentials are awesome too. (I started an HR dept with 5 temps and in 1 year have 80 employees. So basically, if you will, I have started this whole thing from scratch.)

Just because I rock doesnt mean Im made of stone. <---its the meds I swear.

**Sidenote: The previous paragraph was only intended to make myself feel better about my lack of experience, motivation, and heart at this point. Although all is true.**

There is a quick fix to all of this...
Ill just get my ass on a reality tv show and then the world will be at my fingertips and everyone will want me to work for them. Watch out Biggest Loser...here I come!!!!!!

Happy New Year...my ass.

2006-01-01T20:40:00.000-08:00

I know I bitch and whine...a lot...but lately, things have sucked. So basically I am going to let you know why My New Years Eve sucked the fattest dong ever...

* The guy that invited me out spent the first 20 minutes of the night hitting on some 40 year old woman (heinous looking by the way...not a milf) before even walking over to saw hi to me. When he finally did walk over the first thing he said was, "You look stupid" because I was smoking. Happy New Year to you too Geek. Sooo pissed I wasted looking super hot on hanging out with him.

* For the remainder of the time I was at that bar I spent my time avoiding him letting foreign men entertain me and dance on me so I wouldnt have to talk to my guy. Normally this would never happen, but I wasnt about to spend my night sad or pissed.

* Yep, I went out with Twiddle-Dumb-Fucking-Selfish-Whore, my cousin. DING DING DING, I know my own fucking fault. Anyway, the bitch drinks a ton within the first 2 hours of the night...convinces me to leave the bar we are at with promises of hot guys at this next bar (her ex and his friends). OH. MY. GOD. Fucking liar. Skanky takes me to a bar where her ex is to fuck him. I dont mind that...the part I mind is...he is there ALONE. So I have to stand there by myself for about 40 minutes while they are making out and stare out the window at all the people who are having a good New Years Eve. Did I mention he was wearing a neck brace???? Oh yeah...shitstorm had a broken neck. Oh yeah...shitstorm also looks like Howard the Duck.

*So then I take a $30 cab ride to the parking garage where my car is parked, by myself. Cry in my car for 20 minutes alone and drive to my friends where I just crash on his couch.

* During all of this I decide to call my ex (stupid move)...he has a new girlfriend...so Im drunk and lonely and crying on my friends couch.

* At some point the guy I had met out at the first bar called to see where I was. I told him I was at my friends and he asked if I was "still coming over?". I told him I was on my way. He called about 30 times to see where I was for like 2 hours.

Happy New Year.

I am starting My New Year tomorrow....and things are going to be great. 2006 is going to be awesome...I just needed an extra day to grieve and be bitter for 2005.

20 Minutes...

2005-12-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

Yeah ok wow...that was fun!

If you saw it...Im sorry.

If you didnt...consider yourself LUCKY!

Game off...for those you who think you know who this is...well...unless you saw the pic...YOULL NEVER KNOW!

See my Blogs Title.

2005-12-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

I dislike the last week of the year. The reflective bullshit is well...bullshit. I dont want to think about how my last year could have been better or better yet, how I could have made it better. I really dont give a fuck. Overall: I ditched the boyfriend, kept a job, partied hard, got tons of ass, saved no money, gained 12 lbs, ate fast food weekly, worked out 17 times (total), went to Puerto Rico, lost an amazing friend, blew tons of money, got a new car, made a couple new friends, reacquainted with some old ones, found myspace.com, starting blogging...great year huh?

Onto some more fun stuff.

I got laid on Thursday and it was awesome. No seriously, it was awesome. I felt like a beat-up rag doll the next 2 days. Im not sure how it happened (WASTED-ness), but Ill be damed if it doesnt happen again. I have big plans with this guy for the new year. (No dating just humping.)

Here are my resolutions:
1) Humping a lot more with that guy!~
2) Drinking less
3) Finding a new job
4) Still not giving a Fuck
5) Going on vacation
6) Say "word" a lot....word.

Sorry I suck today more than usual.

***I also updated "whatthefuck" for the 2 of you that read that.***

Im loser baby.

2005-12-16T11:28:00.000-08:00

Random Thought Day

1) I am cooler than the following:
1) A man in a fanny pack.
2) DJ Tanner
3) Busch Light
4) Snowmen Sweaters
5) Staplers

2) I am not cooler than the following:
1) Brownies
2) Boner from Growing Pains
3) A wrench
4) Highlighters
5) Any 3 of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor's Kids

3) If I were to play dodge ball right this minute, I would really suck at it. My game would be way off today because my head would not be in it.

4) I miss the way my skin looked before the Back-ne. JUST KIDDING...ewww Back-ne. I just wanted to type Back-ne.

5) Floor hockey is a kick ass sport.

6) I love raspberries. I could eat them every single day. They are delcious and I wish I had more.

7) I want an Oompa Loompa as my best friend/pet/slave. Or a little person aka MIDGET. I would buy him a baby pool and fill it will plastic balls so he could have his own at home chuck-e-cheese style ball pit.

8) Fanny Packs look really cool on guys. NOT.

9) I wish saying NOT after everything was still rad. OOOOH Rad...I love that word too.

10) NOT! Just wanted to do it again.

11) I really enjoyed the musical stylings of WHAM. Ok fine, I just think, "wake me up before you go (g0)" was hilarious. Did they have any other songs? Those two whacky fellas dancing around so un-homo like on the stage in their pro choice shirts...whatever happend to the other guy???

12) Im kind of a big deal.

14) Why is it that every song on the radio relates to my life in one way or another? I hate that. (FU "Shake your Laffy Taffy" homies)

15) I wish Lionel Richie would write "Dancin on the Ceilin II". Seriously one of the best tunes ever!!!!

16) Yellow Starbursts are the best ones.

17) I make bad choices but have the best time making them.

18) I havent cleaned my room in like 2 months. OMG...that is so gross. I am a nasty nasty individual.

19) Hence and nor are not used enough. I love the word hence...hence it being listed as random thought 19.

20) I am really a pretty bad-ass broad. Even though I think that bajiggity is a cool word.

21) I love DMB even though it is considered "un-cool" and lame to like them. I still love them...older stuff of course.

See Previous Post's Title..

2005-12-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

So Ive been down for a few days now trying to do the "whole sorting stuff out in my head" act and let me tell you that sorting is crap. Every time I make a nice neat pile of stuff, another zillion thoughts come racing into my head causing pure chaos and making me feel even worse than I did before.

So I decided to follow in the footsteps of my blogging buddy...eazy...and do a FUCK YOU post of my own.
***************************************************************************
1) FU - Drew for being the man I always wanted you and needed you to be...AFTER we broke up.

2) FU - S for being a liar about some situations in your life that have caused me to question you as a friend and as a person in general. I pretend to your face that Im on "your side" when in reality I know you have lied about worse...so whatthefuck? FU FU FU.. for not allowing me to trust you.

3) FU - Chocolate for being so damn delicious.

4) FU - Holidays for just sucking the life out of me and forcing me to care about people that right now I want to despise.

5) FU - Milk. I just hate milk.

6) FU - **** BFF for making me think you were not only my friend, but someone I could trust. FU too for doing what you did with me RIGHT THERE. FU FU FU FU. FU for making me like/not like/like/not like you...what should I do now because obviously that pattern doesnt seem to be working???

7) FU - McDonalds for serving up such a delicious breakfast.

8) FU - Govn't for not allowing McDonalds to serve breakfast all day long for fear of McDonalds taking over the world with their deliciousness (yeah I know your conspiracy).

9) FU- Chicago Bears for sucking so bad on Sunday and bringing sadness to those of us who love you. :(

10) FU - Clock for only being 4:00.

11) FU - Myspace for taking up infinite amounts of my time and forcing me to become a myspace head.

12) FU - Snow and salt for fucking up the bottom of all my work pants.

14) FU - 13 for being an unlucky number.

15) FU - Booze...no wait...I Love you.

16) FU - Bozo for freaking me out in the mornings when I was a little kid.

17) FU - Arizona for being hot all year long.

18) FU - Tail light for being broken after I knocked you into a garbage can, costing me $200

19) FU - To people who laugh at people less fortuante and treating them as if you are better than them. I really despise you.

20) FU - to me for being stupid and silly and writing pure crap.

21) FU- D. You made me want to be with you and now you are taking it away. FU for being smart.

Fck me? No, Fck You.

2005-12-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Im struggling right now with believing that people are generally good.

Bold statement.

(Even bolder that I actually admitted I believe that people are generally good. Wow that statement looks stupid all typed out too.)

Im naive. I pretend to be tough, and street smart (not hood smart) and act like things dont affect me, or like I dont care. The worst part is...I care more than just about anybody usually. I wear my heart on my sleeve and those who really know me know that about me. I guess that would be why people are constantly walking on me. I pretend like I dont realize it and just ignore the fact that they are because somewhere in my warped thinking I rationalize their behavior. "They dont know they are hurting me because I didnt tell them they were, so its really not their fault."

This kind of thinking has fucked me my whole life. I thought as I got older it would get better, people wouldnt be so cruel and self righteous. But as usual my thinking was wrong. Unfortuantely now the situations are more serious and although I speak up a little, I still manage to get hurt and let down regularly. I do not know how to fix it. Ok fine, I do, but I am not sure how to allow myself to speak up.

In my own defense, I have gotten rid of several of these people in life by just cutting them out (and avoiding the situation completely...Im a total vagina like that), but sometimes, there are people who, for whatever reason, I cannot get rid of due to circumstance. I do not know how to approach this situation. I feel like if I just ignore it I appear stupid and not weak and if I approach it I will appear weak because all I do is cry. (This has happened every single time I have tried to speak up for myself.)

Im hurting today. For nothing I did. I want to make it stop, but I cant. Im lost as to how to deal...I just needed to vent.

To You, my dear.

2005-12-06T11:52:00.000-08:00

***Ex boyfriend found my blog today!!! Here is a little letter to him***

Dear Ex Boyfriend _________ , (<3My baby! I like to keep this annonymous, but you know who you are<3)

Im horny and I want to get fucked bad.... (You know how I get ;)

I want it hard and I want it soft.
I want it slow and I want it fast.
I want to get pounded.
I want my hair pulled and my back bit. (You know how I LOVE that)
I want to be licked and I want to lick. (You know how we do it...)
I want to scream and moan and talk dirty. (Im your little slut remember?)
I want to ride, I want it from the back, I want it in the shower and I want it on the floor. (Remember the shower??)
I want to taste you...and then myself.

But most importantly...and here is the best part my love...
I dont want it from you.

Have a good day.
Love,
Me <3

What was I thinking?

2005-12-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

Whoever invented the game Edward 40(oz.) Hands is a fucker (and a slight genius). Whoever has played this game is a gigantic moron. Include me in the latter.

Ok so Edward 40(oz.) Hands is ridiculous. My friends and I literally duct taped 2 King Cobras to our hands and drank them as fast as possible. (Think 50 - 55 minutes) The point you ask? Since your hands are taped to the 40 ozs it is virtually impossible to do much of anything...especially tinkle and smoke...and anything else you like to do when your drunk. Plus, according to the rules, you arent allowed to do any of that. (Oh yeah, this is a serious game, look it up on the internet, you'll find all sorts of shit on it.) Basically the purpose is to get you really drunk, really quick. The problems? Besides the obvious King Cobra choice of 40 oz (we're broke) and the concept itself, the game didnt get me drunk, it got me sick.

I was so full after drinking this shit that I laid on the bathroom floor for 2 hours...2 hours! Finally after I couldnt take laying on the bathroom floor anymore I moved the party to my friend's bed where I laid for about 20 minutes until I finally hurled 9 times into a nifty bucket. (I was the only girl playing this game and took second!!! So at least my puking wasnt for nothing!)

After hurling, I took the garbage can into my friends shower, washed it out (and the shower), and got myself ready to go out. Yep, I still managed to use a flat iron for my hair (didnt burn my forehead either) and put all of my make up on and not look like a hooker. Well I got to Cubby Bear, watched a terrible band play, and decided that my stomach could not take the water I was drinking, let alone the smoke, bar smell, and the sweaty wang smell of the dude standing behind me. His jeans were too tight and the boys were sweating something fierce, unless that was just his body odor...yuck. Unfortunately for me, my senses were heightened due to the barf attack and the bar and I were just not able to play together.

I felt bad because I met my girls there and just sucked, but they understood and I got some mad props for playing and conquering "Edward 40(oz.) Hands". Barfing is to be expected during the game and I waited til I was done playing!

I learned a couple lessons from this experience:

1) Malt Liquor is best left on the shelf.
2) Drinking 2 King Cobras in 50 minutes is do-able...but I dont want to do it again.
3) Im a bitch drinker.
4) And finally, the next time I play (Oh yeah, Ill totally play that game again, it was money) I want either a budlight 40 or a...well just a budlight 40.
5) Oh and one more thing, I really need to eat before I play again, 2 chocolate chips cookies are not sufficient enough to play that game on.

Skip This...Really...Im Ridiculous.

2005-12-02T13:44:00.000-08:00

Since its Friday and my brain is still only half working from my insane ritual of getting obliterated on Thursday nights (til 4am) I decided that my disconnected thoughts need a home. Disconnected thoughts please meet Home (blog).

1) Ah, the age old question, "Why is the (work) week 5 days and the weekend only 2?" Thats bunk. (That's right I said bunk.) I dont get it. Couldn't we have found a happy medium and gone 4/3? I guess though that I would still be bitching if it was 4/3...its just not fair dammit. (The joke is on them though because technically my brain is only at work 4 days outta the week and I still get paid for 5...bitches.)

2) Why did I have to wear my scarf today? It sharted all over my black shirt leaving me looking like a serious cat lady.

3) Why do I insist on smoking a ton of cigarettes when Im drunk? Ok, this thought isnt really disconnected because I know the answer...BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.

4) Why do I insist on pre-tending to be a non-smoker? I smoke enough when I drink to count for the whole week. In my pathetically lame defense: I dont smoke during the day or sans drink. Apparently I just became one of "those people".

5) Is it weird that I love to pee? Nothing sexual, I just like the release...hmmmm...could be sexual...weird

6) Why do I care who reads my thoughts? I do...its sad. I just want to be heard. Yes, I have friends and family.

7) Yummm....I love condiment sandwiches. Some A1 on two pieces of white bread...maybe some open pit...those sandwiches are the shit.

8) Im incredibly shy in bed. Im so worried about pleasing the other person that I tense up and forget what the point of sex is. (Unless Im tanked)

9) I can eat a whole frozen pizza by myself. And still be hungry. (Nope Im not obese.) I didnt get to take a lunch today.

10) I obsess over the way I look so that I look as if I dont obsess.

11) I need to buy new underwear...I dont do laundry...hardly

12) I wish cell phones were never invented.

14) Im superstitious. (That word took me forever to spell)

15) Why am I more afraid to love than I am to die.

16) Why did I just have the frightening image of my friend and I drunk pyscho dancing in her car last night in the bar parking lot for 20 minutes before we went in? Nice.

17) When I drive and Im listening to a good song, I pretend Im "the girl" in the video or like the lead , gorgeous, sought-after, good girl character in a movie. I even play back things in my mind slow-mo as if someone could actually see my thoughts...well duh...I mean...people are watching me in the video or movie and the camera can always flash back to my thoughts...DUH.

18) I never liked ace ventura pet detective. I thought it was ridiculous and only pretended to enjoy that movie because everyone else did. And the second one...just shoot me now.

Ok I need to stop, I realize this could go on forever...I have to like do... something.

Because of Them

2005-11-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

Due to this being fresh in my mind, I decided to write about it. I read someone else's blog involving their experience and it brought back all the emotion of my own.

I remember them.

I was using the back stairwell by the social sciences wing. Lunch had just gotten out and I was on my after-lunch-high that most 7th graders got after eating half a yogurt, a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and 2 desserts. I hardly ever took the back stairwell, no one really took it, the "cool lockers" weren't located there but on this day I was running a little late. (Carly K. had stuck a popsicle stick, with quite a bit of precision and stealth I might add, in the back pocket of Mr. H's pants...I had to stick around to watch that.)

I remember opening the doors to the stairs and seeing the group of boys who were in my gym class, but couldnt speak english, standing in a circle. I was little taken aback by this because well...they were all staring at me and speaking in Spanish...but I continued to walk towards the steps. I had my books in my left arm and I was holding down my skirt in the back with my right hand so no one would look up it. As I proceeded to the steps, one of the boys stepped in front of me to block me from the steps.

I panicked. I was 12. Im a girl. This was scary to me, so I took my hand off the back of my skirt and pushed the boy blocking me in the chest. He grabbed both my arms, causing my books to fall, and shoved me towards his friends and into a corner. I didn't fall but I started to cry silently. Tears were just streaming down my face but I couldnt utter a sound. At this point, I was surrounded by these boys and absolutely terrified. All I could do was stand there and wait.

There were 8 or 9 of them.
I couldnt talk.
I couldnt move.
I couldnt think.
I couldnt breath.

Their hands went everywhere. All over everything. I had never had anyone touch me like that in my life. They were probing my mouth with their toungues and taking turns lifting up my shirt and skirt putting their hands where ever they wanted.

God dammit I was fucking 12.

I was still a little girl who had never even had the experience of her first real kiss let alone anything else. My dreams of that were shattered.

I dont remember why they stopped. Warning bell maybe...but they left me. Standing there, shaking, and crying, with one knee high sock around my ankle and the front of my skirt twisted around to the back, they left me. Their sticky breath lingering all over my lips and their hands imprinted in my flesh and brain.

I didnt go to my class. I went to the bathroom in the music hallway and cried like a baby. Sobbing. I couldnt quite comprehend what was done to me and why it was done to me. A teacher heard me crying in the washroom and took me to the school counselor. I was so ashamed and so scared of what my mom would say.

For months I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and crying due to this. I had never felt so weak in my life. I was mad at my brain for not working; for not allowing me to run, kick, punch, bite, scream....I was mad at myself. Why did I wear a skirt to school that day? Why did I wear lipstick? Why did I take the back stairs?

I had to face those boys every single day in school. They were still allowed to go to school there but had to be escorted by teachers at all times when outside of the classroom. When they saw me, they would just put their heads down. Day in and day out I dealt with this.

While all this was going on I found out this had happened to two of my best friends too (and another girl) and they came forward when I was forced to. The boys, through a translater, admitted what they did...to all of us.

What they did was ruin my spirit for a long, long time. That was when I became scared. Scared of other people, men especially, life...myself....everything. I dont think I have quite regained what I lost, although through time I would have had to change due to growing older. I wonder though if I would still be the same person I am today.

Im loud because Im scared of not being heard.
Im outgoing so someone will notice if Im not there.
I act tough because I want people to think I wont take their bullshit so they wont try to hurt me.

Im scared because of them.

But I am strong. Because of them.
I can laugh at myself. Because of them.
I can be proud. Because of them.

You F'in Know It

2005-11-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

I love my life.

I really, really do.

I may bitch and moan like a motherfucker (I am a Jew ya know) but I am in love with my life.

I woke up on Sunday and had NO idea where I was. I literally jumped out of the bed I was in and found my shirt, shoes, belt, jewelry and socks in a small, but neat pile on the floor. Then I hear, "Hey you." Before I even turn around I realize where I am and grin from ear to fucking ear. I think to myself "You really did it this time lady. Nice work. PS...you ROCK" Sure enough, I turn around and there D is, shirtless, lying in the same bed I was just in, right next to the spot I had just evacuated so hastily.

All I can do is smile at him, pull my top back on, and exit stage left to the washroom to see what kind of state I am and assess the situation. I am pleasantly surprised to see that I actually look kinda cute still. My eye make-up is in tact (it didnt prostitute itself all over my face) and my hair is still perfectly in place. Uh-oh...we didnt do it. DAMN! I grab some toothpaste, put a line on my finger and ghetto brush. Slam some mouthwash and sit down to pee.

I take that back...about the doing it thing.
I sat down and felt some serious pain...my whole body was aching. (HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!) Excrutiating pain. I finish my business. Slam some more mouthwash and walk back into his room. He has this, "yeah I just fucked the shit outta you, you dirty little slut" smile on his face.

"Ready for round 4?" Oh. My. God. Round 4? Holy shit, I dont even remember 1, 2, or 3 and he is wanting a round 4? No wonder my body was hurting so bad. So I get all girl on his ass and am like, "Ummmm....I have to go." Why did I do this? WHY DID I DO THIS? I really cant answer that. Im embarassed because its him and because I have been wanting him for soooo long (YEARS) and because I was wasted when we slept together and I dont remember a damn thing.

So I get my little pile of stuff together and proceed to leave his apt. I get downstairs, get a cab, and go to my car. I suddenly remember I had been out with a friend, S. What the hell happened to her??? I grab for my cell in my purse and have 8 missed calls from her and 4 missed calls from D. I call her back and she is hysterical. I mean she cant even get a word out. So I start freaking out: "Whats wrong...ohmygod are you ok? Where are you? What happened last night?" She cant even talk she is so hysterical. Then breathlessly she stammers out...You...Idiot.

This is when I realize she is laughing. "What do you mean Im an idiot? What the fuck?"

More laughter.

Beep...other line.

Its D.

"Hello?"

"Yeah ummm...S was passed out right on the couch and you just left her ass here. I think you should come back and pick her up." No way. I HAVE TO GO BACK??? So I get in my car and drive to D's place. I park my car in his garage, and go back in to grab S. When I get up to his place I smell french toast and I see S sitting there in her skank tank and a pair of his basketball shorts stuffing her black-tear stained face with food. D is no where to be found...he is in the shower. I can make a clean get-a-way. But no....S wants to eat. Fuck. I owe her for totally forgetting about her so I rigidly sit down on the edge of the couch anticipating his return.

Shortly he walks out with just a towel on, stops in the hallway, looks at me and motions for me to come into his room. Being the girl that I am, I want to know what he wants...so I follow his lead. I tell S "Ill be right back" and go to his room. He shuts the door behind me and grabs me by my waist. He kisses me. (Ok, I thought I already made it clear that I did not want to sleep with him again, not like this at least.) "I have been wanting to kiss you for years. You are so fucking cute and sweet."
WHAT? Didnt he kiss me last night?

"Didnt you kiss me last night?"
"Nope" And again he smiling from ear to ear.
"What??? Shut up."
"I didnt. In fact, I didnt do anything and neither did you."
Oh. My. God. What the fuck. "What were you talking about then...round 4?"
"You puked 3 times last night. You were smashed. You fell down the stairs at the bar and landed on your ass. They were going to kick out of the bar and that is when you called me to come pick you and S up. When we got back here I took your shoes, belt (it was over my shirt), socks, and jewelry off and put you into my bed. I asked if you wanted stuff to sleep in but you said no and passed out."
"Seriously? Why was my shirt off? What did I say to you?"
"You took your shirt off in the middle of the night because you 'couldnt stop sweating' you were hilarious when you jumped up and shouted it, you passed out right after too. You just kept saying thank you over and over and over again. You mumbled a lot too."
The rest is mushy stuff....

I LOVE MY LIFE.

Only I would automatically assume I fucked someone....because well...I would have. And only I would be dissapointed that it didnt actually happen. (Well Kinda...I would like to have remembered it.) I definitely won't rule it out happening in the future, but he is relationship material and Im not ready for that.

But I got a good make-out session (after he gave me a toothbrush) and even got some of my own french toast.

HOO RAH!

Kiss my ass Thanksgiving Eve.

2005-11-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Eve was a night I cannot wait to forget about.

1) My skank-ho cousins, twiddle dumb and twiddle mc ugly, from the town that held, "the turkey testicle festival" (that should sum their mannerisms and personalities up) decided to tag along with me and throw themselves at every single one of my guy friends from 8pm - 3 am. If this wasn't embarassing enough ("I want you to fuck my brains out tonight" was a popular statement made by each to at least three seperate friends that I know about) they each landed a friend and proceeded to do everything, but actually bang, in the middle of the bar where I knew about 82.5% of the people.

2) Then the fuglies had the nerve to ditch me, there goes my ride, to take these two, probably now former, friends of mine, back to "turkey testicle festival" town and have their way with them. Did I mention my cousins (who are sisters) also like to make-out with eachother for attention? Not hot, please re-visit "turkey testicle festival"...

3) Joey, aka fuckstick, was out on the prowl as he is every Holiday Eve. This guy is gorgeous. When he walks into a room girls literally stop what they are doing to stare at him. (Im not even exaggerating.) And then out comes, "Yo baby, I know you're diggin' on me" as he proceeds to make his way around the bar, making out with, and ultimately getting rejected by, various girls. (BTW that is the smartest sentence that ever comes out of his mouth...he is the dumbest guy, think Jessica Simpson, EVER!) By the time he makes his way back to his friends he is always covered in eye make-up, various shades of lipstick, gloss and concealer, and the always sexy...glitter. Unfortunately, I am one of those girls who Joey really likes to make-out with and when Im around I get all his undivided, stalker-esque, follows me to the washroom and waits, attention. (Some girls would love this, but I have known joey for 10 years and he hasn't gotten any smarter, funnier or...well...anything.) He is harmless because I know his ultimate secret (yep at 28 he still pisses the bed) and he knows that when he starts to cross a line that I will yell it out for all to hear. (Instead of calling me a bitch and denying this rumor, he runs out of the bar making this rumor a fact...dumb ass). So, I kissed him at the bar, no big deal (we have done this on several occasions) and he proceeds to pull me through the insane crowd, away from my friends and his, and take me to a set of back stairs, force me down the stairs and yank my pants down.

4) Slapped the shit outta Joey, grabbed my pants with one hand to hold them up and keep them shut and ran through the crowd, knocking drinks and people down, until I got to the girls bathroom and was able to put my pants back on and try to clean up my tear-stained face. (That would have only worked had I stopped crying)

5) I couldn't find my friends in my hysteria. (the bar had close 1000 people)

6) My brothers friends saw me crying and wanted to fight "whatever douche bag did that to you (me)" and proceeded to follow me around the bar asking me which guy it was over and over and over again. (causing me to cry more)

7) I couldn't find any of my friends, but Joey was able to keep finding me.

8) I left the bar alone and stood out in the freezing cold, jacketless, for about 25- 30 minutes. I finally got ahold of one of my friends in the bar who was too drunk to do anything other than fall all over me and play with my hair telling me he "loves me".

9) I cabbed it home alone, freezing and sobbing, broke as hell, with glitter from Joey all over me while my phone was ringing off the hook with booty-calls from various losers who I was just not in the mood to even think about, or talk to, let alone touch.

10) When I finally made it home, my brother's friend was passed out in my bed, with my favorite hoodie on forcing me to crawl into bed with some 18 year old kid who woke up spooning me. B O O H O O.

Black Wednesday kicked my ass.
Im staying home next year.

Ramblings

2005-11-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

I QUIT!

I give the fuck up.
He wins.
You win.
She wins.
Everyone's a winner.
But me, cuz Id rather be a quitter.
I tried not to.
He forced me to.
You forced me to.
She forced me to.
Everyone forced me to.
So I did.

Happy now?

In the great words of Paris Hilton...

2005-11-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

He is an amazing guy, but I dont want him.

Unfortunately this is causing some drama with close friends...and mommy.

This guy looks great on paper. His credentials are all there. Smart, dependable, honest, kind-hearted, good looking...but there is something missing. He has like no personality. He doesn't make me laugh, he doesn't talk dirty, he doesn't do the things that make me the most happy...which would be...having fun!!!

"You just need to tell him that."

Trust me I have.
***************************************************************************
"That is not how I was raised to speak to a lady."
"Well, Im not a fucking lady, so talk to me like you would your guy friends."
"I can't. It is not right."
"Ok, well you can at least swear around me. It makes me feel weird that you dont and that I do. I feel like a man."
"It is wrong to swear in front of woman."
BLEH.

***************************************************************************
B O R I N G.
He makes me feel bad about being myself even though he totally doesn't mean to. I feel guilty for having a truckers mouth and thinking dirty jokes are funny...and for talking dirty during sex. God forbid my girl friends and I grope eachother when we are drunk, he thinks that is tacky. Youre damn right it is, but Im drunk and having fun, and that is what you are supposed to do when your drunk...let loose and have fun.

I tried talking dirty to him once during sex. He said something totally lame which in turn, turned me off completely. I like to talk dirty, it makes things hotter and sexier. He likes to focus and just grunt every now and then.

I cant exactly tell my mom that. Although, I should just so she will shut the hell up about this guy.

"...youre being a bitch...youre scared...he could be the one...hes not like your ex...you still want to be with your ex...he would be so good to you...you would have beautiful kids...he could take care of you...you shouldnt be alone...he is wonderful, how do you know youre going to find that again...stop being so picky..."

ON and ON and ON...
I get it. Thank you everyone for your two cents!

So I tried cutting ties with him last night, but he wasnt having any of that. He even said damn, hell...and shit. I feel like I am forcing myself into this with him which is causing me to be resentful towards him. I wish people would just mind their own business sometimes. Im not hurting for guys and I dont need to be married.

Why is it that when girls are alone, they are viewed as being lonely and desperate?

Stalker.

2005-11-21T07:31:00.000-08:00

My ride home from work on Friday set the tone for my entire weekend. I probably should have called the cops and reported this guy, but I was too hysterical too even think about that.

The drive home:
Im driving home at about 5:40 pm.
Im trying to get over to my exit but this asshole wont let me in. In fact, he is doing the oh-so-classy wanna munch your box gesture and then actually lifts his hips and starts humping the air/stearing wheel. Yummy. Ok so being a girl I am used to this. Usually from young guys trying to be funny, but this guy was like late 30's early 40's and just weird. Ok, so he absolutely will not let me over. I start to get upset at this point (crying a little). Then, right when traffic picks up, he cuts in front of me and I have to slam on my brakes causing the car behind me to slam on its brakes and causing the car behind that one to hit it. So I bright the guy. I know, not smart on my part, but I felt like an asshole when it was his fault for this mess.

I manage to get in the far left lane before traffic completely stops. He finds me and gets right behind me. He leaves his brights on for 5 minutes. I am not kidding. He is also tapping my car. Now, I am an avid Lifetime for women watcher, I know better than to get out of my car. I could car less at this point if he is doing damage or not. Im wondering how no one is noticing this either??? Lucky for me my windows are tinted and his brights werent affecting my eyes. Unfortunately this is causing me stress and making me cry hysterically. I have to get off at an unfamiliar exit and sure enough, he gets off at the same exit as me, not leaving my ass for anything in the world.

I have no sense of direction whatsoever. So for me to get off at an exit I have never taken before (in the middle of rush hour on Friday) is bad, bad news. Not to mention, I have this stalker behind me. Im freaking out at this point. Im trying to call someone but no one is answering their phones.

At this exact point, this guy juts out from behind me, gets into the lane next to me and proceeds to almost side swipe my car. As he continues to do this he is laughing and still humping the steering wheel. I am crying to the point that I have to pull over because I am hyperventilating. I do this quickly and there is no way for him to get over so he has no choice but to keep going. THANK GOD.

So, after I have calmed myself down, and actually thrown up, I try to figure out where the fuck I am. I am in a town that is at least 25 minutes from where I live. I drive around for a bit looking for a road that is familiar and finally find one. I get home from work at 7:32.

I was so sick/drained from that whole situation that all I did was sleep all weekend. I guess that was good because I definitely needed it.

(Now I need something else and I know this week & weekend I will not be getting any of that and that just SUCKS! BOOOOOO.)

What a fucking disaster.

2005-11-18T13:54:00.000-08:00

Why?

I haven't thought about him in weeks. No wondering what he was doing. No caring who he was with...nothing. Im not so sure I really cared about all that because I liked him or more so for my bruised ego. I saw him out with another girl(s)

K and I were talking. That was it.
He tended to pour it on a little thick. That was all part of his "game"

I knew K across the bar before he even came over to (re)introduce himself. We had met a few years prior on several different drunken occassions, we had mutual friends. I knew all about him and yet I believe that people can change (it had been like 3 years since I had last heard an utterly disgusting K story) so I gave him my number (with bated breath).

Fast Forward 1 week.
K calls. We go out. He gets so drunk that I have to help him out of the bar. I take him home. He attacks my face, throat and teeth with his tongue. I wipe the spit off my forehead. He goes inside. Date Over.

After about an hour of apology the next morning I decide that this guy isnt so bad, although his kissing skills may determine otherwise, and agree to meet him at a bar the next weekend.

Cut to the next weekend.
We hang out. We have fun. No big deal.

Cut to the next few weeks.
Lots of talking. Getting-to-know-you crap. "K is different, he has changed."

A random Friday evening.
2 calls to the cell (0ver 4 hours) to see what he was doing because I was going to a bar right by his house (not because it was by his house but because a great band was going to be there). No call back. No big deal. I didnt stress...no really, I didnt. I would be lying though if I said that I didnt have a little crush on him at this juncture.

Friday night.
Loving the band so much that my girl friend and I are sweating profusely from jamming out, we decide to go upstairs to the outside deck to dry off. (Still summer!) Walking back in from drying off...there he was. I smiled at him and realized that he quickly took his hand out of another girl's. Not pissed...yet. K literally puts his hand in front of his face to shield it and guides his girl out of my line of site and I am assuming out of the bar. Pissed. Did he really think that by putting his hand in front of his face like that that he made himself invisible and time warped back by 30 seconds? Nope, didnt see ya K...bitch.

The Friday after the last one.
He called. I didnt answer. I wasn't in the mood.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday x2.
He called. I didnt answer. I wasn't in the mood.
No voicemails, no texts, no emails. Just blank calls.

Finally a text asking him if I could meet him at the movie theater by his house.
Sure, I was in the mood to deal with the situation (or lack thereof). I walked in, he hugged me, asked how I was doing and guided me into a movie. We watched the movie in silence. We hugged goodbye. "Call ya later S." Bye.

The End.

I felt the need to make no effort towards him. I was waiting for him to bring the situation up, but he didnt. I didnt expect any different. I wasnt looking for an apology, just an acknowledgment. Nothing.

I let it go. I would check his myspace account (BOO me here immediately...louder...cuz I SUCK!) But it helped me to realize what a chode this guy was and well...I felt better...almost good about the brush off.

Until today. I had forgotten about him. (Except for the drunken convo with Frankie at Spoon 2 weeks ago when she told me she was banging him and that she had been for months. I pretended like I didnt remember who he was.) He calls me from a different number than his cell and asks me out tonight.

Why?

Spidey Senses...some people have em...this guy does. He doesnt want me to forget about him, but Im not sure why. Ego? Maybe.

Is he going to continue to do this? Come and go as he pleases? Not cool. My pride hurts around him. He doesnt make me feel very good. K=yuck. I hope he doesnt drunk dial me. Oh wait, he has Frankie for that.

Thanks for making me feel like ca-ca, Asshole.
Happy Friday to you too.

Waaay too much free time....

2005-11-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

"Wesley, you've been a naughtly little bugger. Why dont you come over here and sit on Mr. Belvidere's lap for a spanking you nasty little devil, you."

G R O S S

2005-11-18T07:48:00.000-08:00

It is 9:49 am; I am wasted. Still.

Oh and Im really sorry for the people that have to smell me today (not dirty vag like my homies in my office, just cigs and booze).
Tough.
I smell your stank everyday and it is more unpleasant than any smell my body could ever produce. (Even if I sharted my pants, had a yeasty, ran a marathon and decided not to shower for 2 weeks...all that goodness collectively would not smell as repulsive as you.)
Im a sick fuck.
Im going to vomit.

Im pretty sure that is all I can type right now.

Girl On Girl II

2005-11-17T11:28:00.000-08:00

So my first girl on girl date...CANCELLED. Yep, thats right...CANCELLED.

"The weather is bad, I don't feel like driving in it. Maybe some other time."
Maybe some other time? Oh. My. God. I got the nice let-down. The nice let-down? From a lady. Holy shit. I have hit an all time low.

I think C used me, with no touch (OUCH!). She threw my name out to her lesbifriends (I know of at least two other ladies that want a piece of this) to let them know she scored the "big one" and then tossed me aside when the popular one, T, (known for her intense cat-eating skills) asked her out instead. I just know that is what happened. Sonofabitch.

Now, I have no problems with homosexuals, I dont care how they live their life as long as they are nice to me and good friends. But people, I was tricked into a date, (read my first post...Im straight) and then thrown to the side. I was a pawn in C's twisted game, used to make her ladies jealous (in all fairness I am super cool and pretty hot when I want to be...grrrrr).

But, I can'r really blame her for the ditch, T is known for her super-sweet-spot-skills.

And I woulda done a little kissing, but that is all. (And that woulda been a HUGE tease to her because I am an incredibly good kisser.)

Come to think about it, I woulda ditched her too for a wang. And not even a wang that posesses the kind of super skills that T has...any old wang would have sufficed. (That is if she even ditched me for T.)

She better ask me out again. Not because I want to go out with her, just so I feel...better.

Girl on Girl Action!!!!

2005-11-16T13:01:00.000-08:00

So I'm going on a date tonight...

with a girl?!?!?!?!

This acquaintance of mine asks me out for a couple of drinks tonight. Im feeling kinda weird today so a couple of drinks sounds like a really good idea and I accept her invitation. She gets really excited and says, "Really?" Im thinking awwww...this girl thinks I'm too cool to hang out with her, how sweet. So Im all, "Really."

"Tonight is going to be great, I cannot wait to tell my friends that I am finally going out with you. I have been telling them for months about my secret crush on you and..."

Everything after that statement sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown...wa wa waaaaaa waa waaaaaa wawa. Backthefuckup...secret crush? Oh shit, what did I get myself into? To answer my own question, my first girl date apparently.

Did I mention I like wiener?

Oye Vey.

:sigh:

2005-11-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

I feel really unsettled this morning. I know it has to do with the conversation we had last night. I was expecting the worst and quite the opposite happened; I remembered why I liked you in the first place, damn you. And so begins the cycle of missing you all over again.

Even though it has been months since we last talked you still manage to make me just want to tell you anything and everything there is to know about me and my life. (That is just unheard of in my world!!!)

Im not sure if we will actually talk again, but Im glad I found an outlet to you...

a great surprise

2005-11-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

It was really nice to hear your voice.

I forgot how much I like talking to you.

Life doesnt get any better...

2005-11-15T13:48:00.000-08:00

:Sigh:

How can you not love a man in a metallic bodysuit complete with a serious case of shiny pecker? Oh Gutte, how you make my day a little brighter (and yes I am referring to the reflection off your balls)!

I just want to take a moment out of my day to say thank you to the great Steve Guttenberg for a phenomenal career in film as well as his ability to make the people of the world smile.

Blame.

2005-11-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

My brother called us last night to let us know that one of Joey's brothers called him. (We didnt even know he still talked to the family.) Apparentely Joey had been really depressed lately...although they were still shocked, as well they should be. (How does one get to that decision?)

It is one thing to lose a person you love due to an accident or natural causes, but I feel like it woud be a totally different, more difficult, situation to lose a person you loved...who took their own life. I am not sure I would be able to deal. You know that someone is always going to take the blame for the cause of death whether they have anything to do with it or not.

When my dad died I believed it was my fault. I don't believe that anymore, but it wasnt until about 2 years ago that I stopped walking around with that guilt on my back. I was 10 years-old, I couldn't have saved him even I wanted to. I have re-played that day in my head over and over and over again and even if I was 30 years old, I couldnt have saved him. I used to think that if I loved him more that he would have lived longer or not wanted to leave. But...that was confused little girl thinking. The guilt was unbearable for a long time.

Guilt is a slow-leaving process. You have to really believe in yourself for it go away. There was nothing I could have done to save my dad, he died of a heart attack plain and simple. I wasn't causing him grief or making his life difficult, I made him happy and I think I helped prolong his life by making him so happy. I was a daddy's girl!!! I thought 38 years old was young to die, but lately 38 seems old.

Brother, if you talk to Mike again, find out when the wake is, I would like to go.

Thank you.

2005-11-14T16:29:00.000-08:00

It is almost two months since HE has passed. I cannot believe how fast life is just passing me by (and I am allowing it to which just makes it worse). I could have never imagined the impact that man had on me, but not one single day has gone by since he died that I have not thought about him.

I went to the football game on Sunday and gave a silent prayer for him. Part of me felt like I was honoring his memory by going to the last place he went before his death. Part of me just felt guilty that I was able to be there. I talked to him and my dad there. (My dad was a die-hard Bears fan and this was my first game!) I even talked outloud a couple of times to them both because well...because I wanted to. I wanted them to know I was there and that I was thinking about them and wishing they could be there with me. (Right now I just realized that I saw a lot of my dad in JP and that is why I found such comfort in him.)

I know I didnt talk to HIM that often anymore but I have so many fucking wonderful memories of him that unlike the memories of my dad, I do not want to forget. I was lucky enough to see HIM the weekend before he died and I keep his mass card in my car hoping he will protect me, that and I like to smile at him. I know he is laughing at all of us down here, but Im hoping that he met my dad and that I now have two people up there looking out for me.

The reason I am bringing all this up is because my mom called me at work today to let me know that a little boy I once knew shot himself in the head today. He wasn't a little boy anymore, he was actually 24, but I only remember him as a little boy. I think the last time I saw Joey I was in seventh grade. He is the third guy from my junior high to pass away since May. What is going on here? These are young men who haven't even lived a quarter of their would be 100 years. I cant help but feel sick to my stomach because I know that every year for the rest of my life someone I have known will go; someone the same age as me.

I sat all morning long thinking about myself and throwing myself a pity party when a family who I grew up with was dealing with the loss of their son and brother. You would have thought that the tragic and miserable death of HIM would have taught me something, and it did for about a month or so. I live everyday in the hopes that the next day will be better when I should be living each day as though it could be my last.

Time spent worrying, crying, being mad, being sad is strictly wasted time. I want to live like HIM, a man who loved life, who never stopped smiling or laughing. I dont want to live a life of misery and self-deprivation...for no reason pretty much.

The past is the past and I cant change that. What has happened to me has sucked there is no denying that, but I cannot continue on like this or I will look back and have some serious regret, or worse yet, end up like Joey who couldn't find any of the good in life so instead decided to end it.

Thank you for the reality check gentlemen.

I love you Daddy!
I miss you Friend!
My prayers go out to Joey's family and friends.

To my wonderful friend...

2005-11-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

So my first post ever has only been up an hour and already I got a call about it.

"You are pretty slutty (insert my name here) I can't believe that you wrote all that shit. Is it really true?"
"What's it to you how I choose to live my life?"
"I think you should respect yourself more than just humping everything in sight."
"First off, Im not humping everything in sight, although I wish I was. Secondly, lets be honest here, I think the only reason you are upset is because Im not humping you."
Long pause..."I guess I am. Why is that?"
"Because fuckface, you are my friend and that is more important to me than a night of sex with a stranger."
"I can pretend to be a stranger...and just fuck you with my fingers under the table or in a corner. How you described in your blog...you don't even have to suck my dick in a stall. Fuck (insert my name here), Im here for you in your time of need, that's what friends are for...right?"

LAME!!!!!!!!

Absolutely no such thing as the opposite sexes just being friends. If nothing else, you both mind fuck the hell outta eachother, which is ok because there is no physical penetration involved. However, 8 outta 10 times physicality takes over and penetration occurs forcing awkward drunk sex and even more awkward conversation.

So to you, my dear friend, you can mind fuck me all you want, but no finger, tongue or cock of yours is penetrating any orifice of my body. I love you too much for that. And, lets be honest...the sex wouldn't be that great because we would both laugh the whole way through it. Ask your sister. ;)

Random

2005-11-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

I'm horny right now.

I've been horny all weekend.

I just want to get fucked. Not to say that I havent been lately, but I want to get fucked by someone who:
A) I have not already dated
B) Has no feelings for me
C) Does not want to cuddle
D) Does not ask for my number

The fuck buddies are fun and all but they are starting to grow attached. Im starting to confuse them and it is getting stressful not to mention boring. Love making is a term that has been used by one the guys...no thank you. I like to fuck.

I do not really think that this is too much ask.

The problem is, I always go out with friends, who find me morally correct and therefore are the biggest cockblockers ever. (Its my own fault for presenting myself in such a manner. I dont want anyone to know about my desires to fuck randoms in random places.) They think they are helping me when in reality they are forcing me to stand-in-line for the neverending girls bathroom to go fuck myself in a stall. Its a good thing Im always soaking wet and that it doesn't take a whole lot to get me off.

I went to a bar last week by myself and found myself a very suitable alright fine, absolutely fuckable male. (This was the first time I had gone out alone just to get laid.) The sex was incredible. His body was amazing and he knew every spot to hit. Not only was the sex incredible, but he ate my pussy like it was the last time he would ever eat again. I came twice...once, all over his mouth and chin. Any guy that can get me off like that deserves to do whatever he wants to me. And, he did.

When everything was said and done though he asked for my number and my name. That anonimity (sp) is what makes me hot. I gave him a fake name and number and now I can never go back to that bar again.

Whatever happened to the guys that just dont give a fuck?

I used to know tons of them. I fucked a bunch of them too. Sure, we would see eachother out from time to time, but we knew better than to talk to eachother. There were lots of boners thrust into my ass while waiting for a drink, the occasional mens bathroom blow job, but there were no words, and no contact other than harmless groping and the occasional dance floor finger bang. There was that unspoken law between us that the first time would never be topped and that we shouldn't even try.

This is all my own fault though. I have misguided myself into wanting to believe in morality and values because that is what I am supposed to believe in. In the past 2 years I have missed out on more than any girl should. UGH!

Im hornier now than when I began. Time to close the door and call a friend.